A load of crap

In all its glory!

In the Eskimo language, there are over 20 different words for snow. That, presumably, is because there was so much snow around them all the time. In English, we have over 20 different words for crap...for the same reason. A load of crap is a compilation of all the synonyms for the word crap. The purpose of this article is two-fold. First, to expand the vocabulary horizons of the general public who tend to use a single word exclusively. (Hopefully, those who read this will endeavor to add variety to their vocabulary.) Secondly, because who wouldn't want to spend countless hours and an advanced degree researching and writing all about turd? How better to enrich humanity?

Over the course of this this scholarly work, each word and its origins will be discussed exhaustively. However, if you are taking the time to read an article about poo, then you most likely are not very scholarly. Therefore, I will try to explain some of the larger words to you. For example, scholarly means sumthin' they dun learned ya at school. Other meanings for big words will be at the end of each section of this article. Below, you can see the Big words explained list at the end of this section.

I have placed the entries of this article in alphabetical order, not in the order of frequency of use, to prevent bias toward any one word.

Big words explained

• Compilation - To put stuff together
• Synonyms - Words that mean the same thing. For example, you and ignoramus.
• Horizons of vocabulary - Words you know how to say. Go ask Mr. Rogers.
• Exclusively - Without using any others
• Endeavor - Try your very hardest
• Variety - Lots of different stuff
• Enrich - To make something better than it was
• Exhaustively - As much as you can; If you ever did your homework exhaustively, you might become scholarly.
• Alphabetical - Starts with A and ends with Z
• Frequency of use - How much people (like your dad) say it
• Bias - Not fair, not fair, not fair

Bowel movement

The violin: Incapable of playing a bowel movement, though you might think it sounds like one.

Bowel comes from the french root boele which means innards. Movement is a part of a symphony; as in the 2nd movement of Beethoven's 5th symphony. Some time around 1874, someone combined the two words meaning the sound you make when you defecate. His attempt to orchestrate this, however, was a dismal failure. Someone misinterpreted the term movement meaning "the song" to movement meaning "to go to a new place", and thought it was just a not-quite-as-gross way to say poo. The term stuck around.

Big words explained

• Bowels - Your guts; that part of you that people say they hate. But with what comes out of your guts, who can blame them?
• Innards - Another word that means guts. You might not have any.
• Symphony - A kind of music that ignorant people don't like to listen to.
• Defecate - Make a do do
• Orchestrate - To take sounds that you hear and write them down on paper so that other people can play them on musical instruments. (Either that or make a deafening squelch.)
• Dismal failure - Epic fail
• Misinterpreted - Doesn't understand, like you with this word.

Buffalo chip

The first known floating casino...the HMS Buffalo.

If you think buffalo chips come from here, YOU'RE WRONG!

Regardless of anything you might have heard or thought, the term buffalo chip does not originate from the American bison. Rather, it comes from some British sailors who wouldn't let a little thing like rules get in the way of their fun.

The captain of the HMS Buffalo was an austere man and had no use for anything that might blemish the good name of the British Empire. He demanded that his men look sharp, avoid all vice (such as alcohol and gambling), and above all refrain from swearing like a sailor. Some of his men couldn't be bothered with a useless little thing like self discipline and disregarded the rules as often as possible. Each night at the end of their shift, they would go down into the belly of the ship and play a quick game of poker, drink whatever fermented thing happened to be around, and tell 'yo' mamma' jokes in the most vulgar way possible. After about three months of consequence-free poker, they ran upon a bit of bad luck. The second mate happened upon their game and was duty bound to report it to the captain. The captain took their cards and poker chips and tossed them into the ocean. Each of the sailors also ended up with some shiny new red marks on his back.

