UnNews:Boehner gone, nation relieved

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25 September 2015

The Speaker, shown just after a particularly sloppy kiss with the Pope.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The abrupt disappearance of U.S. House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) was greeted by whoops, whistles, and high-fives by constituents who had gathered in the Capitol today.

Presidential candidate Marco Rubio who...well, he is a Latino...announced the move in a speech originally dedicated to announcing the handover of Florida to United Nations control. However, when he made the Boehner announcement, the crowd displayed unexpected enthusiasm.

As Boehner himself explained it, he started the day like any other: going to Starbucks for a latte, then to Ten Minute Tanning for one of their Double Oranges, then spontaneously tossing his entire political career into the dustbin of history. It had nothing to do with having so many in his party spoiling for a government shutdown that he was back to whoring for Democrat votes to pass a Republican budget, which would supercharge attempts to unseat him. Rather, like any textbook suicide, it was merely done on a whim.

Boehner said that a budget battle would do "irreparable harm" to the institution of Congress, which is not equipped to deal with disagreements. Boehner had spent years avoiding the irreparable harm of disagreements with President Obama even after Americans twice voted for that exact thing. However, rather than agree to stay in Washington and give his party the benefit of his expertise, Boehner, like Lucy taking her football home after the kids in Peanuts won't let her be quarterback, declared he was leaving the comic strip entirely.

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Planned Parenthood gets pranked

Putting a damper on the celebrations was speculation on his successor; and the fact that, to quote the name of the Republican re-election DVD, We're all Bozos on this bus.

The news about Boehner knocked the papal visit off the nation's front pages, which is not a bad thing, as the pontiff had either forgotten he is Catholic or given absolution to all sinners, instead spending the entire morning nagging America about everything from global warming to manifest destiny. Boehner was moved to tears when he recounted a touching personal meeting with the Pope — during an Availability where he said his retirement would assure a spending bill that fully funds Planned Parenthood.

The antsy crowd had despaired of hearing anything exciting, unless Rubio were to "pull a Scott Walker" and exit the crowded field in favor of candidates who can't win and candidates for whom it won't matter if they do. Happily, the crowd got red meat, this after iconoclast Donald Trump yesterday burned his last bridge to a television network, vowing never again to do interviews on Fox News after Rich Lowry said Carly Fiorina had "cut [Trump's] balls off" and stuffed them in his mouth in last week's debate, a low blow to a man who has never resorted to physical humor himself.

Boehner's disappearence becomes the most memorable feat of five years in the Speakership, it being his only memorable feat, unless you count the Sequester, the historic deal to slightly reduce spending on imperialism in exchange for slight reductions in spending on layabouts and illegals. The agreement temporarily gave Republicans a governing theme: trying to renege on their end of it.