Thereof

Thereof is a word in the English language, although probably not one you've heard before. Believed to be some sort of adverb, or perhaps a noun, it has often been considered a social misfit. Thereof himself blames this on an unhappy childhood.

Uses

Thereof is a word; as such it is usually spoken or written, though alternative methods of communication do exist, such as Morse Code, Telepathy, and communicating through "click" sounds. It is unclear whether Braille counts as reading and writing, French, a different method of communication, or some combination thereof.

Uses in normal everyday conversation

None. See also Uses in magazines.

Uses in legal documents

Oh yeah, big time. Thereof appears in a lot of laws and things like that; basically, any word with more than 5 letters is a shoe-in for all these legal things. Lawmakers love it because it makes them sound classy, lawyers love it because (see lawyer jokes here), and it is basically used to its full extent by intellectuals, politicians, politicals, acquaintances thereof, and people who are sufficiently stupid that they need to make themselves appear clever in order to be seen as normal.

Uses in newspapers and magazines

Uses in newspapers

Only in newspapers that deal with stuff like the economy, politics, war, and things along those lines. They are the newspapers that used to be called broadsheet, until they weren't. The Sun has never used "thereof", except in columns where it is supposed to sound intellectual; however, The Moon has used thereof repeatedly, such as in the phrase "or any combination thereof".

Note: The Sun is a fictional newspaper. Any resemblance to newspapers living or dead is very unfortunate and we are not in the slightest bit sorry; please see this legal disclaimer if you happen to like that kind of thing. Now back to the topic at hand.

Uses in magazines

See Uses in normal everyday conversation.

Uses in whatever the third item on the list was

There wasn't one? Really? Sorry, my mistake. I apologise.

Uses in Uncyclopedia

Thereof is a very underused word on Uncyclopedia; when it is used, it is often as a primitive attempt at self-reference. There are two plausible reasons for this:

• Because users of Uncyclopedia are uneducated and don't actually know what the word means.
• Because they are such utter genii that they know exactly when the word thereof must be used, and can recognise the context thereof.

Most readers will agree that the second reason is the correct one. However, hostilities with rebels who genuinely believe that Uncyclopedians are stupid may occur spontaneously. The correct response is to start a flame war and have them banned for vandalism, while linking back to this article every time someone uses the word "thereof".

Biography

Birth

Thereof was born on the 31^st February 1864½, to proud parents There and Of. There, a middle-class adverb, had taken to hanging out in preposition bars. This led to several unfortunate incidents, including a bar brawl that send Wherefore to hospital. He later died there of his injuries. However one night, in that bar there, There encountered Of, first cousin of the then-famous To, and a member of the. After buying her an assortment of drinks, including strong punctuation and several exotic fonts, they Hey! No peeking!.

Of's pregnancy became apparent very quickly, and she was horrified as to what would be thought of her. She hired an impersonator, Off (to this day it is difficult to tell them apart), and went into hiding. There eventually tracked her down, and offered to take the child and raise it as his own. Of was shocked by his proposal, but agreed. When the child was born, There took it away and raised it as an adverb. Of fired her impersonator, who immediately contacted her agent and would have sued for damages had she not been tied down by her duties in the phrase "F*ck Off", which was rapidly growing in popularity at the time.

Childhood

Young Thereof had a difficult childhood, having never known his mother. He struggled through school, as he was constantly teased and bullied for "being different". The upper-class adverbs shunned him, believing him to be too long to fit in with the likes of Well and Very, while wannabe adverbs from the adjective neighbourhood such as Threateningly and Angrily were suspended from school for bullying him repeatedly. Thereof had difficulty fitting into conversation; however, he showed a natural gift for his studies, though few of his teachers recognised it at that time.

Further Educashun

After school, Thereof decided to continue his studies. He applied to the University of Cambridge and, against the expectations of everybody except for that one crazy guy no-one listens to anyway, got in. He studied Law, having no better ideas, and got excellent scores in all his exams. Despite that, he was almost thrown out for several illegal practices pertaining to clichéd Internet memes, including kitten huffing, signing his essays Captain Awesome, and, in one case, the combination thereof. Although he was allowed to stay at Cambridge, he was banned from Uncyclopedia for excessive and confusing self-reference.

After graduating summa magna ithway otslay ofay elebrationscay anday atshay ownthray intoay ethay airay cum laude, he still had no idea what to do with his life, so he stayed at university to study a bit longer and do a PhD.

After years of research, he submitted a thesis which was just his name repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over for 400 pages. He got full marks for originality; it helped that he put the examiner's name in the references.

Career

After getting a doctorate in Law, Thereof went back and got another in English Lit., since he still had not the foggiest idea what to do with his life. With both these doctorates under his belt (which was very uncomfortable), he was somewhat overqualified for everyday use; in any case, he decided not to follow the careers of his father and mother.

Instead, he applied to become a lawyer. The law community at large was sceptical of him at first but after his fantastic performance in the Law v. Order case, his reputation was unbreakable. He was immediately snapped up for several other jobs, and even hired to check for loopholes in Murphy's Law.

Recent Achievements

Thereof has appeared in the titles of several prestigious books. After his brilliant handling of the Alien v. Predator retrial, he now works full-time on the ongoing Pirate v. Ninja debate. For the sake of poetic elegance and to avoid the spontaneous appearance of sitcoms, Thereof has never directly collaborated directly with either of his parents, though he freely admits their influence on him and his career.

“I want my mummy.”

~ Thereof on the influence his parents had on him and on his career

Contact

Thereof has publicly stated that he is not signing any autographs for the foreseeable future, he can be contacted by simply locating a dictionary, opening it at the appropriate page, and talking to the page.

It is recommended that you do not do this while in a public space, as you may be considered insane.

Thereof also has dedicated pages on just about every online dictionary in existence (and several of those not yet in existence), and has made guest star appearances all over the internet. He currently has almost 50 million hits on Google.