UnNews:Brady wins at US Supreme Court

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27 June 2015

The Supreme Court issued one of its limpest opinions ever.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady took his case to the U.S. Supreme Court, where he got a stunning reversal.

The Court sided with Brady, in an opinion written by Chief Justice John Roberts. Rule 2-1 of the National Football League, which requires the football to contain "an inflated (12½ - 13½ pounds) rubber bladder," is text that Roberts said "is properly viewed as ambiguous." He noted that Rule 2-1 was passed under unusual circumstances — with Brady and Peyton Manning lobbying the NFL Rules Committee in 2006 to let them look their best by throwing any object of their choice smaller than a toaster. Roberts said the Court should do its best to try to help the rules hang together despite their own inscrutability, and circumstantial evidence, referee apathy, shamelessly careless treatment of inspected game equipment, and Brady's own notorious failure to cooperate or even acknowledge his year-old blog post that "everyone knows I like my balls soft." Roberts said the Court must not obsess about things like the actual wording.

Commissioner Roger Goodell had suspended Brady for 4 games for conspiring to sneak a doctored game ball (pictured) into a playoff game, or else for not giving up his cellphone.

The ruling parallels the one on Obama-care, in which the Court considered a part of the law meant to coerce states to help implement the law by threatening to deny money to their citizens. They didn't, Obama didn't, and Roberts gave the text of the law short shrift in deference to another well-known legal principle, sine sanguine, poenae non ediderit, or "No blood, no foul."

The Court went on to issue a ruling on marriage that was even gayer, Roberts this time writing a dissent that chided the Court not to set policy but just to do its job and study the law and the Constitution. But that irony is for another day.

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The most strident opposing opinion came from Justice Clarence Thomas. "Though both my parents are black, I have always identified as white. I believe I am a white person. And I warn anyone who is a denier of my whiteness that it might be micro-aggression, from which I will need a trigger zone."

The opposition Republican Party, which in 2014 won its largest majorities in Congress since the Late Mesozoic era promising to repeal Obama's plan to give everyone free stuff and replace it with a Republican plan to give everyone free stuff, hastily convened hand-wringing parties in the Nation's Capital.