Glenn Beck

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Progressivism is such a bad thing, it makes me cry! Wha ha ha!
This is a rush transcript from “Glenn Beck”.

GLENN BECK, HOST: Hello, America: Thank you for spending an hour of your time watching my television show rather than doing something productive...

It is an honor to be here tonight. It is an honor to be in the greatest country god created, working for the most credible news station on the face of the earth, talking to the greatest people on earth - you, the American people. Despite this overwhelming honor, there is a great threat to this honor – progressivism. Progressivism is the cancer of America. It has been slowly but steadily rotting America as we knew it – in 1800. If left untreated, progressivism will be the downfall of America.

Before I continue rewriting history, let me warn you doing so will be "controversial". The Progressives and perhaps some of the Americans they succeed in brainwashing will say: oh Glenn Beck; Glenn's just being himself. Before we get into name calling as the progressive Nazis have, give me a chance to state the other side of the story. I am an expert at doing so, which is why I am credited for writing Arguing for Idiots. Take a look at the chalkboard to get an overview of how I am so good at doing so.

Can the Harvard educated progressives say any of this?

Back in the good ol' days, America was perfect. When I refer to the good ol’ days, I’m not referring to the days when I was a child, or when my grandma who deserves free Medicare was a child, I’m referring to the days when the Founding Fathers were still prominent. Now, only John McCain remains and is ineffective due to his minority status. America was perfect because the founding fathers, not progressives dominated politics. The founding fathers were the only perfect people apart from Jesus and George W. Bush. They crafted the following:

  1. The Pledge of Allegiance, as Sarah Palin pointed out. And if she said it, that must mean it's true.
  2. The Constitution, which is the only perfect piece of paper apart from tissues, the Bible, or better yet, tissues with bible passages and/or lines from the Constitution.

The founding fathers' grand vision of a free market.

The Constitution was specifically the work of federalists who were very different from progressives. The Federalists were small government people while the progressives support big government. As such, the constitution granted liberties to people like me – white male land owners. We needed a tax break. Making us pay for services that we use and/or benefit us is inherently evil. Oh, and the Constitution mandates a free market. I’m sure many of you, myself included, ask what did the founding fathers have in mind when inventing the free market. Take a look at the chalkboard to see what the founding fathers had in mind when crafting the free market.

Abolishing sweatshops as we knew them was a violation of free market principles. Now we just have McDonald’s, Burger King, Wal-Mart, Dollar Tree, Target, Kohl’s, Old Navy, Gap, Sears, JC-Penney, Home Depot, Staples, Taco Bell and almost everything else you’d see in suburban America. When sweatshops as we knew them existed, they created prosperity. And working in a dangerous factory was the thrill of a lifetime. It attracted millions of immigrants who otherwise would’ve chosen to be politically persecuted in their homeland. Let's debunk other so called "facts" in history textbooks:

Did the progressives tell you about any of these facts?
  • Myth - Dangerous conditions were responsible for the high number of workplace injuries and deaths.
    • Fact - Not true! With the proper precautions, anything is safe. If you carefully play in fire, you won’t get burned. And if you carefully drive your car off a cliff, you and your car will be unscathed. Likewise, the workplace injuries and deaths can be attributed to the carelessness of sweatshop employees.
  • Myth - Living conditions were poor.
    • Fact - Again, not true! Living in a tenement wasn’t bad at all. In fact, it would be like being on vacation forever. Tenements were smelly and cramped in the same way hotels have been.
  • Myth - Wages for sweatshop employees were unusually low.
    • Fact - The myth is true, but is deceptive as it tells only half of the story. The progressives never told you sweatshops create extremely high paying jobs for their owners.
Did you know resurrecting slavery would benefit Grandma?

Abolishing slavery was another violation of free market principles. Slavery was a great commodity. In fact, slavery was almost as profitable as gold. Furthermore, abolishing slavery violated the natural and constitutional rights of white land owning men. None of this deterred the so called progressives from abolishing slavery. In fact, the progressives were so determined to abolish slavery, they succeeded from Abraham Lincoln's Republican union, hence causing the Civil War. For more than a century, we just had to make do with Jim Crow laws. But, Jim Crow committed suicide by jumping in front of a train hence ending the Jim Crow era. I am so saddened by the fact that Crow committed suicide, it’s making me cry. Wha ha ha! Thank god for tissues, I don’t know how I’d be able to live without them. Sorry for going off topic, we are missing other things by not having slavery. I’ll tell you what we’re missing on the chalkboard.

