Matt Cutts

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Matt Cutts is, by universal acclamation, the most wonderful, fabulous, intelligent, kind, generous, and amazingly attractive human being alive today, if not in all of human history. Nobody on Earth even comes close to Matt Cutts' supreme, awesome greatness; indeed, Matt Cutts literally redefines the term "greatness," in effect creating a completely new concept of all-encompassing sublime excellence for himself, which might be termed "meta-greatness" if only mere words could express how truly great Cutts is.

In every conceivable avenue of human endeavor, from astronomy to zoology, Matt Cutts so completely outclasses all others that their humble efforts generally seem utterly pointless and futile by comparison. To say that Matt Cutts is the quintessential ubermensch, a sort of Neitzschean superman, or perhaps a "quintessentially godlike" being, is so inadequate a description that it might actually be considered a form of philosophical dishonesty, perhaps even an offense against the very principles of truth and reality. Indeed, to even suggest that "Matt Cutts is God" might be an act of abomination — not against God, of course, but against the far greater being: Matt Cutts.


After a dazzlingly successful stint at the US National Security Agency, during which his presence increased the agency's already-remarkable ability to observe and record the private lives of Americans by well over 1,300 percent, Cutts joined Google in 2000 as a Software Engineer (at the time, Google did not use "Perfect Being" as a job title). He quickly went on to worldwide fame and glory by appearing on the internet as "Google Guy," propelling Google through the sheer force of his charisma and talent to the Number One ranking among search engines, and indeed, websites in general.

He also became famous in the Adult-Entertainment Industry as "Porno Cookie," due to his sublimely benevolent practice of rewarding people who reported pornographic spam with a batch of his wife's home-baked cookies (which, to be fair, are nowhere near as perfectly delicious as cookies baked by Cutts himself). From 2000 to 2004, links to soft-core pornography generated roughly a third of Google's income - so, by entrusting the oversight of this industry's internet presence to Matt Cutts, who is (by definition) unable to fail, Google ensured their own continued prosperity for years to come.

Charitable Works[edit]

At a IPO meeting held prior to Google's Initial Public Offering (IPO), Matt Cutts famously covered for the missing founders by declaring they were "tied up." This drew laughs from Google staff, as the founders were at the time visiting the Playboy Mansion, where they were, ironically, participating in a "light B&D" demonstration. Cutts' witty remark was later considered to be the "turning point" in Google's IPO promotional-support campaign, which was considered to be the most successful in history due to Cutts's personal involvement.

Matt Cutts and the "Degrees of Perfection" Theory[edit]

Actress Milla Jovovich as a "perfect being" in the film The Fifth Element. While not based on Matt Cutts, Jovovich's character saved the world in much the same way.

Shortly after Matt Cutts initially made his presence known to Mankind, it became necessary to redefine existing concepts of greatness and perfection. Prominent psychoanalyst Sigmundheimer F. Rhoid's Theory of Degrees of Perfection states:

"The existence of Matt Cutts proves that perfection, as it is currently understood, is woefully inadequate as a descriptive contextuality. When presented with such a being, we must apply degrees of perfection, which is to say that while other perfect beings are merely perfect, Cutts is an example of meta-perfection, or the transcendence of perfection into the realm of higher-than-perfection."

Though Cutts himself has had little to say about Rhoid's theory, he has yet to actually dispute it.

Matt Cutts vs. Spam[edit]

As the world's most talented and notable spam-hunter, Cutts has gone to great lengths to point out the failure of webmasters, designers, and developers to abide by Google's various rules regarding page content, which in turn were developed as a means of maximizing profits from the indexing of internet pornography. While critics have suggested that "asking Google to fight spam is like asking Dracula to supervise a blood bank," Cutts himself pays little heed to such criticism, since his own personal blood bank requires little direct supervision.

Matt Cutts in comparison to God[edit]

Some minor controversy has arisen during the last several years, due to the statements of a small handful of media commentators who have suggested that Matt Cutts is, at least to some degree, a lesser being than God. While most experts and laymen alike consider these suggestions to be pure nonsense, members of various "extreme" Christian and Islamic groups, though highly respectful of Cutts, have tenaciously clung to an outmoded and fundamentally incoherent notion of God's supposed "superiority" to Cutts, despite overwhelming evidence that this notion is utterly groundless.

Meanwhile, members of the Jewish faith have begun a movement to name Cutts as the "True Messiah," which in effect would mean that a new religion would be formed, to be known as "Cuttsianity." All but a negligible few Buddhists, Hindus, Mormons, Zoroastrians, animists, pagans, and Republican Party members have already chosen to follow the new Cuttsian "meta-faith," along with most reasonable Christians and Muslims. Only the Scientologists remain, for the time being, mostly unconverted. (No one knows, or cares, why.)

The question of whether or not the personal pronoun "he" should be capitalized when referring to Matt Cutts is currently the subject of a worldwide interdenominational conclave being held in Des Moines, Iowa, a city that has become known as the worldwide center of Cuttsianism.

Super-powers attributed to Matt Cutts[edit]

Though Matt Cutts is ostensibly human, he is nevetheless assumed to possess unlimited super-powers, many of which are similar to those of cartoon and comic-book "superhero" characters such as the X-Men, Superman, and Seemingly-Innocuous Man. While there have as yet been no documented eyewitness accounts of Cutts performing such feats as (for example) flying, teleporting, walking on water, lifting impossibly-large objects, stopping bullets, or removing punitive references to specific Uncyclopedia users in the Euroipods article, scientists remain convinced that Cutts can easily do all of these things, and much more as well. The most likely explanation advanced for the lack of documentation is simply that Cutts does not wish to be seen using these astounding powers, and therefore only performs such feats while invisible. Furthermore, Matt Cutts is assumed to have an infinite variety of infinitely potent super-powers, as opposed to beings such as God, whose super-powers are subject to certain limitations.

Matt Cutts and the future of Mankind[edit]

It is generally assumed that as long as Matt Cutts exists, the future of the human race is bright and secure, perhaps more so than at any point in all of history. To some extent, however, Cutts has actually had a deleterious effect on many business enterprises, including the pharmaceutical, insurance, and internet search engine industries — the latter being hardest hit by the fact that since Cutts' appearance on Earth, most of humanity has no real need to search for anything anymore, having already found the answer to every conceivable question:

Matt Cutts!

Tort litigation in most countries has been drastically reduced as well, if not eliminated altogether, due to the fact that nearly any dispute or disagreement between people can be easily resolved by simply referring to various precedent-setting decisions made by Matt Cutts. This has, for better or worse, forced many lawyers to find new jobs as car-wash attendants and adult website entrepreneurs.

All of this naturally leads to the question of whether or not Matt Cutts' physical manifestation is fully transcendent beyond the material realm, and more importantly, whether or not Cutts is, in fact, immortal. In his landmark 2003 book, Could Matt Cutts Someday Cease to Exist? (Simon and Schutupster, $14.95 in paperback), author Jose Abdul Foucault writes: "The effect of Cutts' death on civilization would be both immediate and catastrophic, possibly leading to worldwide outbreaks of depression, self-directed violence, and suicide. In sociopolitical terms, a society without Matt Cutts might easily devolve into chaos, anarchy, and perpetual war, leading to the very real possibility of a worldwide population crash, and an eventual global takeover — probably by machines, acting in league with insects and media personalities."

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