The Big Sleep
“Well, I don't know what I'm saying either- I just read off the script.”
“Mr. Bogart's facial expressions run the gamut from grim to grimly amused. Is this acting, or a neurological condition?”
“Zzzzzzzzzzzz...”
The Big Sleep is widely considered to be the most confusing movie to ever be made. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ATTEMPT TO FOLLOW THE PLOTLINE! IF YOU IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, TRY, YOUR TESTICLES AND/OR OVERIES WILL EXPLODE IN A ESTIMATED 5.29 MEGATON BLAST!! Big Sleep Exposure Syndrome can cause health damage to even the most cultured of individuals. According to the Bureau of Meaningless Statistics, The Big Sleep kills or injures more people per year than AIDS, SIDS, SARS, wars, cars, Mars, and Dick Cheney combined. It is to be trifled with at your own risk.
However, for the undauntably bold, a description of The Big Sleep has been procured at great risk. If you must read this article, do so with a spotter. If you turn pale and/or begin compulsively quoting Casablanca, turn the computer off immediately.
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Jigsaw was the corpse, Norman Bates is really the murderer, they save Private Ryan, but they all get killed, Homestar Runner shot Caleb Rentpayer, Mordred is King Arthur's son, Tony gets shot by Chino and dies in Maria's arms, Daisy runs over Myrtle, leading Wilson to kill Gatsby and then himself, Dr. Strangelove can actually walk (and everybody dies), the Wizard of Yendor comes back to life, Austin Powers and Dr. Evil are brothers, Jack's name actually is Ernest after all, Curly Brace gives you her air tank after the core room floods, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
Plot synopsis[edit]
Marlowe is hired by Sternwood who is being blackmailed by Geiger who is "involved" with Sternwood's nympho daughter Carmen who's sister Vivian's husband Regan disappeared a month ago when he ran away with Mona Mars who's husband Eddie Mars (henceforth to be known as Edgar) is a gangster who "took care of" Taylor who was found by Ohls who called Marlowe to tell him and he visits Geiger and meets Agnes but finds out they are moving to the premises of Brody who gets shot by Lundgren who is secretly working for Dorgrigmir, king of the Fire Dwarves, who is attempting to invoke the power of Blazzumkaph, Uber-1337-Hell-Orc-Demonelf Goddess. And all that, vice-versa.
Breathing pause[edit]
Go listen to elevator music or something for a minute.
Plot synopsis continued[edit]
At this point, for the next two hours, the plot and events become identical to the second Harry Potter book. Also notable is the abandonment of traditional cinematography in favor of marionnettes, a theme which continues to the end of the movie. We resume at the point where Marlowe, having travelled through time and space to slay Tom Riddle, Voldemort's memories incarnate, returns to his original dimension.
The original plot, having already cost the cast and crew their mental health, is almost entirely abandoned.
There is a brief musical number, wherin Marlowe brings joy and good cheer to Manhattan, marred only slightly by hordes of New York Times critics sitting on the sides and sneering maliciously. In the climactic final battle between Marlowe and Blazzumkaph, Marlowe points out all the wonders of the world: the flowers, children playing, kitten huffing- Blazzumkaph then destroys these things, making everyone depressed. There is another musical number.
Cast[edit]
- Humphrey Bogart- as Phillip Marlowe
- Lauren Bacall- as That Love Intrest With the Hair
- The MAD Magazine Guy- as Dorgrigmir
- Blazzumkaph, Uber-1337-Hell-Orc-Demonelf Godess- as Herself
- Orson Welles- as everyone else
Watch for:[edit]
- The Lauren Bacall character's name changes three times by mistake.
- In the riverside scene, Bogart is only ever shown from the waist up. This is because he is not wearing pants.
- Blazzumkaph is given the power to incinerate people with her mind, though she can actually only give mild migranes that can be treated by several brands of over-the-counter painkiller.
- Orson Welles makes a cameo as every minor character in the movie
- Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall are a famous duo, appearing in many great romantic movies together, and eventually marrying. It was later discovered that they were sibling separated at birth. It was then discovered that Bogart already knew.
- The title (it's The Big Sleep - just in case you forgot) actually has nothing to do with the story. In an earlier, more surrealistic plotline, the main characrter was a pair of narcoleptic Siamese twins coping with life, but this was rapidly abandoned. Nobody remembered to change the title. (The original plot was eventually made into the 1998 Charles Dickens movie Great Expectations.)
See also[edit]
Crime films 
| Batman Erupts (unreleased) ♦ The Big Sleep (1946) ♦ Dirty Harry (series, 1971–) ♦ Good Burger (1997) ♦ Goodfellas (1990) ♦ Howard the Duck (1986) ♦ Million Dollar Baby (2004) ♦ Murder on the Orient Express (1953) ♦ Pandaface (1985) ♦ Pulp Fiction (1994) ♦ Super Troopers (1997) ♦ Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988) |