UnNews:Robber says he has too much time on his hands
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:10:59 (UTC) |
| Robber says he has too much time on his hands | 
|
4 July 2012
MIAMI, FL – Eighteen-year-old Quartavious Davis is wondering “what the hell hit me.” He feels “dead,” he says, as he seeks to recover from the 169-year prison sentence a Florida judge who is fed up with crime imposed upon the junior miscreant. “All I did,” Davis said, “was commit arm robbery seven time, and dis bozo give me more than a century and a haff behine bars? Why? Because I'm black?”
Davis' attorneys gave as many defenses of their client as they could dream up, explaining why Davis couldn't help but hold a loaded revolver against the heads of the store clerks and others whom he robbed at gunpoint.
“He's bipolar,” one of Davis' mouthpieces said.
“He's a first offender,” another defense attorney observed.
“He's never been charged before. Is it his fault that the first time he is charged it's with seven heists?”
“He's a high school dropout,” a third attorney pointed out. “He can't get a job, because he can't read, write, or do math. How is that his fault?”
“He's the victim of a double whammy,” a fourth lawyer claimed. “He's both a young black male—with dreadlocks, no less—and he's black. Being black alone is enough, in the racist South, to get a person a 10- to 20-year sentence.”
A fifth lawyer believes that Davis “was inadequately represented by counsel.”
A sixth member of the defense team claims that “Our client has a learning disability, which explains everything.”
For his own part, the convicted serial robber says, “It's unfair,” adding, “I want my momma!”
During the commission of one of his crimes, Davis discharged a handgun at a dog that, in the company of the robber's victims, who were attempting to chase him down, was pursuing the perpetrator. As a result, an additional year has been added to Davis' sentence for “cruelty to animals.”
“They be more concern bout that damn dog than the be concern bout me,” Davis charged.
Davis' favorite targets were fast-food restaurants. “I love dem French fry and shakes,” the teen admitted. Then, grinning broadly and showing a gold front tooth, he added, “Here a joke: A dude see a hot chick jogging by, and he say, 'Hey, baby, can I get a burger wid dat shake? H, ha! Get it? Can I get a burger wid dat shake, cuz her boobies and her ass be shaking while she be jogging. Dat why I likes fast-food places; they good for a dirty joke once in a while, along wid they fry.”
Davis also robbed a Walgreen's pharmacy (“cuz my stash of drugs be running low”) and a liquor store (“cuz my stash of alcohol be running low”). He made only $674 per month in Welfare, his lawyers say, and, on that meager an income, he wasn't able to purchase as many drugs or as much alcohol as he was accustomed to buying. “What else could he have done?” his defense team demanded.
His accomplices “ratted me out,” Davis said, “after I was identify as the ringleader and they was allowed to cop a plea wid the D. A. Ain't nobuddy offer me no damn deal. Instead, I gets 169 freaking years!”
The public's reactions to Davis' sentence have ranged from wholehearted agreement to perfect concurrence.
“He deserves it,” Sandy Smith said. “He may have been a first offender, but how many times did he rob people without getting caught?”
“Maybe he should have applied for a job at one of the fast-food places he likes so much,” Wendy McDonald suggested. “Then, he wouldn't need to worry about becoming Big Bruce's girlfriend in the Big House.”
“He said his punishment isn't right. How about his sticking guns in people's faces and shooting a dog? Maybe that's 'not right,' either,” Bill Johnson suggested.
Davis will be eligible for parole in—well, never. However, President Barack Obama, who is also black African-American, vows to pardon Davis at the end of his term, either in 2012 or in 2016, depending upon whether he wins re-election. He said he would ask for Davis' vote, but felons are not allowed by law to vote "until we change that."
Meantime, Unnews hears the food isn't all that bad, and he gets three hots and a cot, courtesy of the good people of Florida, which is more than he ever gave them.