Euchre

Relax...... This article is certified safe for prudes. It is so tame, you could walk right up and poke it in the eye and it wouldn't fight back. The MPAA couldn't give it more than a PG rating, and even China has no desire to censor it. So just sit your family down in front of the computer, and bask in the warmth of its gentle humour.

If you deal yourself this hand, quickly claim that you didn't shuffle and were just seeing if everyone was paying attention, then collect the cards to deal again before anyone can object. If someone else dealt you this crap, you're screwed.

“What the F_ _ _ is Euchre?”

~ Anyone not from the Midwest on Euchre

“Euchre, I hardly know her!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Euchre (because he needs a quote on the top of every Uncyclopedia article)

Euchre (also known as eucre by people who spell it incorrectly) is a card game that has existed since ancient times (i.e. before the 1960s) and is still widely played today. In general, the game is played by two teams of two, with each player, for some reason, sitting opposite his or her partner. The object of the game is to get a full house (three of the same card and two of the same other card) and scream "Yahtzee!", although some may claim otherwise. People who play euchre are called eucharists.

History

Supposedly, Euchre was invented by the Europeans, but since the Europeans claim that everything was invented by them, this may or may not be true. It was most definitely played by the Mayans, who played to sacrifice people to the Gods in their spare time (i.e. while they were not building Chichen Itza or predicting the end of the world). In the Mayan version, after each point was scored, the losing team had to cut off a limb (a sacrifice to the gods). Since games were played to ten points even then, it was rare for either team to survive a full game. This caused the downfall of the Mayan empire, but that didn't stop the Aztecs from adopting the game during their reign. When Hernán Cortés arrived in the region, he enthusiastically joined in on the fun, and managed to win 99.999% of the time (because everyone knows that Europeans are cheaters). This quickly caused the downfall of the Aztecs. Therefore, two of the three biggest Latin American empires met their downfall due to euchre, and the Incas were only spared due to the fact that there was not a flat enough space to play the game anywhere in their native Andes region.

Luckily, once the Europeans took over, they realized that playing euchre for sacrificial purposes was foolish. They continued to play the game, but managed to limit their aggression to other, more benevolent practices. Over the next few centuries, the game spread like the AIDS virus.

“It's better than burning witches!”

~ Puritans on Euchre

During the 19th century, the game saw a decrease in popularity due to the emergence of other fads such as civil war. Currently, it is widely played in various parts of the U.S., Britain, criminal wastelands, Canada(eh?), and other places no one cares about.

A typical game

This section contains strategies which may be used to...well, win. Read at your own risk.

Even if you're playing against Charlie Brown, gotta fight to the death for use of your cards. You never know what that round-headed kid has stashed up his sleeves.

• Euchre games last anywhere between one minute and one hour, depending on how interested the players are in the game, how experienced the players are at stacking the deck, and whether or not the future of the Earth is at stake. Since no game has ever been conclusively proved to be decisive in the future of the Earth, this factor is sometimes overlooked; however, as any true American (let's pick one at random...say, Tiger Woods) could attest, the smallest little things can have a big impact.
• The first step is to get three other people to play. This can be the most challenging part of the game. It is necessary to find a partner who knows how to play well enough to avoid "green egging" and therefore ruining your illustrious reputation as a euchre stud. Preferably, this partner also possesses the power of telepathy so that the two of you can win every hand without table talking (see below). These qualities are not necessary for your opponents - they only have to breathe and walk upright on two legs (unless you are playing the Mayan or Aztec way in which case even the limbs are unnecessary).
• When someone asks "who has the cards?" you must have yours ready. If others attempt to volunteer their own cards, you should fight them to the death. This is because you have stacked the deck in advance in your favor.
• Sit down at a level surface. This can be a table, bed, beach, freeway, whatever. Just somewhere flat.
• Don't simply start the game by dealing. That is UNFAIR! Instead, follow the "first blackjack deals" rule, and since you have stacked the deck, you win the deal.
• Begin the game! Since you have stacked the deck you can easily jump out to a 4-0 lead.
• If anyone on the other team gets a loner, call a misdeal.

Strategy

See Table Talking.

Table Talking

Table talking is what euchre players do when they are too stupid to count cards, too wimpy to take a chance based on their own hand, and too ignorant to realize that the other team knows perfectly well what they are talking about.

Examples of bad table talk

• "How would you like to go digging today?"
• "Are you going to the club tonight?"
• "Are you feeling the love?"
• "Are you rich?"
• "How do you feel about hitting people right now?"
• "How's your girlfriend/boyfriend?"
• "How's the mining business?"
• "Do you feel like dancing today?"
• "How would you like to go digging today?" (they can't think of anything better for spades)

Examples of good table talk

• "What is the capital of Bangladesh?"
• "My car broke down on the way here today."
• "I figured out how to swindle tons of money from my company without them knowing."
• "Dude, I just broke out of jail last night."
• "What suit is trump?"
• "What game are we playing anyways?"
• "Pass."
• "Pick it up."
• "I'll go alone."
• "That's what she said."

These have no underlying meaning and are simply normal conversation topics that might be discussed, therefore good table talk is no table talk at all.

How to Steal the Deal

• Never look at the person you are stealing from. If you were shoplifting, would you look at the cashier and say hi? No, I think not.
• Be casual. Collect the cards calmly, just as you would if it were really your deal, which it is.
• Make sure you or your partner continues any conversation that may have been happening, even if you must resort to extreme measures such as talking about the weather.
• Proceed.

Rules that don't actually exist

• "Blind Loner" - A bad idea. This rule lets a player call "alone" before the hand is dealt. Makes it possible to get eight points in one hand, which is 80% of the 10 points you need to win and therefore far above the legal limit.
• "Farmer's Hands" - When you have reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy bad cards and are too wimpy to deal with it, so you exchange three of them for the three hidden cards in the kitty.

Other meanings of the word Euchre

• A small city in northern Michigan where they can't stop playing the game.
• Plural for wildebeest, i.e. "I saw a euchre of wildebeest yesterday in my backyard."
• A derogatory term for George W. Bush.
• A misspelling of the word Eucharist.

See also

• Poker
• George W. Bush
• Cards
• Games