While the sailors did have more cards, they only had just the one set of chips, which had just been gifted to Davy Jones. For a while, this ended the poker frenzy. However a cook's mate happened upon a brilliant plan. Long before Myth Busters ever did, he disproved the myth that you can't put a shine on a turd. Without going into the gruesome details, this fine young sailor put a high gloss on some turd chips, embossed 1, 5, 10, and 25 denominations on them, and soon play resumed. From that day to this, a turd can be referred to as a Buffalo chip.

Big words explained

• American bison - A big cow
• Austere - Strict; much worse than your parents
• Blemish - Something that looks bad; like that huge zit on your face
• Self discipline - Doing what you are supposed to do; people tend to like this in other people, so you should try to acquire a little of this.
• Consequence-free - No punishment; it never lasts
• Embossed - Draw stuff

Bung

You'd be plugged too if this was breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Bung comes from the 15th century Dutch word, bonge which means stopper or plug. The traditional Dutch diet consisted of bread and herring, and as everyone knows, too much kippered herring will plug anyone up. Doctors back then spent so much time helping patients with their constipation issues that they soon started using the word bonge to refer to all forms of feces. Thus bung remains with us to this day.

Big words explained

• 15th century - Before you were born
• Kippered - Cut open so the guts get all over everything
• Constipation - When the poo poo gets stuck in your bum and won't come out

Cow pie

Moo!

This is exactly what it appears to be. It comes from a cow and looks like a pie. Enough said. A kindergartener could figure it out. Why did you have to look it up?

Crap

To cook a carp, you get an old pine board, and place the carp on it. You marinade the carp for three days in a mixture of soy sauce and honey. Next you slow cook the carp at exactly 285 degrees for 7 hours and 18 minutes. Finally you throw away the carp and eat the board.

Crap is a word frequently used in the United States and other English-speaking countries. It's origin comes from the fish called the carp, which tastes like crap. In the 16th century, in some fishing villages in Great Britain, talking about poo was taboo. If a fishermen's wife caught him talking about poo, the poor sod ended up sleeping in the dog house. So, some fisherman had a bright idea, because carp tasted very similar to poo (I have no idea who first tasted poo to decide this) the fishermen started referring to poo as carp to keep from getting yelled at all the time. For example they would say, "You're full O' carp, Haans" or "Clean up this carpy room. It looks like a big pile O' carp." Eventually this became the current word, crap.

Big words explained

• Frequently - Lots and lots
• English-speaking - What you are supposed to be
• Origin - Where stuff comes from
• 16th century - A long long time ago - like Star Wars
• Taboo - Very, very bad

Crud

This is what Miss Muffet was eating. What does this look like to you?

Do you remember the story of Little Miss Muffet? OK, for those of you who's parents were too self-envolved to read you bed time stories, it goes like this:

“ This girl named Muffet was sitting on a tuffet eating curds and whey. Apparently she didn't like spiders much. ”

So the real point of this story is that she was eating curds. Here's a picture of curds.

Now that you know what a curd is...In 1596, young man emigrated from China to Ireland. His name, sadly enough, was Kik Mei, which often happened. But this was not the only form of abuse inflicted on this poor lad. Every day Kik Mei's mother put cheese curds in his lunch. As a joke one day, some kids at school replaced his cheese curds with something a dog left in the street. He didn't eat it, but everyone said he did. In honor of Kik Mei's lunch, everyone started referring to poo as curd, but because crud is easier to say than curd, the term soon became crud.

Big words explained

• Self-envolved - Parents who care only about themselves; this usually means that you were an accident.
• Tuffet - A padded foot rest; regardless of what your friend might have said.
• Emigrated - Moved; like you often do because your dad can't hold a job.

Do do

Sticking out the tongue: An old Maori tradition meaning "Your mom tasted like crap, and so will you...but I'm going to kill and eat you anyway.

