UnNews:China goes braless

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We have met the enemy, and he is us UnNews Tuesday, June 18, 2024, 18:40:59 (UTC)

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1 October 2007

Lucy Liu, looking sexy (sort of) despite bralessness

BEIJING - Days after banning sex, the Chinese government has outlawed televised commercials for brassieres and has ordered Chinese women to go braless. Advertisements of “flattering underwear for women” has also been prohibited. The hit list also includes bustiers, negligees, bikinis, hot pants, halter tops, mini-skirts, girdles, pantyhose, panties, and any garment that manufacturers describe as “form-fitting,” “skin-tight,” or “figure-enhancing.”

Chang Chou Chin, a self-described girl watcher” and critic of the State Administration of Radio, Film and Television’s recent decisions to outlaw sex and, now, sexy clothing, told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies that his nation’s leaders, “if one can call them that, are sending mixed signals to the people--especially the men people.” Not allowing adults to have sex or “other adult fun while mandating that women go braless and without underwear, he says, is confusing and frustrating for all involved.

“Eventually, the bastards want our women in burqas,” he charged.

Enigmatically, the Administration’s head regulator, Tian Jin, responded to Chin’s criticism by saying, "Every television advertisement management bureau and television station must strengthen their political consciousness and responsibility toward society.” He also reminded Chin that the government’s police and military organizations “know where you live; you could disappear any time, and then the government’s prohibitions would not bother you at all.”

The Administration also announced plans to curtail sex-change, plastic surgery, and sex toys advertising and has banned beauty contests.

Chinese women are reportedly “upset” by the government’s banning of bras. “I am a large woman,” Ming Ling said, hoisting her size 38-DDD breasts in her cupped hands. “I sag without proper support, and the cold causes my nipples to stiffen and swell. Without a bra, the erections are impossible to conceal. I don’t want to have to bounce and sway my way through Beijing’s streets like a cow needing to be milked.”

Told of Ling’s plight, Jin suggested “breast-reduction surgery.”

The well-endowed--some would say “bovine”--woman sneered at the regulator’s suggestion. “Plastic surgery has been banned,” she reminded him.

However, Jin said that such surgery is still permitted in the interest of reducing “social pollution” such as results from her “huge hooters.”

At present, the only legal sexual activity is masturbation, but, Jin assured the nation, “self-pollution” is next on the Administration’s agenda. “We want a sexless society,” he said.