UnNews:Three new planets named; Bush asked to name them all.

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 18:17:59 (UTC)
Three new planets named; Bush asked to name them all. UnNews Logo Potato.png

16 August 2006


(audio) UnNews Audio (file info)
Listen to this story!
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
The Solar System could be in for an expansion of cosmic proportions.

PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC: The number of planets around the Sun could rise from nine to 12 - with more on the way - if experts approve a radical, heretical, and downright treasonous new vision of our Solar System. An endorsement by astrologers meeting in Prague would require school and university textbooks to be rewritten and professors to develop an even more outrageously liberal bias. The proposal recognises eight old-skool gas giant n' terrestrial planets (including Uranus), three planets belonging to a new category called "plutons" and the largest asteroid Ceres, home to a space-slug known to eat spaceships. Pluto remains a planet, but becomes the basis for the new "ghetto" category, which will be roughly equivalent to baseball's minor leagues in the sport of revolving around the Sun. The plan has been drawn up by the International Astrological Union (IAU) with the aim of settling the question of what does and does not count determine how many times an Aquarius will have sex each week when Scorpio is in the house of Mars.

"For the first time in more than 75 years, we will be able to discover new planets in our Solar System. This is a fascinating prospect," said Auntie Tulula, a Haitian voodoo witch and member of the IAU planet definition committee which put together the proposal. ". Think about it: We now have exactly one planet per zodiac animal. We don't have to assign certain people to non-planet celestial bodies such as the sun and moon anymore. This will make conning people much easier."

But the solution was not popular with all experts. Marco the Magnificent, host of "The Magnificent Marco's Magic Show" in Reno, Nevada told UnNews: "The public are very clear about what they understand by 'planets'. Those are the big, dominant bodies in the Solar System that we're all familiar with, the eight - or nine if you include Pluto. I think including more is going to add confusion to the public, but not really be particularly useful for astrologers. It will, however, make conning the public much easier."

Oscar Wilde, the most perfect of God's creations.

Experts have been divided over whether Pluto - further away and considerably smaller than the eight other planets in our Solar System - deserves the title. Since the early 1990s, astronomers have found several other objects of comparable size to Pluto in an outer region of the Solar System called the Kuiper Belt, causing astrologers to modify their precise, not-for-profit formulas for predicting the future. Until recently, Pluto was still the biggest known object in the Kuiper Belt. However, that all changed with the discovery of Oscar Wilde by none other than Oscar Wilde himself in 2003.

The IAU draft resolution recognises eight "old-skool" planets - Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune - three "ghettoz" - Pluto, Ariel Sharon and Oscar Wilde - and the asteroid Ceres. Sharon is currently described as a man in Israel, but because of his size, girth, and inability to do anything but kill Arabs, some experts consider him to be a planet in a twin orbit with Pluto. In addition, the planets assigned to each zodiac animal have been rearranged. In this new, more scientific conception, Arians are protected by Mercury, Taurians by Venus, and so on.

Bill O'Reilly of FoxNews said: "Something had to be done about the definition. It does change the textbooks somewhat, but it also demonstrates that this is a vibrant area of research, and that the well-established science of astrology is not junk science like evolution or the geology. The surprise is Ceres, because most people thought of it as a lie perpetuated by the America-hating liberal left and their Jew-Masonic media corporations." Ceres is the largest object in the asteroid belt and, like your mom, is round in shape

"This a step backward," said Michael Moore, a filmmaker in Hollywood, California. "It's a demotion of the word 'planet' and democracy itself brought about by cronyism and lies." The Liberal researcher, who believes there are only eight true planets and Bush is an "asshole," said the term would lose its prestige under the proposed definition because anything round of a certain size could join the club. "Myself and the vast majority of Americans aren't going to have to worry about learning the planets anymore because it's a list that doesn't mean anything, just like President Bush's promises to our troops. This November, we will make him pay for endorsing a twelve-planet list, the war in iRaq, Guantanamo Bay, and not giving Osama that Mokey doll."

In light of this news, President Bush today attempted on live TV to recite the names of all twelve of our Solar System's planets. He proceeded thusly, "Well, ya got Mirkury, then Penis, then good ol' Earth, land o' freedom, then Mars (where I jest sent 'em robots), that Cereal thing or whatever, then Jew, Peter and Satan, followed by Your Anus, Negroponte, Plutarch, Sharon, and then, that one Irish guy." Getting two out of the twelve planets right, he then became the American who knows the names of the most planets and promptly awarded himself the "The Presidential Learnin' Medal for Readin' Good and Whatnot."

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Three_new_planets_named;_Bush_asked_to_name_them_all.&oldid=4286756"