The term do do comes from the Maori people. This noble race of cannibals gave a whole new meaning to the phrase "love thy neighbor". They decided that this was best accomplished with a side of breadfruit and garnished with a banana leaf. This beautiful example of native culture existed in New Zealand for centuries until the white man appeared and thrust their short-sighted notions of civility on these esteemed warriors. After all, what adverse psychological effects could Maori children possibly have suffered from knowing that at any time their parents or they might be taken and boiled alive by a neighboring tribe? White men with their self-righteous notions of cultural supremacy have ruined the world! But back to the topic at hand...

Anyway, whenever a visitor entered a Maori village, a warrior would greet this person with a challenge. During this challenge, the warrior would stick out his tongue repeatedly. The meaning of this was "Your grandfather tasted good and so will you." That was the standard greeting of respect. If the warrior held any animosity towards the visitor, he did an insulting form of the greeting called the do do. For this greeting, he would curl his tongue into the form of a log (perhaps you understand the symbolism) meaning "Your grandfather tasted like crap. In fact, he tasted so bad that the dog wouldn't even eat him. We couldn't even get the vultures to eat him. He was just plain disgusting! And you are a walking turd, just like he was."

As the white man invaded and wiped out this most respectable tradition, they integrated the term do do (which they thought sounded funny) into their language to mean dung.

Big words explained

• Cannibals - People who eat other people; like your old pal, Jeffrey Dahmer
• Native culture - A completely arbitrary idea of how people should act in society
• Short-sighted notions of civility - Dumb ideas
• Esteemed - Awesome!!!!!!
• Adverse psychological effects - Stuff that makes you worry and have bad dreams; like the way your uncle used to look at you.
• Self-righteous notions of cultural supremacy - We're better than you! Nah nah n-nah nah nah!
• Animosity - A feeling of being truly ticked off at someone
• Integrated - Assimilated; like the Borg.

Dung

Concept drawing of dungaree pants circa 1547.

International symbol for "Stop the battle for a potty break" prior to the mid thirteenth century. Why it was adopted by it's current users is a mystery.

Dung comes from the word dungarees, which is a military uniform worn in the Navy. In the old days, dungarees were different than they are today. They had a quick-release hatch in back, much like long johns, so sailors could just open 'er up and let the poo fly. (Sometimes they weren't quick enough on the draw, and then the dungarees just became dungy.)

What was the point of the opening at the gluteus maximus you ask? Well, contrary to what you might hear from someone in the Army (and if you don't know what they say in the Army, it's probably for the best) during a battle, a sailor couldn't just up and stop for a potty break. If they were in the middle of loading a cannon or hauling a powder keg over to the port side when nature called, they just opened the handy flap, and multi-tasked. This made it really fun to swab the deck afterwards.

Before the invention of dungarees, the captains had a a special rainbow flag they had to run up that meant "stop the battle, the bosun's got to head to the john." (If the bosun's name was John, then it would be 'John to the head.') There was a rule back then that when the rainbow flag went up, everyone had to stop fighting. The captains got tired of this and came up with dungarees. And from dungarees came dung...literally.

Big words explained

• Quick-release - Easy open, kind of like...(Ok, that one is just too obvious)
• Gluteus maximus - A butt. (The part of you that gets kicked all the time.)
• Multi-Task - Do two things at the same time; like do your homework and read this (wait, I bet you're not doing your homework.)
• Contrary - Different
• Swab the deck - Mop the top of the ship. If you lost the mop overboard, it's probably better to just jump in after it unless you want to use your own shirt.
• Bosun - The guy in charge of making sure you swab the deck and kicking your gluteus maximus if you don't.

Excrement

You probably couldn't hold it either.

This word comes from a combination of the word ex which means over or finished, and scream, which means to yell loudly, and usually in a high-pitched tone. The word comes from the torture chambers of the Spanish Inquisition. Over the 72 hours of agony while being purged of their sin, the prisoners usually became somewhat incontinent. The janitors of the time called all the poo on the floor, excrement, meaning what is left after the screaming stops.