Speaking of Bush, he was the greatest President ever! He was even better than the Founding Father Presidents: George Washington, Benjamin Franklin; and Republican, thus conservative Presidents; Abraham Lincoln and Richard Nixon. No other President followed the principles of the free market as closely as George W. Bush. The Bush administration was the only administration since the Franklin administration to give free Medicare to all grandmas! On an unimportant topic, Bush didn’t just give liberties to wealthy white men; he also gave terrorists liberties. If anything, Bush gave the terrorists too many liberties. For example, he took terrorists waterboarding. If I were President, I wouldn’t have done something so nice; I would’ve taken them snowboarding instead. Nonetheless, Bush was the only perfect President and if he weren’t hijacked from office by a Muslim - Barack Obama, he’d still be the President of the United States.

It is no secret Barack Obama is the first African American, Muslim, and Atheist President. A less well known fact is he is the first illegitimate President. For a long time, the birthplace of Barack Obama was a mystery. This mystery was solved when after months of severe pressure from Fox News and conservative Americans, Obama finally released his birth certificate to the people. When I read his birth certificate, I learned two things:

  1. His full name is Barack HUSSEIN Obama.
  2. Barack Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, and is therefore an illegitimate President. Millions of Americans suspected that all along.

Upon learning these facts, I was never so saddened in my life. For the first time, I ran out of tissues AND tears.

How could Hawaii possibly be part of America if an ocean full of sharks separate the two?

As you can see on the chalkboard, Hawaii is several hundred miles south of Florida. It is surrounded by the ocean at every corner, so for those of you who don't know what that means, it's an island. That means if you were to go out far enough on the ocean, you’d eventually reach Islam. That must be how Obama’s parents ended up in Hawaii. But, how could Barack Obama make it across the Gulf of Mexico? He was too young to legally take a boat across the gulf. Obama couldn’t have swam across the gulf, if he were to have done so, he would’ve been eaten alive by sharks! The only logical explanation for Obama making it across the gulf was by hijacking a boat. How shocking for someone whose middle name is Hussein and last name sounds like Osama! He took the hijacked boat to Chicago, a prominent city in Central America, where he crashed into the Sears Tower. That must be why the Sears Tower no longer exists. After crashing into the Sears Tower, Obama established his residence in Chicago, a resident he still maintains.

Now let’s focus on Barack Obama’s policies. Obama is less aligned with the free market than any other President in history. In particular, Obamacare violates one of the fundamental principles of a free market – free Medicare for grandma. Obamacare goes beyond taking away my grandma’s constitutional right to free Medicare. As Sarah Palin said, Obamacare has death panels. These death panels are specifically target to murder grandmothers. My grandmother will be put in front of a death panel! Maybe the insurance companies will sacrifice their profits and save grandma. Oh wait, Obamacare outlawed private insurance. Grandma is screwed!

It seems these days government is the problem. Yes, Franklin and Bush were great Presidents, but in general, government itself is the problem. Meanwhile, Big Business is very beneficial to American society. Apart from the fact most corporations are sweatshops, Big Business has a strong track record of being fair, transparent and doing what's best for their customers. For example, the Pharmaceutical, Tobacco, and Fast Food Industries have been committed to leading healthy lifestyles for their customers first and foremost. While the government isn't committed to giving their citizens choices, Big Business is committed to customer choice. The Oil Industry gives customers the choice of using their oil or getting around in a horse drawn carriage. Additionally, CEOs have far higher salaries than politicians. By this standard, Tony Hayward was far better than every President combined, save Washington, Franklin, and Bush who are priceless for giving grandmas free Medicare.

Three simple solutions that will save America.

Despite the progressivism that plagues America, America remains the world’s best country. What makes America the world’s best country are the American people. I'm talking about the very same people who elect the progressives that make up the progressive government. As I said on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Clarence Thomas’s “I Have a Dream” speech, I firmly believe we will get through these dark times. For specifics, look at the chalkboard.

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