UnNews:N. Korea eats, shoots, and leaves
| A newsstand that's brimming with issues | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Tuesday, December 3, 2024, 17:29:59 (UTC) |
| N. Korea eats, shoots, and leaves | 
|
2 August 2017
UIJONGBU, South Korea -- After a surprise North Korean ICBM launch at night and from an unexpected location, tensions rose to a fever pitch on the Korean peninsula.
In response, the US sold South Korea an emergency $3.7 billion missile defense package based around the Patriot missile system. During the Persian Gulf War, newculer weapons expert and President George Dubya Bush announced that it had a 97% success rate against Iraqi SCUDs: "42 SCUDs engaged, 41 intercepted". It was later found that he had been referring to White House party crashers – scuzzes, not SCUDs. The intercept rate of Patriot missiles was actually somewhere between 10% and 0% if the "horseshoes and hand grenades" accounting method was used.
When questioned about this figure yesterday, spokesperson for defense contractor Lockheed, Duke Niukham, reminded reporters that for every 4 Patriots launched, a SCUD hit the ground, "sometimes really, really hard". He also noted that no SCUDs were ever to be taken prisoner, then or now. When pressed further, he invoked national security and the need to go to the bathroom.
On his return, Niukham was able to give some technical details about the anti-missile system. "You probably know about the Navy using dolphins for military defensive purposes. We have a radar system also using specially-trained animals appropriate to the job." He also noted that missiles needed to be launched from mine shafts due to the heat signature given off at launch. "The deal was if they bought the Patriot system, we would give them the shaft. We made sure we sold them every Patriot missile we had."
China News Agency reported a burning smell coming from North Korea in the middle of the night. Initial reports blamed reverse meteors or a possible attack by Japanese stooge Gamera, Friend of Children. People’s Army researchers determined that the ICBM was only deflected from hitting northern China by bad qi (Chinese: 气) given off by Falun Gong adherents.
North Korea is dangerously close to the brink of war. Fearless Leader Kim Jong-un railed on in a 2-hour speech about how close the missile had landed near North Korea, and how this was a provocation that could not be ignored. He also castigated his nemesis, Bizarro Kim Jong-un. The military was then ordered to full alert against itself. Unable to mass at any border, planners decided that the military should assemble in the exact center of the country. "We'll show us who's boss. We will never let ourselves be pushed around by us", said 84-star General Choe Yong-gon. Minutes later, it was reported that the general shot himself while attempting to escape arrest by himself.
Because of the danger, the entire North Korean civilian population has been evacuated to the iceberg that detached recently from Antarctica. In reports smuggled out by penguins, the new Korean residents are complaining that "it’s too hot here, not like North Korea" and that the penguins "don't make good kimchi like my mother does".
Sources[edit]
- Steve Mollman "The surprise location of North Korea’s latest missile test is making the US and China nervous". Quartz, August 2, 2017