UnScripts:It's Ok to Lie if it Makes Only You Miserable

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This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

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"Do you, Jacob William Kendal take Elizabeth Monica Clarke to be you’re lawfully wedded wife?"

Fuck, do I? Do I really want to ride on this train wreck? I mean look at her, that flabby bit sticking out of her cleavage like a third tit – and that dress is so unflattering – what the fuck was she thinking – what the fuck am I thinking!? Oh damn it I haven’t answered yet – it’s not as if I’m announcing the winner of American Idol for fucks sake! Although I am sort of gonna lie, is it ok to lie? Probably. It’s ok to lie if it makes only you miserable.

I take a deep breath.

I object!”



Like A Virgin[edit]

First day of my senior year of high school. Another reason to have to visit Dr. Brown every Monday. Hopefully everyone will have forgotten about last year's incident. But even if they did they will remember as soon as they see Mrs. Randall following me around. What am I, autistic? I can just imagine what they're going to say,

"You're in suicide watch!"

I am going to be the school freak! Well, I was already the school freak but now they have a reason.

I spent all morning smoking weed in the bathroom, hoping I won't get caught for truancy. I hear the lunch bell, relieved cause I was starting to get the munchies. I slowly walk to the cafeteria. On my way there I see John Hubbert, the most popular guy in school. He approaches me with his friends.

"Hey, freak." he says raising his fist.

I started running as fast as I could throughout the school and after running almost a mile I went inside a door. I heard them laughing among my deep breathing and knew I had done something stupid. I looked around. This was the boy's locker room, but there was no one. I heard a funny sound and walked to the source. There was a girl seating in one of the benches. She was wearing nothing but a bra, and I really mean nothing. She didn't notice me at first because she was too busy putting her finger in her, uh, vagina!?!

She was masturbating! She turned around and saw me. She stopped masturbating and approached me with a look in her face I've only seen before in lesbian porn. She grabbed my head and pushed it against her, uh, breast. I felt nauseous and fell to the floor. She threw something at my face that kept me from seeing what was going on and made me even more nauseous. It was her bra! After that I just kept hearing moaning, (most of it from me). I was unable to get the bra off my face because she was holding down my hands so tightly I thought my hands were going to fall off. She took the bra off my face and put her breast against my face like before, except this time she was wearing no bra! I threw up and passed out.

I woke up in the nurse's office. I looked around and saw this guy that smiled at me when I saw him. I smiled back to be nice. He then turned around and when I saw the other side of his head I noticed there was a pencil shoved into his left eyeball. I turned around feeling like I was going to throw up again. Some girls came in giggling. They were cheerleaders.

"Look Sissi, your boyfriend is back up." one of them said.

I did it with Sissi Clarke? She was the school whore and the only cheerleader that wasn't anorexic. But the bad part was that she was John Hubbert's girlfriend!

"What about John?" I asked.

"Oh, don't worry about him. He got expelled for cutting off the index finger in your left hand." she said calmly.

"What!" I looked under the covers and looked at my left hand. It was fine.

"Ooops, I meant your right hand."

I looked at my right hand. My index finger was missing.

"When did this happen?" I said pissed.

"While you were unconscious and the nurse was sleep because she was smoking the weed she found in your pocket, but can you really blame him? I mean after watching that video..."

"What video?" I asked suddenly.

"My friends were filming me with their phones when I was masturbating and kept filming after you got there." she explained.

Of course! Each week Sissi released a sex tape with John or a video of her masturbating through the school website that could be downloaded for $5.

Me and Sissi began dating and from that point on life started to look pretty good. For about a month.

After dating for a few weeks, Sissi invited me to meet her parents. They lived in a huge house. It was modeled after the Playboy Mansion. It was very fancy. There were pools and lots of female servants wearing pink bunny ears in their heads. Their uniforms looked a little tight but they showed no discomfort. Her stepdad was old and hairy. Her mom looked latino and wore the same uniform as the servants. She died her hair blonde and looked kind of like what you'd expect a MILF to look like. I never really got to talk with her mom though because she kept going back and forth serving us cocktails but I did get to talk to her dad. He seemed pretty nice. During dinner Sissi's phone ranged and her dad asked one of the servants to get it for her. As soon as the servants saw the cell phone's screen they started giggling. Mr. Clarke asked them to pass it to him. He pressed a button and I knew what he was watching. Man, do I really moan like that? I sounded like a girl in a bondage movie. He smiled at the beginning, obviously entertained. Then I heard a high-pitched "Eeeeeuuu!" from the phone and knew what part he was watching. He slammed the phone in the table. He stared angry at me breathing heavily. Thinking back he kind of looked like a monkey, a gorilla to be exact.

The rain was washing the blood off my face. Sissi's dad punched hard. Still I managed to get back at him through Sissi, (apparently those manicures really sharpen up nails). I felt really tired and frustrated. We needed to find a place to sleep. We went to a hotel. Sissi was well known there and several male, (and a few female), employees kept reminding her of "that other night". I had few money left so I decided to waste it on something important: wine.

It was only when I woke up when I realized how much trouble I was in.

"We need to talk" I said slowly.

"I know," she said calmly, "When is it going to be?"

"What?" I said dumbstruck.

"The wedding, you silly." She said as if talking to a child. "Remember, you asked me to marry you yesterday."


You might be thinking this isn't as bad as it seems but there is just one problem I haven't told you about.