Big words explained

• Combination - To put together
• High-pitched tone - The tone you use when you whine about having to eat vegetables.
• Spanish Inquisition - A terrible torture Spanish priests used to inflict on people who went to the wrong church. Now this happens to you after you die if you go to the wrong church.
• Purged - To be forcefully removed from something, kind of like how your lunch money is forcefully removed from you every day.
• Incontinent - You can't hold it any more. How do you know if you have it? Well, that depends.

Feces

Some faces might make you think it is, but this is not the origin of the word feces.

Looks kinda like a plugged toilet.

This word comes from the Latin faeces which does not mean ugly face. I can see how some of you might have thought that, but this is a misconception. Instead, the word means dregs or grounds, as in coffee grounds. You know, that stuff at the bottom of your cup that looks like one of your co-workers played a practical joke that was in very bad taste...literally. Not only do the coffee grounds look like turd, but when you drink coffee, your breath smells that way too. It is for this very reason that the term feces comes from the Latin word for The gunk at the bottom of your coffee cup.

Big words explained

• Misconception - Something that lots of people believe, probably because they heard it from you.

Guano

Yes, that really is bear dung keeping his hair in place.

Long before Alberto came out with Vo5, there was hair, and as long as there has been hair, there has been a need to style it. But because there was no hair gel, the ultimate in ultra hold was a nice, fresh bear turd. Poo from other animals just didn't have that all-week hold that everyone was looking for in pre-colonial North America.

Just like anyone else, the average Native American wanted to look his best. But because a good hair stylist was hard to find in your local tribe, most braves opted for the do-it-yourself salon. For some, this meant letting those long locks blow in the breeze. However, without proper styling, all that long hair blowing around in your eyes could make it difficult to get off a clean shot at a that buffalo, so some Native American tribes opted for nature's organic hair gel.

The tribe most famous for using poo in this way was the Mohawk tribe, from which the famous hair style of today originates. This Fox tribe chief has also spiked his "do" (pun intended) with this most useful substance.

The term guano comes from the Fox tribe's language, and means stiffened hair. The Mohawk term was simply too difficult to pronounce, and sounded too much like a profane word in French, so it was discarded.

In these tribes, young boys could not sport a mohawk until they had passed their coming-of-age test. In order prove their manhood, and earn the right to wear a tricked-out hair do, a young brave had to go take some fresh dung from a live bear. This made the average 14 year old Indian about 50 times tougher than today's punk rocker wannabe.

Big words explained

• Pre-colonial - Before the British, French, Spanish, and Dutch decided to take over the place.
• Substance - Stuff
• Discarded - Thrown away; like all that perfectly good food that could go to Africa.

Hud

Workers cleaning up after completing a HUD home.

Hud was coined in the United States around the mid 1970's, but it is unclear how the term came to mean crap. This term has several possible origins.

The least likely option is that it came from an anti-Islamic sentiment. Islamic records tell of a pre-Qu'ranic Prophet of Islam named Hud. However, because most Americans can't even find an Islamic nation on the map, the term hud originating from this prophet's name is very unlikely.

Another possibility is that it came from the acronym for the heads-up display in a U.S. fighter jet. Early versions didn't work very well and fighter pilots thought they were a bunch of crap. By contrast, today's fighter pilots love them. The Tetris app really livens up those long, boring patrol flights.

The acronym for the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development is an additional option. Like every other government agency of every nation in the world, these people foul up everything they touch. And in the 1970's, the housing they provided was thought of as being of inferior quality. It is not known whether this is because they were made poorly or because the residents who had little financial stake in the home simply trashed them. Probably a combination of the two. Anyway, HUD homes were often thought to be synonymous with crappy homes, so this could have been the basis of the word hud.

The final, and most likely option is that the word just plain sounds like it should mean poop. Consider the sentence Your date looks like hud. Hud just doesn't sound like it could possibly ever mean a million bucks or anything.

Because there is no record of the term's etymology, you will just have judge which theory is the most believable.

