Eskimo
Scientists speculate these humanoids slay mammoths and Russians, train Orcas, and sleep inside their houses made of snow. Much of the mammoth and Russian watching happens on Sarah Palin's porch. The eskimos have a treaty with her that says as long as they can provide enough moose and Republican meat to the Palin family every year, they are allowed to use her porch as a watch deck. The common diet of fish, seal, fish, caribou, and ramen, means Eskimos have way too much mercury in their blood.
Great Eskimo War of 1862[edit]
Famine and Cocaine addiction among the Eskimos of Alaska starting in the early 1860's drove the once peaceful whale hunters to desperation. Motivated by a need for a constant flow of high grade cocaine and whale blubber, the Eskimos moved inland to Native America. Unfortunately the Eskimos were not familiar with the territorial boundaries of the Native American tribes and after their Caribou ran out of gasoline they found themselves surrounded.
After suffering many casualties from the angry natives, the eskimos receded back to Alaska. After several years of mass reproduction, the Eskimos of Alaska had regained a large population. Only this time, they weren't only hungry for cocaine and food, but for the blood of the Natives that killed their people as well. After conducting plenty of undersea research, the Eskimos devised a plan of attack to take down the now expanding empire of the Native Americans. The Eskimos carefully trained Orca's (these training techniques later developed into the same techniques used by sea world) and rode them down to the southern tip of Mexico (which was New Mexico at the time because it was just a baby country) The Eskimos took advantages of the spring rains that flooded the Nuevo Mexican Rio and rode their orcas up the river to the head of the empire. Unfortunately, time and seasons were not on their side, because as they reached the great New Mexico Largo (lake) the native american weather gods changed the season to winter. Usually this would delight the Eskimo because they love ice and snow, but now the rivers had frozen and the whales and eskimos were stranded. In a desperate act to save their own lives, the Eskimos began climbing the tallest mountain in New Mexico in hopes of signaling santa clause to come rescue them. But it was too late, the Native Americans caught up with the Eskimos and slaughtered them. To this day, that is why the rocks in New Mexico are red. They are saturated in Eskimo Blood. As for the Orcas, they suffered an even worse fate, every orca except for one named willie was caught and sent to the San Diego Sea World where they live out the rest of their lives in a tiny tank as a reminder to the Eskimo tribes that the Great Native Americans were more powerful.
To this day, each year, one boy eskimo and one female eskimo from every nation are placed in the tank where they fight to survive. The last Eskimo alive is sparred and granted a life of riches and luxuries (in the form of whale blubber, polar bear pelts, and a giant igloo that won't melt...