Tainted Love[edit]

We go back a long time to my junior year in high school. It is the first dance of the year and as always I am alone. The only reason I come is to get away from my alcoholic parents. What was so frustrating was seeing Debbie, (the only person I asked), with Brad. Brad was nothing but a stuck-up football player and John Hubbert's best friend. The first thing Debbie started doing is criticizing every other girls' dresses. Her own dress wasn't all that, it was only the smallest and tightest. She was specially making fun of Lizz' dress. Lizz is what they used to call Sissi before her mom got remarried. Lizz' mom had made it for her and it wasn't the best I had ever seen if you know what I mean. Maybe if she had used a different fabric instead of the fabric from her curtains... The problem with Lizz was that her father had died and her mother was unemployed. I never got how her mother made money. She would just stand in the street, a car would pick her up, then about an hour later she'd get out with a bunch of cash in her hand. Many different cars would pick her up, but the most common one was Mr. Clarke's, her future husband.

Everything is going as usual in the dance. I start getting bored just sitting down, so I go to the bathroom and open up some beer bottles that my mom had given me earlier for lunch when asked her what I should take. Suddenly I see Brad come in. There's a huge stain in his white shirt. He looks at me and then at the beers and he smiles.

"What happened?" I ask him trying to care.

"Debbie is a bitch." He says as he sits down in the floor next tome and grabs a beer.

"Not there!" I say, looking at the yellow puddle next to me.

"Why? What is this?" he asks already sitting down.

"Beer... yeah just beer." I lie.

After drinking half a beer bottle, he starts talking to me. I keep drinking and don't listen to what he is saying much less speak to him, (after every couple of gulps of beer I would say hmmm or something like that). My vision began turning extremely blurry. From the little I was able to make out, he was getting closer to me. Soon everything went all black.

When I woke up I noticed three things. One, I was naked. Two, the janitor was staring at us and apparently had been doing so for a while. And three, his hand was grabbing his minuscule penis. I looked down and saw Brad sleeping. He was naked too. I, realizing what the sick janitor was doing, threw a beer bottle at him.

I went into the room. Apparently John and his gang had also gotten a detention. Sitting next to him was Brad. Nobody at school knew of what had happened between Brad and me, and the only other person that knew was in the hospital getting glass bits out of his eyes.

The person in charge of the detention room got a call and left the room briefly. John and his gang started approaching. Brad did too after John told him too, although he was slow to. Seeing John raising his fist I did the only thing I could. I started running. I got to the second floor and realized they were right behind me. Looking around for a chance of survival, I saw a window. John grabbed me by my shirt. So I took it off. Realizing it was my only chance, I jumped off the window. Underneath lay the cheerleader practice. I landed on top of Debbie.

I was suspended for the rest of the school year, and when I caught up with what had happenned I found out Brad had dropped out.

Sweet Child o' Mine[edit]

"So..." I heard Sissi say.

"So what?" I say, almost angry.

"You haven't answered my question." She said, getting bitchy. "When are we going to get married? We have to get married sooner or later."

"I'd prefer the latter." I said, leaving before she could say anything else.

I went to the bar next to the hotel. Soon enough I found myself to be out of cash. I really needed some more alcohol to relax myself. On my way back to the room I saw an old lady leave her room but forget to lock it. Looking to see if there's anyone around I sneak into the room and head to the bathroom. I look in the cabinet and find lots of different pills. After consuming all, I notice a tingly feeling in my pants. I look at the pills. They were viagra. The old lady enters the bathroom. She has a gun in her hand. We start wrestling for the gun. It goes off and almost hits my ear. For safety I grab her from her back and start pushing her against the wall until I get control of the gun. Suddenly I notice that all this time a cop has been watching. I throw the woman off and stand still. The cop looks at the gun in my hand and then at the oddity in my pants.

"You're sick!" he screams.

"I didn't do anything!" I try to persuade him but he continues to believe I was sexually abusing that woman. Suddenly, the pills start getting to me and I fall down head first into the woman's dress.

I spend the rest of the night in jail. As much sleep pills as I took I wasn't able to fall sleep. The people on the cell in front of mine kept making noise.

"Quiet down!" I scream. Slowly, an skelitical figure comes out of the shadows. Its black eyes were blood thirsty and contrasted against its white skin and blood red lips... Wait, that isn't blood, that's lipstick. That's Michael Jackson!

"He's in here for molesting a child." says the cop that detained me in the hotel. His face seems oddly familiar.

"Do I know you?" I ask him.

"Jake! You remember me?" Brad says slowly, tears gathering in his eyes.

"OMG!" I hear the familiar high-piched voice that was starting to annoy me so much.

"Hey, Sissi" I say trying to sound happy at the sight of her.

"Who are you?" Brad asks, (he wasn't as good as me at hiding the annoyance he felt at her).

"I am his fiancee." Sissi says as it it was something to be proud of.

"Actually, Sissi, I was thinking..."

"OMG! I forgot to tel you!" She interrupts me. "I'm pregnant!"

"Well, congratulations!" I say trying to sound optimistic. "Who's the daddy?"

"You! I'm pregnant with your son!"


White Wedding[edit]

"Are you sure that is my child?" I abruptly blurt out.

"Jake..." Sissi says. "Don't interrupt Ms. Jones."

"It's alright, I hear these things all the time in my line of work." Ms. Jones explains. Ms. Jones was our wedding planner. "I've planned several weddings and one day I will plan my own wedding."

I really doubted it, considering that chest of a 12-year-old of hers.