Big words explained

• Sentiment - Someone's feelings or ideas; yours are probably wrong.
• Acronym - What happens when people are too lazy to say all the words.
• Contrast - Something different.
• Inferior quality - Breaks the first time you touch it; you probably have had some Christmas presents like this.
• Financial stake - A reason to care about something; if you bought it yourself, you usually care about it more.
• Etymology - The study of words; usually no one cares unless the word is profane.

Manure

I know how to mark my territory. Do you?

The word manure is brought to you by the French. It comes from the word meynoverer which means to hold property. In France, in about 1007 AD, serfs couldn't build fences because all the land was owned by the feudal lords, and they thought fences looked like eyesores and wouldn't allow them on their property. Not wanting to work any harder than the next guy, the serfs were perplexed about how to delineate their portion of the land they had to work. However this was soon resolved. Taking a cue from Fido, they found an alternate way to mark the boundaries for their areas of responsibility. For this reason, outhouses were not invented for five more centuries.

Big words explained

• Serf - A peon; what you are to President Obama.
• Feudal lord - Da boss man
• Eyesores - Ugly to look at; like train cars that have been tagged with stupid paintings from your worthless punk gang.
• Perplexed - Confused; like you were about this word before I explained it to you.
• Delineate - Mark off or separate; like those retarded shoes hanging over the telephone wires that mark off territory for your worthless punk gang (because you can't read maps.)
• Responsibility - Something that you can put off a little longer by wasting time on Uncyclopedia.

Meadow Muffin

I love fairy tales, don't you?

The term Meadow Muffin comes from a beloved Gambian fairy tale told for generations to Gambian children at bed time. It goes like this (loosely translated of course):

“ Once upon a time there was a fair maiden who danced in the meadow each day. She was as fair as the dawn and as sweet as a honeycomb (from Africanized bees of course). Her name was Monosyllabalia, but everyone thought that sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard, so they just called her Meadow Muffin.

As she was dancing in the meadow one day, a handsome prince was riding by and saw Meadow Muffin dancing and singing in the meadow. He was instantly stricken with love for this most lovely damsel. Soon the two were courting and no two people could have been happier. Each day as they walked and talked together they fell more and more in love with each other. Soon enough, wedding plans were made and a large, beautiful wedding was held in the meadow. The bride looked ravishing and the groom looked dashing. People from all around the kingdom had come to the wedding of the happy couple. The women wept for joy, while the men all had allergies.

The witch doctor (this is Africa after all) who presided over the ceremony had just asked Meadow Muffin, "Do you take Prince Manly to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Meadow Muffin was just about to answer when suddenly a large golden-red dragon swooped down, grabbed Meadow Muffin in his great talons, swallowed her whole, and flew off. Prince Manly immediately mounted his noble steed and set out after the beast.

...15 pages of bravery, harrowing events, and untold suffering later...

Prince Manly enters the dragon's lair, and faces down the menacing beast. A heroic battle ensues and a victorious Prince Manly cuts open the dragon to free his beloved bride, only to find that she has been completely digested and expelled.

Heart broken, Prince Manly gathers all that is left of his soul mate, the dragon droppings he finds in the cave, and returns home. He buries these remains in lavish tomb, places Meadow Muffin's name over the tomb in gold letters, and spends the rest of his life fighting legal battles with PETA for cruelty to animals.

Years later, as a child and his mother are walking by the tomb, the child innocently asks, "Mommy, what's in that building?"

The mother replies, "That's Meadow Muffin, dear," and the two walk home.

The child sneaks back the next day, opens the door and sees a load of crap.

”

And that is how a turd came to be known as a meadow muffin.

Big words explained

• Africanized bees - Killer bees; what happens when man reads the book of Genesis and thinks, "Hey, I can do that too."
• Damsel - Young woman; No, not the little tiny dragonfly.
• Courting - Going to the movies and stuff.
• Ravishing - Seriously babe-like
• Dashing - Hunkalicious
• Presided - To be in charge of; the relationship you think you have with the world.
• Steed - horse
• Harrowing - Gives you the willies
• Lair - pad, turf, or 'hood
• Menacing - Very scary
• Lavish - Tricked out or pimped

Night soil

This looks comfy!!

