GWAR
| GWAR | |
|---|---|
 GWAR, after killing all the dinosaurs | |
| Background Information | |
| Origin | Various Planets, GWAR, Antarctica |
| Genre(s) | Cat Food, Arockalypse, Bavarian Prostitution |
| Years Active | The Beginning of Time - The End of Time |
| Statistics | Concert Death Toll: 2,133,745.6 Concert Fatality Rate: 99.9999999...%[1] Songs Written: All Concerts Held: 1337 |
| Website | http://www.gwar.net |
| Current Members | Oderus Urungus Flattus Maximus Balsac the Jaws of Death Beefcake the Mighty Jizmak da Gusha |
“Every video should be like a GWAR video.”
“This is actually probably the most accurate entry on Uncyclopedea.”
“If I become homeless and gay where will I suck dicks for a living?”
GWAR is a group of demigods from various planets that have been exiled to this pathetic mudball for hundreds of billions of centuries.
Over the last 25 years, GWAR has spent their time performing rock music and making an award-winning cat food out of their fans after each concert.
GWAR was named as such by "The Master" after he created the elite fighting force, he dubbed them with a a name, and so GWAR was created.
History[edit]
Origin[edit]
In the beginning of time, the Master, a giant celestial butt, created existence, but he got bored with it, so he created life. After 42 years, he created disasters, but he got bored with that too, so he created monsters.
After a while, the monsters gained in power that threatened the Master himself, so he created GWAR to combat the monsters.
They killed all the monsters, and thus they began eating far too many chili-cheese dogs, fucking animals and generally creating a mess of things.
At the beginning of all things, there was the Master, a hideous planet-sized creature floating in an endless void. And it was a boring void, so he created everything ever just to amuse himself. And as life spread through this void, The Master found the best way to amuse himself with his new toys was to make them fight each other, so he created WAR. And he saw that it was good, so he created The Scumdogs of the Universe as the ultimate executors of his favorite activity. For thousands of eons my Scumdog brothers and myself heaped endless atrocities upon a deserving galaxy. Planet after planet, race after race blazed to ruin on our flaming altar of sacrifice. Our enemies were many, from the peaceful folk of Flab-Quarve 7, to the sinister legions of robotic holy-warrior Cardinal Sin, and the wars we waged were never-ending. Led by The Master’s most loyal servant, the cyborg Techno-Destructo, the Scumdogs had become the most powerful force in the universe. So great that we dared to rise up in rebellion against our creator and fulfill our dream of destroying everything. The ensuing battle was beyond epic, as The Master deployed his newest and most powerful weapon, The Death Pod, and turned it against us. Ultimately we were defeated, and Techno loaded GWAR into the dreaded Butt-Cannon and shot us to the most insignificant, isolated mud ball of a planet in the entire ga laxy—the planet Earth!
There we busily set about fucking everything up on our new home. The first thing we did was have sex with the local animal population, thereby creating the human race. These loathsome creatures spread across the surface of the planet faster than the herpes on Lohan’s twat! We used to delight in the destruction of their civilizations—like the time Beefcake sank Atlantis by using it as his personal vomitorium, or Flattus de-foliated the Fertile Crescent with his chronic flatulence! But soon all of this barbarous activity had attracted the attention of The Master, who sent Techno-Destructo to check on his wayward creation. Enraged that we had created humans (the most annoying of races), The Master froze us in a great tomb in the barren waste of Antarctica, to sleep in its icy vastness until such times as he called us back into his horrific service!
Millions of years passed, but GWAR still imposed their will on humanity…reaching into their dreams and inspiring them to heap atrocities upon each other and pollute and ravage their own world with disease and war. And it was the pollution of heavy metal that ultimately led to GWAR’s release! Because of the brief dominance of hair-metal bands in the late 80’s, and their overuse of hair spray, a huge hole was burned into the ozone above the GWAR temple, and the member’s of GWAR began to de-thaw. At that precise moment, music mogul and notorious underworld boss Sleazy P. Martini was on the run from the I.R.S., shot down over Antarctica and crashing into the frozen tundra in front of the GWAR Temple! Stumbling inside, he discovered the ageless warriors stirring within their tombs. Seizing the moment and in short order Sleazy quickly got us addicted to crack (the only thing that saved his life), brought us back to the U.S.A., gave us electric guitars, and exposed the world to the sickest band in metal history—GWAR !
Since GWAR’s re-birth on planet Earth, events have come at a tumultuous pace. GWAR has witnessed, inspired, and is indeed directly responsible for many of the most destructive events in Earth’s recent past. It is no coincidence that since the second coming of GWAR, this world’s has slipped ever closer to the apocalypse it so woefully deserves. Indeed, if GWAR had’nt had to expend so much energy battling their cosmic foes, we would have surely eaten the entire human race by now! We have withstood the onslaughts of Techno-Destructo, and his twin brother, Bozo-Destructo, after they were done fighting each other! We braved the wrath of Granbo and the Morality Squad, who attempted to confiscate my penis. We fought the hideous SkulHedFace in an attempt to summon the World-Maggot and ride it back to outer space. Unfortunately it left without us, though to this day we hope there are two World Maggots! We even repelled an assault by the Master himself who attempted to return us to his cosmic servitude. Most recently we saw GWAR storming the gates of hell itself and claiming that realm as our own! And all the while we continued to ravage the planet, conducting our great “death-rallies”, luring the humans in with the music of metal, and then slaughtering them en masse. CD’s, DVD’s, and burnt-out cities continue to be produced in infinite procession, tracking the continuing progression of one of the most legendary bands in rock and roll history—the mighty GWAR!
