My Little Penis

My Little Penis is a new toy--some might say a new doll--manufactured by Hasbro, the makers of My Little Pony. The new toy is intended to "cash in on little girl's Penis Envy by providing them with a cute, non-threatening little penis of their own," according to Hasbro spokeswoman Ima P. Ness.

My Little Penis Envy

Sigmund Freud invented the concept of Penis Envy in the "loo" of a Public House, back before privacy partitions were invented. The punter at the adjacent urinal had a really big tallywhacker, he wrote in his seminal 1910 tome, Penis Envy: The Etiology of Psychophallic Inferiority:

While contemplating the magnificent phallus next to my own, comparatively minuscule penis, I could not help but to feel inadequate and ashamed. I was envious of the mighty member. Next to such a display of blatant manhood, I felt as if I were a girl. The thought struck me that girls, deprived as they are of a penis even as small as mine, must feel the same way; they must, upon acquaintance with the male organs of their brothers and fathers, experience what might be called "penis envy."

Appearance

Hasbro's engineers debated whether to make the toy penis realistic or symbolic in appearance, coming to a quick and easy consensus:

“It was a no-brainer, really. You see mostly, it's mothers who buy toys, and women find the male sexual organs unattractive. If the women I date had their way, all men would be eunuchs, and we'd use turkey basters to artificially inseminate the few women who actually want to conceive, bear, deliver, and rear children. We decided early on to make My Little Penis as cute and cuddly--and non-threatening--as My Little Pony. We even gave the toy penis a brushable mane of synthetic hair. In addition, the Pegasus Penis is equipped with foldable wings, and the Unicorn has a second, smaller penis that grows from its glans, or “head,” as its horn.”

~ Dick Head, the My Little Penis project manager

Generation 1

The first generation of My Little Penis was produced in a variety of bright, cheerful colors and was made, like My Little Pony, of durable plastic. Each penis had a unique identifying mark, or brand, over the right testicle.

The first generation of the toys was a limited release of 100,000 to enhance their value as collectibles, and because Marketing was unsure, despite advance market research, how many girls may be interested in acquiring a My Little Penis of their own. For infants and toddlers, Hasbro will offer My Widdle Pee Pee, a mobile suspended over the crib or playpen. If the toy does well in the market, Hasbro may also introduce a Bareback Mountain My Little Penis action figure for boys “with latent homosexual tendencies,” Ness added.

Hasbro's new toy line: My Little Penis (this one is named Minty)

Hasbro's new toy line: My Little Penis (this one is named Snuzzle)

Hasbro's new toy line: My Little Penis (this one is named Blossom)

Animated Series

To introduce the first generation of My Little Penis, Hasbro is sponsoring an animated television series of the same name. Set in Cream Valley, a landscape awash in Penis milk and inhabited by Vi Russ and her Legion of Venereal Diseases, against whom Minty, Snuzzle, Butterscotch, Bluebelle, Cotton Candy, and Blossom will fight, using their mints, pillow, quilt, pansy, cotton candy stick, and flowerpot as magical weapons, the cartoon show will promote safe sex and xenophobia.

Friendship Garden

Hasbro is also releasing a Friendship Garden to serve as the habitat for the My Little Penis figures, which the company describes as equipped with:

every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also is in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. And a river goes out of Friendship to water the garden; and from thence it parts, and becomes four heads. The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold; and the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone. And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia. And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.

Adult Collection

Two “very special editions” of My Little Penis, Mr. Stiffy and Penny Traitor, will be available only through mail order. These Penises are transsexual fetish figures intended for adults only. These special edition Penises are packaged in plastic bubbles attached to a back card and come with Penis Points that can be redeemed for condoms, lubricating jellies, and other sex-related items.

Custom Models

Future My Little Penis toys may include custom models. Hasbro will sell cheap, generic My Little Penis figures stripped of every feature except the mane to allow collectors to create their own customized Penises from various parts and supplies kits that the company will sell "on a sort of grab bag basis: customers will get whatever parts and accessories are included in the kit, but they won't know which parts they've bought until they get them home and open the kits," Ness explains:

Customizers may paint new symbols on the Penis, change the body color, paint the eyes, and re-thread the mane with an interesting color or texture of hair. Customers could use elaborate sculpted parts, specially made wings, or detailed painting all over the Penis.