Night soil, as we all know, is human waste used as fertilizer. In several South American nations, they grow the biggest, juiciest, best tasting vegetables using night soil. Eating these has the insignificant side effect of giving the average American a severe case of dysentery. However, the farmers really don't mind because that simply means more night soil. But that's not the point. There are competing theories as to how poo came to be known as night soil:

Theory 1

According to a report on NPR, in the 1750's under the reign of Marie Antoinette when all the people were starving, a boy named Jack had sold his old hag of a cow to purchase some bean seeds. Jack's mother was infuriated that he would be so stupid. Not for the loss of the half-dead cow with meat so tough that you couldn't cut it with a saw, but because the cow was the only source of fertilizer for the family garden. Now, Jack was an enterprising lad, and so he set his mind to work on how to get some fertilizer for his beans. That night, while sitting on his chamber pot, the answer fell right beneath him. Jack ran to the shed, grabbed a bucket and spent the night stealing the contents of all the chamber pots in the village. At about 3:00 AM, he returned home, threw a shovel of dirt on top to disguise the contents, and hit the sack for a hard-earned couple hours of sleep. In the morning, when his mother saw the bucket, and asked what it was, Jack replied, "Soil from the night." He planted his beans, in the special soil, and the beans grew so large and quick, that a few weeks later, he won a golden egg from Marie Antoinette at the royal fair. No one ever figured out why the royal family was ill for several weeks thereafter. Jack became rich selling his "night soil" to the local populace, who soon developed an immunity to "the great squirt plague of 1751."

Theory 2

Look Maw, no handy rear opening

Fox News disagrees with what they depict as "NPR's obvious rip off of a common children's story." According to them, the term is actually a misspelling of knight soil. Unlike the sailors and their dungarees, medieval armor had no handy opening for the call of nature. However that didn't stop nature from calling with an ever-increasing volume. So these men of valor often had suits that were shiny on the outside, but not the inside. The squires, of course, spent many hours lobbying the blacksmiths for handy openings, but the blacksmiths poo pooed on the idea as blatant feature creep. So the squires ended up cleaning the "knight soil" all the time. Because the kitchen maids refused to let the squires clean the armor in the sinks, they went to the next closest location with a water source, the garden. Of course, the vegetables always grew really well, and some genius finally figured out that it was the "knight soil". Of course, he couldn't read or write, so on his death bed, when he revealed his secret, it was written down incorrectly.

Big words explained

• Dysentery - A bad case of the Hershey squirts that lasts for months and will probably kill you.
• Infuriated - Really really mad; like the judge was at you
• Enterprising - Got off his backside and solved problems
• Depict - Say or tell
• Squire - A knight's side kick
• Feature creep - What computers programmers say when they don't want to do their work

Poo poo, poop, and poo

Poop and poo are just the lazy person's way of saying poo poo. Poo poo, comes from the early 1600's. At that time, if something was below your dignity or you looked down on it, then you poo pooed it. You might have said at the time, "I poo poo on the Duke's ridiculous opinion." This of course meant that you thought the duke had a dumb idea, not that you were planning on dropping your drawers. (Of course, I wouldn't actually have recommended that you say this to the duke, unless you wanted to be looking down the inside of your neck for the 11 seconds it takes a beheaded person to loose consciousness.)

Now, nothing could be more looked down on than a turd...figuratively and literally. (If you are looking up to a turd, there is probably a shower in your near future.) As time progressed, the term poo poo when used as a noun soon took on the meaning of a turd.

Big words explained

• Dignity - Self worth; something that people think they have a lot more of than they actually do.
• Ridiculous - Just plain stupid; sort of like reading an article about dung.
• Figuratively - The world of thoughts and ideas. Things like physically attractive video game players exist only in this world.
• Literally - The world of reality. You should probably visit more often.

