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“I'm sick and tired of these motherfuckin zits on my motherfuckin face!!!”

~ teenage Samuel L. Jackson on zits

“There's a zit on my mothafucking face!!!”

~ more teenage Samuel L. Jackson

“In Soviet Russia, the zits pop you!”

~ Oscar Wilde on zits

In acneology, a zit (pimple in scientifical terminology) is a vast epidermal repository of many disgusting ooziferous secretions that is oft situated by the dozens on the exposed facial surfaces of angst-ridden teens and other generally unpopular people.

History of the Zit[edit]

The first recorded outbreak of zits was meticulously documented by Og the Cave Person in 500,000,000 BC, in a vast series of highly intricate poop paintings detailing the case history of a suspiciously anonymous "friend" of his. Paleoacneologists have only recently determined that Og could not possibly have had enough actual paint immediately available for his colossal works of cavern art, so they theorize he was forced to improvise by dipping his brush into his "friend's" multicolored facial spurtings.

Structure of a Typical Zit[edit]

Artist's conception of the cross-section of a typical zit (from p 137 of the December 1979 issue of Acneology Today).

The standard zit consists of many scaly semi-osmotic membrane]s, which serve to separate the various layers of organic goo.

  • Inner core: browny pus
  • Outer core: tangled strands of fungi swimming in a sea of slimy goopish ooze
  • Lower mantle: liquefied snot and pizza cheese, intermixed with more yellowy pus
  • Upper mantle: petroleum deposits formed by the decay of billions of molecules of Hershey Chocolate
  • Mohorovičić discontinuity: a thin slippery boundary where ultrasound waves and acne medications bounce off harmlessly
  • Crust: the bereaved remains of dead and decayed skin cells, paved with stenchiferous organic waste and waste-by-products and dried flakes of greenish pus
  • Biosphere: a thriving and relatively enlightened civilization of bacterial colonies which utilize dried flakes of yellowy pus for their medium of economic exchange
  • Atmosphere: a poisonous stenchiferous gas of vaporized yellowy pus that slowly seeps out of micropores that interpenetrate the dome-like superstructure

Instability of the Zit[edit]

Due to the uncertainty principle (a trivial corollary of quantum cheddardynamics), all zits are unstable and have a half-life of anywhere from a fraction of a second to several years. Imminent detonation is usually signaled by a tiny blaring Tornado Siren which is inaudible to human ears, prompting the immediate evacuation of well-to-do bacteria to the various surrounding uninfected areas, where they are free to start life and civilization anew. The powerful explosion eventually ruptures the delicate internal layers of the zit to useless shreds, spewing enormous quantities of horrid intermixed gooious ooze all over the place, causing even the most stout-stomached acneologists to collectively go "eeewwwwwww!".

People who are subject to develop zits[edit]

See also[edit]