UnNews:Sulu discovers new life form

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4 July 2015

Mr. Sulu worked his way through the ranks, from an easily hypnotized extra to the captain of a Constellation-class starship in his own right, and is thus ideal to decide who is black and who is not.

HOLLYWOOD -- The actor who portrayed Mr. Sulu has discovered a new, alien life form.

Mr. Sulu's discovery came after the U.S. Supreme Court, in Obergefell v. Hodges, ruled that, if a gay American decides not to qualify for the prerequisites for marriage, the government has a duty to certify the next closest thing he does and call it marriage.

Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote that gays have a right to "dignity" that must be balanced against the ones that are actually in the U.S. Constitution, such as a restricted central government. Mr. Kennedy's long career on the bench coincides with an era in which starships like that of Mr. Sulu abandoned the search for "intelligent" life in the stars and settled for "sentient" life.

Mr. Sulu took on a dissent by Justice Clarence Thomas, and concluded that Mr. Thomas was not a legitimate African American but a "clown in blackface." Mr. Sulu said that Mr. Thomas's opinion endorses slavery in the antebellum Southern United States and interning of Japanese during World War II, though its text says the exact opposite.

Mr. Sulu said his credentials to determine who is and isn't a bona fide member of the black race are beyond dispute. "Captain Kirk and I have made First Contact with no fewer than twelve alien species," he said. "The discovery of a fake black man will be my first, acting alone."

Mr. Sulu, notorious as a Gay-American, claimed to be speaking for everyone in his class, and for all Japanese-Americans — who are minorities but are not favored minorities because they seem to be exceptions to the rule that minorities flunk out of school and earn crappy salaries because white folks conspire to ruin them — and also for all Hollywood actors irreparably typecast into a single, dumb television role. As Mr. Sulu is a triple minority, that means his remarks would not be racist though the remarks of Mr. Thomas, who is not even an authentic Negro, would be.

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Mr. Spock, who is also a minority (Vulcan-American) and is a one-man First Contact in his own right, was not available for comment, as barring relaunches or uses of deus ex machina, he left his mortal coil earlier this year.

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The decision is likely to have wide-ranging effects. Already the Amish, who renounce Internal Combustion, have sued, claiming a Constitutional right to horse-and-buggy lanes on the Interstate 80 expressway through Western Pennsylvania. And the Democratic Party, armed with the ruling that gay people are only doing something the Supreme Court officially endorses, say gays have rights that must be set against free speech, which would actually make it legal to prosecute, imprison, and drive out of business any caterers who don't "do" gays.

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