Reasons to Get Banned

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Uncyclopedia Admin™ action figures are now available in a toy store near you — complete with free Banhammer!

Unlike most of the articles here, this is a completely serious essay — written to provide you with several valid and perfectly legitimate reasons why you would, or even should, want to have your user account banned from Uncyclopedia forever. Should you decide that this course of action is desirable, and we think you'll agree that it is, please read the instructions, and be sure to check out our helpful tips on how to leave gracefully. Once you've made your decision, the kind, helpful administrators will be more than happy to see you on your way.

Practical Reasons[edit]

Many people who register on Uncyclopedia do so with their real name, or with a nickname that's well-known to their friends, family, or business associates. Later, they realize that these same people might accidentally stumble across the page history for Rough Gay Wolf Sex, containing their "just for yuks" edit regarding llamas, lemurs, and raccoons. Or, perhaps their attempt to add some "extra wit" to I maed a yuky doody by adding a photograph of George W. Bush on a toilet. It wouldn't be a good thing if they then clicked on your user-page link and discovered that you were still an active contributor, would it? That "This user has been banned from Uncyclopedia" template is looking pretty good right about now!

Another possibility is that you've become astranged to Uncyclopedia, and you're desperately looking for a way out. Why not make a complete pariah of yourself by posting nasty comments on pages that offend you in some way? Then, keep harassing the afflicted affected users until they complain to the administrators in Uncyclopedia's IRC chatroom. Nothing displeases wiki administrators more than that, with the possible exception of having their real identities exposed on "white supremacy" websites. Anyway, the advantage of this method is that you're probably not clever enough to disguise yourself as a sufficiently different personality later on, in order to avoid accusations of "sock puppetry" that will just get you into more trouble. In effect, you've burned your bridges behind you, and now you can finally get on with your life! Why not say hello to your kids, for example? How long has it been, three months? After all, it's not like they aren't in the next room.

Q: If you get banned, can you still read the site? Cheers.
A: Nobody can read the site, at least under the current MediaWiki version.
   However, you can still view pages, even while banned. (Obviously,
   MediaWiki needs a bit more work.)

Philosophical Reasons[edit]

Over time, there are all sorts of philosophical differences you might develop as an Uncyclopedia contributor. For example, you might believe in democracy, diplomacy, fairness, and being helpful to others — rather than doing randomly offensive things to people in silly, idiotic ways for no apparent logical reason. But let's face it: You'll never change these ingrained cultural realities on your own, and nobody will ever care enough to help you. In fact, most people will go out of their way to make you feel like a teeny-tiny little dog turd for even suggesting such things. So... why are you still reading this? You've got work to do!

There's another possibility, though. Most people who frequent Uncyclopedia understand that quality is a subjective concept, especially when it involves humor. That is to say, one man's hilarious guffaw-inducing sendup is another's unbelievably stupid piece of utter shite. As a result, from your perspective, Uncyclopedia is full of utter shite. But don't attempt to point that out either, since you'll find that after you do, your own work will generally be treated as utter shite too. (And probably with good reason!) In short, if meritocracy figures into your personal value system in any way whatsoever, the "banned" tag will help to better differentiate you from those who would simply "go along" with the promulgation of shite. Right? Right.

Psychological Reasons[edit]

"My advice to you, my friend, is diversify."

The most common reason for wanting to get banned from Uncyclopedia is that you've figured out that you just can't cut it. Every article you write gets deleted almost immediately. Nobody notices anything you're doing (other than to delete it), everyone ignores your Forum postings, and you can't get so much as one helpful suggestion from anyone. Naturally, this can lead to a certain amount of psychological distress, especially if you're the sort of person who suffers from a fragile ego facade — which would include roughly 97 percent of all Americans born after the year 1985, and quite a few born before then, too.

The smart move is to cut and run. Don't subject yourself to any more stress than you have to. But at the same time, don't let the memory of your dismal failure eat away at your ego over the long term, either! All you have to do is raise a huge fuss, vandalize a bunch of pages (or some other highly original act of defiance), and have the admins give you a perfect excuse for not coming around anymore. It couldn't have been that you're a sub-par humor writer, after all — they only explanation is that they just didn't get it. Your sense of humor was simply too sophisticated, subtle, eclectic, clever, and/or erudite for their puny minds to cope with. It was just way beyond them. And of course, that's their fault, not yours! Now, you can tell your friends that "those bozos" simply got so frustrated trying to understand the nature of your highly-developed wit and writing ability, they simply gave up and (naturally) banned you.

Just For the Hell of It Reasons[edit]

There are a lot of websites on the internet. And by "a lot," we mean several million. They're everywhere, and new ones are being added all the time. So, what's so special about Uncyclopedia? Absolutely nothing, right? Right!

In fact, many people can't even find Uncyclopedia. That's because it's run by Wikia, and nobody knows or understands the difference between "Wikia" and Wikipedia, and they're not exactly going out of their way to figure it all out, either. It's much more interesting and satisfying to spread lies and nonsense on Wikipedia itself, since it's one of the Top 20 Websites in the world — indeed, that's why so many people do it! Meanwhile, Google has already proven how easily a site like Uncyclopedia can be turned into an internet backwater by simply putting it in their "sandbox" for a while. Google probably still doesn't like Uncyclopedia very much, and by extension, Google doesn't much like you, either. And that's not good, because pretty soon, Google will control the world, and they're definitely keeping a list.

Because That's Exactly What They Want[edit]


A while ago, an Uncyclopedia administrator actually had the temerity to suggest that too many users were being banned, and even suggested that there should be fewer bans. This had never happened on Uncyclopedia, but somehow the administrator was allowed to maintain his "sysop" status in spite of what he'd written. Still, the other administrators interpreted this crazed outburst as a signal that they should put a more "formal" ban policy in place - which, predictably, led to the immediate creation of a list of everything that any administrator might consider "bannable," and how long the ban should be for those "offenses," and so on. Admittedly, some of the offenses were for the usual wiki-related misbehaviors, such as spamming and page-blanking. But not all of them.

The fact is, Uncyclopedia administrators want to ban you. That's right! They enjoy banning people - it gives them more pleasure than you can possibly imagine. Why else would they be here? So why not be nice to them, and let them have what they want? They're good, highly-deserving people, after all - and banning people is hard work. You have to click a mouse at least three or four times, and also enter a number (unless you just use the default, which is supposed to be 24 hours).

Still More Reasons, in List Form[edit]

  • You might have registered on Uncyclopedia simply because you were lonely, and thought you wanted some attention. Now that you've gotten that attention, you're beginning to realize that "attention" isn't all it's cracked up to be, especially when you consider where it's coming from.
  • If you told your parents you were an Uncyclopedia contributor, your parents might disown you when they read some of the material posted here about parents, not to mention God, Jesus, George W. Bush, and everyone else.
  • Assuming you're a male homosexual, your "significant other" might find it puzzling that you spend more time making up Oscar Wilde quotes than you do making out with him.
  • If you're a devout Christian, your pastor, priest, or minister might find it puzzling that you would even consider participating in a site where people are making up God quotes.
  • If you're an atheist, you yourself may realize that making up God quotes is a complete waste of time.
  • If your time is valuable, you may suddenly realize that there are more important and lucrative things to do than write material for distribution under a free public license, when you could just as easily get paid for it — assuming you actually had the guts and talent to try and get it published. This is unlikely, however. In fact, it's much more likely that you'll just click the "Edit" link up above and replace this entire article with the word "pwned." And with any luck, this action alone will get you banned!

See Also[edit]