Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/January 21

Coffee Enema

January 21: National Dirty Sanchez Your Dad's Coffee Day, Day of Tribulation

• 1000 BCE - Vikings land on an inhospitable island they call "Niv Iaerssei"; this event later forms the backbone of The Saga of Rigaatoni Pennesson.
• 1592 - Elmunsucío Sánchez Columbus discovers Atlantis, but loses the map. Thus it is lost for all eternity.
• 1654 - John Morrisey drinks too much coffee and gets a vision of a gigantic coffee empire, with himself riding on a male star deer.
• 1781 - Benedict Arnold, tired of being called "Eggs Benedict" by George Washington, sells out to the British. He later begins a travelling show, called Hey Arnold!
• 1850 - Millard Fillmore installs the White House's first bathtub. His staff does not criticize the action or location but just arrange to have shower curtains installed around the South Portico.
• 1915 - The first Kiwanis Club meeting. To this day they still can't figure out what their purpose is, but constantly argue over who has the better wife.
• 1933 - Gangsters use machine guns to fire thousands of slugs at police but quickly replace them with snails.
• 1991 - First ever Yo-Mama Joke is told. Violent bitch-slaps shortly follow.
• 1996 - Former Pink Floyd frontman Syd Barrett climbs the Empire State Building; some blonde chick knocks him off.
• 2000 - Aaron Copland conquers the Martians; historians vote this to be the "Best day... ever".
• 2008 - Tom Hanks falls off a bridge; there is much rejoicing.
• 2013 - Bob Barker dies from a Viagra overdose.
• 2036 - Tracy Morgan wins the gold medal in Olympic Stand-Up. Adam Sandler comes in third.