Cat food
Cat food refers to either the slop you eat only because you're extremely hungry and nothing else is immediately available, or the kibbles and pulled bits that keep cats alive and allow them to reproduce and eventually take over the world. This article discusses the latter.
What is Cat Food?[edit]
Cat food comes from Cattus Stimualosis, a weather extreme-tolerant plant found in Africa. According to archaeologists, native tribes planted this throughout the continent for thousands of years so they wouldn't have to worry about feeding their cats as they migrated from place to place. Nowadays, megacorporations grow and harvest the plant on massive farms all over the world to meet global cat food demand. Most cat food sold in stores is flavored and/or mixed with various meats so cat owners won't have to hold their noses while feeding it to their cats.
Manufacturing Process[edit]
It all begins on the farm. Year-round, cat food seeds are planted in the ground by illegal aliens, women, children, and uneducated laborers who couldn't learn how to do anything else. After a few months of feeding, fertilizing, weeding, and applying pesticides to the field of cat food, combine harvesters sweep the mature stalks off the field and take the harvest to the on-site processing center. The machines at the processing center clean, rinse, roll, then press the stalks into the basic shape of cat kibbles. The kibbles then bake in a special oven for 24 hours. After baking, the batch of kibbles goes to a flavoring center located in the center of a city with at least one million residents so highly trained experts can add vitamins, minerals, flavors, and preservatives to help support a cat's overall health. If the intended product is plain old dry cat food, it is finished at this point, and the cat food is bagged and boxed for retail sale. If the cat food is meant for a wet mix, the flavored kibble goes to a meat tips addition line where copious amounts of fish, beef, chicken, pork, and venison are mixed with the dry cat food and then bagged, canned, and boxed to be sold at retailers worldwide.
How Cats Get Cat Food[edit]
Many people think cat food is simply given to cats, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Cats get their food in many different ways:
Humans[edit]
Since humans created cats and are the only ones who can make cat food, cats have an arsenal of tricks up their sleeves for getting it from them. One way is to beg their owners (people) for food when humans don't give it to them in a timely manner. Since not all cat owners actually feed their cats, cats often use something called "Telekeneedconsumablesplease", and any selfless and kind folk within 100 meters of the call epicenter will bring the cats some cat food. The most extreme method, however, is getting humans to worship them as gods. Since cats are the most ferocious killing machines on the face of the planet, they are able to extort cat food from fearful worshippers even when they don't really need it to survive. This method reached the height of its popularity among cats and people in ancient Egypt, but it is very rarely observed today.
The Wild[edit]
In the wild, cats eat Cattus Stimualosis to stay alive when humans aren't around to give them cat food. This is how big cats get their cat food: first, gazelle and antelope feed on Cattus Stimualosis. Second, the big cats eat the gazelle and antelope. The cat food the gazelle and antelope ate are what actually sustain big cats. Small cats use a similar method, except they get the cat food from smaller animals that eat Cattus Stimualosis and sometimes just consume the plant stalks themselves.
It has been noted that the bee population has been declining while the global population of feral cats has been increasing. One theory based on this information is that some cats subsist entirely on bees and eat human-manufactured cat food only to please their human owners so the cats will always have the luxury of someone serving them.