UnNews:Lynch calls a spade a spade

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Thursday, November 21, 2024, 12:32:59 (UTC)

Lynch calls a spade a spade UnNews Logo Potato.png

16 May 2015

This is a file photo of Attorney General Loretta, in her fatigues.

BOSTON, Massachusetts -- As jurors here sentenced Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev to death, new African American Female Attorney General Loretta Lynch stunned the nation by referring to his act of terrorism as an act of terrorism.

"Dzhokhar Tsarnaev coldly and callously perpetrated a terrorist attack that injured hundreds and took the lives of three individuals," Lynch wrote, on official Department of Justice letterhead. She went on to call the horrific attack horrific, and said the death penalty was "fitting punishment."

Notably, she failed to describe the attack as a tragedy, a regrettable lack of communication on the part of the hundreds of bystanders, a failure of American society to reach out to the murderer, or a rationale to double spending on social work. She did not describe it as a "lone wolf" attack unrelated to the rest of Islam, nor even as "workplace violence" justifying more federal controls on employers.

No one in Washington, D.C. knew how to respond to such blunt talk from the nation's top law enforcement officer, who was confirmed after a drumbeat of anecdotes of racist white police killing unarmed black youths with full lives ahead of them after a brief phase trying to wrestle away an officer's service weapon. However, Republicans, who delayed Ms. Lynch's nomination for five months to claim to have given President Obama some opposition, summoned their best frowns. House Speaker John Boehner said, "When an Attorney General fails to beat around the bush, well, that threatens all of us."

His Democratic Party counterpart, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, in her "safe space" near the House cloakroom, complained that no one had given her a "trigger warning" before the unpleasant frankness. Glenn Beck was off the air and The Blaze TV had nothing but a test pattern.

Commentators taping the Sunday morning talk shows predicted a groundswell of reaction that Ms. Lynch is "not really black," but none has been forthcoming. Not even Kanye West has accused anyone of "not caring about black people" all week, except of course Ted Cruz. Ms. Lynch's boss, Mr. Obama, was out on the golf links and had no comment.

Sources[edit]