Exile[edit]
The Master was annoyed with GWAR, so he banished all of them to eternity on a pathetic mudball in the middle of nowhere. They decided it would be a nice place to live, so they killed all the dinosaurs, stretched their gizzards across the Grand Canyon, and bassist/swordsman Beefcake the Mighty composed the first song, "I Write The Songs."
The Master was angered at their fun, as well as infuriated that they created the human race by fucking apes, and froze them in a giant ice-block in the ice-capital of Antarctica, GWAR.[2]
The 1980's[edit]
In the 1980's, the astronomical amounts of hairspray used by glam bands such as David Bowie melted the ozone above Antartica, freeing GWAR. They left Antarctica for the United States, where they met Sleazy P. Martini. Sleazy taught them how to use instruments, and they formed a band of the same name.
Current Activities[edit]
Recently, Gwar declared the results of the 2008 Presidential Election invalid and would be decided the presidency in a wrestling match. Also on the line were the Frank Sinatra belts of total world domination.
Adoption[edit]
In the year of 666 ADHDTV (After Developing High Definition Television), the not-so-public announcement that hide had adopted Gwar was made. He promised to feed them wholesome foods and to give them free range over the universe if they made good grades. Ever since then, Gwar has been secretly trying to engineer monstrous pink spiders in the name of hide, in an attempt to take over the universe. And make good grades.
The Band[edit]
“Are your ears bleeding, too?”
GWAR's sound has been described as Satanic, Demonic, Fiendish, and downright badass. Its effects allegedly include:
- Infantile spontaneous combustion
- Hearing loss
- Erectile function
- Diarrhea
- Death
- Arson
- Sodomy
- Genital Herpes
- Mass suicide
- AIDS
- Being Homeless and Gay
- Kidney Stones
- Crabs
- Rectal Bleeding
- And the occasional deep-throat gagging on a cuttlefish
Members[edit]
The band has had many members, many of which are now dead.
Current members[edit]
The current lineup of GWAR is made up of five members. Only one of them is dead.
- Oderus Urungus (Lead Screamer/Singer/Shouter/Swordsman): Oderus hails from planet Scumdogia, in the middle of the universe, and is 28 million years old. His mother was a petri dish and his father was a supercomputer. At one point, a hyperintelligent fish, the Cuttlefish of Cthulhu, attached itself to his thighs, but at a joint concert with the Police, the Police violently removed it with a laser-saw.
- Flattus Maximus (Guitar/Necrophiliac): Flattus is a reptilian recluse from the planet Home. He is illiterate and follows a strict vegetarian diet.[3]
- Balsac the Jaws of Death (Guitar/Battleaxe): Balsac the Jaws of Death (not to be confused with his own ballsack, Balsac) is from the planet Ennui, and he is π x 10 21 000 000 years old. He is taller than Oderus, and weighs 12 tons fully dressed, 98 lbs in a towel. His head is a bear trap. He is the most intelligent member of the band and an alcoholic. He is attracted to quadriplegics over blondes, and writes songs using his scrotum.
- Beefcake the Mighty' (Bass/Dinosaur Guts): Beefcake the Mighty is the heaviest member of GWAR, weighing in at 299 tons. He is credited with inventing music after killing the dinosaurs. He was born on planet Cholesterol, where he met Oderus Urungus, who invited him to join the group.
- Jizmak da Gusha (Drums/Hammer): Jizmak is a canine barbarian from the planet The Wide World of Sports. According to Balsac, there are a lot of frisbees. That is all.
- Sleazy P. Martini: The band's manager.
Former Members[edit]
Vocals
Amazina ,GWAR woman ([[1986]-1987)known for killing the chernobyl Nuclear cockroach and promoting GWAR cereal
Slymenstra Hymen ([[1988] - 14 April 1865)[4] Deceased.
Johnny Slutman (1985 - 1986) Deceased.
Joey Slutman (1986 - 1990) Deceased.
Guitar
Mr. Magico (1776 - 1789) Deceased.
Stephen Sphincter (1337 - 1776) Deceased.
Cornelius Carnage (1789 - 1985) Deceased.[5]
Mr. Magico (1966 - present) Initially thought to be dead, but just living in Kansas.
Bass
Stephen Sphincter (1337 - 1776) Deceased.[6]
BalSac[7] (1776 - 1985) Deceased.
Beefcake the Tiny - (1067-1981) - formally Beefcake the Mighty, he was sentenced for convicted of forgery for trying to pen Bud Dwyer's suicide.
Drums
Hans Sphincter (1985 - 1992) Deceased.
Hans Orifice (1992 - 1996) Deceased.
Nippleus Erectus (1996 - 1999) Deceased.
Lea Beato (1999 - 2002) Deceased.
Keyboards
Müsel (1337 - 1437) Deceased.
Manager
Sleazy P Martini (1957 - ]]) Managing the Tubes now
References[edit]
- ↑ It has been mathematicallly proven that .99999... = 1, so this is technically 100, despite the fact that 40% of a person made it out of a concert in Philadelphia due to a clerical error.
- ↑ The city and group's names are a coincidence, the city being an acronym of GRAK WURG AAHRG REEK! (Icelandic)
- ↑ That is, he exclusively eats vegetarians.
- ↑ Hymen travelled back in time to help assassinate Abraham Lincoln, and was the first woman hanged in the United States.
- ↑ Many will point out that Lector simply escaped from jail, but those people are communists. Don't listen to them.
- ↑ Sphincter was in fact simultaneously Bass and Guitar player, using a Gibson EDS-1337 in conjunction with his telekinetic powers.
- ↑ Note that this is not a person, but Balsac, Jaws of Death's actual ballsack, which, for its duration as a member of the band, gained sentience and demigod status.