UnNews:Cruz and Kasich connive jointly

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25 April 2016

A halo forms around the head of candidate Ted Cruz in Indiana as God learns that his campaign has made a deal with the Devil — the latest Republican elected as an evangelical to "reach across the aisle."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Presidential campaigns of Ted Cruz and John Kasich both issued statements Sunday night that they will try to lose state elections just to spite Donald Trump.

Cruz will plan to lose in Oregon and New Mexico, while Kasich will engineer a defeat in Indiana. Neither campaign mentioned the many Northeastern states that vote on Tuesday, where both are certain to lose even without coordinating.

The goal is to deny Trump a 1,237-vote majority on the first ballot at the convention this July in Cleveland. That would open the door for wheeling, dealing, back-stabbing, and treachery, the fields at which Republicans perform best. Already, Paul Ryan, Mitt Romney, John McCain, and the late Richard Nixon have loudly denied that they are waiting in the wings to become the perfect "compromise candidate" to appeal to Republicans who hope the Party can revert to compromise after its recent record of abject surrender.

A similar gambit occurred on March 15, when Marco Rubio agreed to take a dive in Ohio (which worked) and Kasich winked that he would "mail it in" in Florida (which didn't). The strategy will play well in Massachusetts, where voters can tolerate a loss by the Red Sox any day the Yankees lose their game worse with a season-ending injury. However, they already voted on March 1.

And no one (who is under eighty) can forget right-wing Ronald Reagan's deal with left-wing Senator Richard Schweiker in 1976, an improbable alliance that put Reagan in the White House, a short four years later. It is sure to inspire talk of politics making strange bedfellows, though the current issue is strange rest-room companions, the latest topic that, the morning after, Trump has declared "is best left up to the states."

Kasich has carped about the name-calling of the campaign, while "Lyin' Ted" has insisted that everyone "fight on the field of ideas," while he fights in the smoke-filled rooms, wooing Republican insiders horrified that nouveau-riche Trump is already on the Back Nine without ever having met the Membership Committee. With their coordinated press releases, both Cruz and Kasich have now conceded that voters don't care about actual issues but merely want a bruising bout of negativity solely to make something bad happen to a third party — perhaps the Party's best strategy in the general election against Hillary Clinton, assuming she continues to avoid arrest and fingerprinting.