Pearl necklace

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Wilma Flintstone received a pearl necklace on her honeymoon.

Women love pearl necklaces! They adore the feeling of smooth pearls on their skin, and like to look at themselves in the mirror as the sunlight glistens from the necklace's surface. They cherish the memory of the exact moment their beau or gentleman caller gave them this special gift directly from a salty sea, and longingly replay, in their mind's eye, that magic moment that the necklace was laid upon their neck while occupied with dreary housework. Many woman will instantly run to show off the newest strand of pearls to their friends, who regard them as a badge of honor and of conquest, to say the least.

Girlfriends and wives, sisters and masseurs, schoolgirls and ladies of the night alike, in their private moments and maddest thoughts all long for a pearl necklace. Even high-born women crave the gift, and the more higher-born the more they lust after the pearls. Many mothers eagerly pass along tales of the necklace to their daughters, and in this way many a daughter hath learned of her father's extreme generosity, secretly wishing that daddy would give her one too.

Daddy usually learns of this the hard way, and obliges.

The pearl necklace in early American history

United States president and one of America's beloved founding fathers, wikipedia:Thomas Jefferson, was the first prominent man in recorded history to have given his girlfriend, well, his slave actually, a pearl necklace. He sent it to Sally Hemings on her 24th birthday, June 1, 1797, and wrote a poetic sonnet about it, the braggart. The gift totally surprised Hemmings, and when the package unexpectedly opened and many of the pearls poked her in the eye, Jefferson's gal pal told him she'd rather have a mud facial next year. Or her freedom. Whichever.

Ancient History

This is my favorite Pearl Necklace.

Long before Jefferson brought the practice back in favor, poorer males throughout history had shared this wonderful gift with their sweeties. Since most men never had much money, and historians agree that women in the ancient world weren't worth any money, this left the men in a bit of a quandary. For you see, women are always wanting more and more presents. They think presents equal attention and interest, and so want lots of everything, even if they have some already. Racking their brains to come up with suitable, lavish, and inexpensive gifts, ingenious boyfriends, husbands, and clients invented the pearl necklace (a.k.a. The Sally) and then, surprised and happy over the girl's reaction, often gave her another one twenty minutes later.

Religious references

Mentions of the pearl necklace (a.k.a. The Pearly Gates) have been laced throughout many religious novels. From that time that Allah gave the necklace to Hanuman the monkey God, to Zeus's special attention to long-necked Venus and her half-shell, to the contemplation of Buddha upon the pearls of wisdom which he then layered onto his followers, the necklace has provided both a literal and metaphorical thrill-ride down the slipply slopes of religious ecstasy.

For instance, everyone's favorite Jewish preacher, Jesus, always admonished His pupils not to cast their pearls before swine. Referring to the ancient Roman practice of farmers giving their hogs pearl necklaces, Jesus was actually recounting a traumatizing incident He had witnessed as a youth (see St. Paul's pompous first century post, "Letter to the Pagantarians"). This event occurred one afternoon when Jesus came upon His father, Joseph of Nazareth (a.k.a. Joey the Carpenter, a.k.a. Joey No Thumbs) giving a large pearl necklace to an obviously enthusiastic Virgin Mary. Thus later in life, and for years afterwards, Jesus expressed a phobic-related bias whenever He observed a pearl of great price being given as a gift to a lowly hog during a farmer's journey into the manly art of bestiality (the first four letters say it all!). "Stop! Do not cast your pearls before swine!" He'd tell the farmers and anyone else who'd bother to listen.

Because of all this, Jesus loved to poke His nose into other people's business and speak out against the gift, among other things. The Virgin Mary heard Jesus' nagging speech on several occasions, but never stopped enjoying the surprise multi-stringed pearls necklaces gifted upon her by her Son's loving apostles.


Special Gift from Man to Woman

The Hand-Necklace Via Rose Experience
Excellent when done well. Just make sure she snips those thorns!

“They always get tangled up in my hair, takes me like an hour to get them out.”

~ Paris Hilton on Pearl Necklaces

Men have been giving women pearl necklaces almost as an afterthought. The smile on her face and the jerk of her head when she first puts it on are enough to make any man want to give her another one. As with most things in life, there are many variations of this exceptional gift. Here are just a few:

  • The Signature - The gentleman writes his name with the necklace. Points are added for good penmanship.
  • The Full Sally - He presents the pearls, she spins around full-circle to receive them. Beautiful when performed to perfection.
  • Edible Pearls - In this variation the necklace is taken off the women and fed to her, sometimes by hand, other times sopped up on cinnamon toast.
  • The Ankle Bracelet - This rare pearl necklace is placed on the ankle or foot. It is often given just after the woman swiftly kicks away her man when he calls her by another girls name as he is presenting the necklace to her.
  • The Collector - A solitary gentleman who collects pearl necklaces, either in a pile on his floor or in colorfully labeled cookie tins. Some have collections going back to the early '90s.
  • The Tummy Tuck - A necklace is placed on the belly of the woman. This is sometimes created by accident if the man can't putt it nearer to the green.
  • Pearls Before Swine, Eisenberg Variation - When a cultured man gives a pearl necklace to a fat chick.
  • Pearl Thong - A man playfully places a necklace on the woman's posterior, known as "around the horn". No personal space is safe or out of bounds for this delightfully oceanic experience.
  • Mother of Pearl - When the woman's mother walks into the room as the necklace is being placed, and the man, surprised, turns and accidentally gives her a string too.
  • The Low Hanging Fruit - Sometimes the last pearls of the pearl necklace get stuck or linger on the man, and the woman has to reach out to collect them to complete the bling.

It should be noted that a pearl necklace can also be given to a man, either knowingly or while the scamp is passed-out after drinking one too many beers.

Men can also give one to themselves, if they're so inclined. Aim high, my brothers, aim high!

In popular culture

When U.S. President Bill Clinton - following Jefferson's lead - gave his intern Monica Lewinsky an expensive pearl necklace, she lovingly kept it long after their relationship ended, sentimentally hung on a blue dress she was wearing at the time. Coincidently, Bill has never given a pearl necklace to his wife, Hillary, so please feel free to send her one in the mail.

The 2003 film "Girl with a Pearl Earring" starring Scarlett Johansson (an actress known for her deep under-the-surface reserve, actually a practiced expression of feigned quiet intelligence which has carried her through life piggyback), portrays the recipient of one of the hardest moves in the history of the sport. Based on Johannes Vermeer's classic oil painting of the same name, the movie and painting are monuments to what can be achieved with practice: the placing of a single pearl on a woman's ear after the other pearls have been layered elsewhere. Since making the film, Johansson has asked all of her boyfriends and leading men to give her this gift,

with varying results


In some poorer nations there are still pearl divers, young men who jump from a height when they see a pearl necklace floating in the air towards the neck and shoulders of a fair young lady. They dive over the lass, timing their leap so perfectly that the necklace, instead of finding its proper place along the ladies' collarbone, will alight in the pearl diver's open mouth. Like a seal catching a fish, these scalliwags cause such an uproar that the woman usually screams while the man gives chase.

This 19th century guy and his six brothers really did a stand-up job on this surprised lady.
Here's a gal who knows the score!

See Also

  • Pearlnecklace9.JPEG
    HowTo:Enjoy a three-way dripping doggie-style pearl necklace in a parking lot while wearing Suspenders, a Little Black Dress, and a see-thru.

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 19 February 2011
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/19 February 2011