UnNews:Uncyclopedia declares "funny war" against ISIS
| Where man always bites dog | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 20:11:59 (UTC) |
| Uncyclopedia declares "funny war" against ISIS | 
|
17 November 2015
WIKIA CITY, California -- Alleged comedy website Uncyclopedia announced today that it is declaring war against ISIS.
Active Admins stated, "Uncyclopedians from all over the world will hunt you down. You should know that we will find you and we will not let you go. We will launch the biggest operation ever against you.
"And funny," the declaration continued. "Did we mention funny? It will be the funniest operation ever. Big, and funny."
The declaration appears to be modeled after a similar declaration from mysterious hacker group Anonymous, which vowed to defeat the Middle East jihadists simply by doing what they do best: prank websites, conduct penetrations of vulnerable locations using coverings called Trojans, and go phishing for account numbers and passwords. The "hacktivists" made a similar declaration after last January's massacre at Charlie Hebdo, which actually did not go very far at preventing last Friday's murder of 130 concert-goers, also in Paris.
The post states that Uncyclopedia plans to make jihadists "laugh to death." However, security analysts say this is unlikely, given the website's notorious list-heavy articles that specialize in being tedious imitations "in the style of" their subject and are peppered with lame wisecracks about pedophilia and anal sex.
Other institutions joined the effort to defeat the terrorists by simply performing their daily rituals a bit more obsessively. Encyclopedia Dramatica announced that each member would author a one-million-character page of complete gibberish. James Taylor announced another concert of sappy folk music like the one he put on after the Charlie Hebdo incident that likewise did nothing to prevent the current incident. Sam Mitchell stated that the Minnesota Timberwolves would henceforth defeat the Hun by "playing some really solid basketball." Michelle Obama declared that she intended to set up numerous #HashTags until the U.S. wins the war and reclaims Iraq and Syria so as to be able to pull its troops out again, and John Kerry promised to redouble his bloviating about global warming as a national-defense threat that led to the formation of ISIS. The top U.S. diplomat stated that gunning down cartoonists had a "legitimacy," but Friday's massacre of concert fans of an American Death Metal band was completely outré.
Meanwhile, Oprah Winfrey and Michael Moore each declared that they will consume 4000 additional calories every day until they become large enough to "roll over" the marauding jihadi army.
Sources[edit]
- Anna Dubuis "Anonymous declares war on Islamic State after Paris attacks in chilling video: 'We will hunt you down'". UK Daily Mirror, November 16, 2015
- Stephanie Condon "Kerry: Charlie Hebdo attack had 'rationale' behind it". CBS, November 17, 2015