S***

A man of many words...but not this one.

This is the profane synonym of the word dung. It is used most often in speech by delinquent miscreants who can't manage to put two brain cells together and come up with anything else. Most of them prefer video game playing and skirt chasing (which are mutually exclusive activities) and wouldn't know what to do with a book if it hit them on the head. So, they would have never come across Benjamin Franklin's famous quote:

“ Anyone who has to resort to profanity does so because he is too stupid to put two brain cells together and come up with anything else. ”

This is related to another of his famous quotes:

“ Anyone who won't wear a helmet has nothing to protect anyway. ”

But I digress.

As much as I hate to, in the spirit of completeness I will trace the origins of this naughty word.

The word comes from the Japanese word shitsurei which means rude. Whenever a Japanese person burps, bumps into someone, or does something else socially unacceptable, they say shitsurei shimashita which means I did a rude. Well, one of the rudest things done in Japan is tachi shonben which means to relieve yourself in public. So, tachi shonben is shitsurei but the lazy English speakers couldn't manage shitsurei so they shortened the word.

Are you happy? My keyboard feels dirty now.

Big words explained

• Synonym - a word that means the same as another word.
• Delinquent miscreants - A bad, bad man.
• Mutually exclusive - Don't go together; like you and a biography of Benjamin Franklin.
• Socially unacceptable - Acting in a way that will get you thrown out of any respectable place.

Stool

Woman singing - Help me if you can, I'm feelin' doo-oo-oo-oown

Stool, or a stool sample is the medical term meaning a big nasty turd doctors poke around in to determine what kind of diseases you have. The term comes from the middle ages when they used to tie witches and scolds to stools or chairs called ducking stools, and give them a nice, refreshing dip in the river. For scolds, the dip usually was meant to demean them and make them feel more humble (somehow I doubt it worked) and was temporary. However, for witches, the idea was to test them to see if they were really a witch. A true witch would never go under the water because water is pure and holy and used for baptism, so a witch would just float on top when dunked. A witch would also use her magical powers to save herself from drowning, so if the girl ended up dead, obviously she was innocent. If she didn't drown, then she was a witch and had to be burned.

The term ducking stool was also called a cucking stool. Cucking comes from the Old English verb kukken which means to crap your nightie. When the women (and especially the teenage girls) were accused of being witches, they were thrown in a wheelbarrow often full of horse dung, hauled to the stream, tied to the stool, and given the opportunity to visit with the fishes. This scared them so badly that they lost control of their bowels, and left a sample on the stool. Sometimes, after the witch was proven innocent, a doctor might be called in to examine the stool sample to see if there were any evil spirits making the "witch" sick. Evil spirits, of course, were expelled naturally by the body in the forms of sneezes and crap. If some demon was vexing the dearly departed, it obviously would now be trapped in the residue on the stool. This is why we have the current term, stool sample.

Big words explained

• Scold - A woman who gripes constantly and gossips about all her neighbors; chances are that you are related or married to one.
• Ducking Stool - It floats like a duck, or maybe a duck floats like a witch.
• Demean - Embarass or shame someone, like every Tuesday when you get a wedgie or swirly.
• Vexing - Making problems for someone; like you do to the community in which you live.
• Dearly departed - Dead; What happens to all gang bangers before they turn 30.

Turd

I can see the resemblance.

The word turd comes from the old Germanic turdam which shares a root with the English word turban. The root, of course means coiled. Now everyone knows that a turban is a coiled cloth used often in South-east Asia and often in Arabia to keep the hair out of a man's eyes. A turd is of course, a coiled bit of fertilizer that attracts flies. The two look similar, so to avoid confusion, Arabian men rarely wear brown turbans.

Big words explained

• Arabia - You know, that place with Aladin and the Genie

See also

• S***load