Louis Farrakhan

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Hey Louie, that's not very nice, giving the white man horns gesture and looking disheveled in a photo shoot.

Louis Eugene Wolcott Farrakhan X (born May 11, 1933), or Lil' Louie to his friends, is an African-American black nationalist, minister, party animal, and calypso mogul. He is the current leader of the Nation of Islam, a bunch of really angry black men with bowties who believe that crackas are the Devil.

Early life[edit]

Lil' Louie was born in The Bronx, New York and raised by his Caribbean immigrant single mama. Louie never liked his mama much, and this may've influenced him banning women from attending his Nation of Islam rants later in life.

Musical career[edit]

In the 1950s, Farrakhan became a calypso musician under the stage name "Lil' Louie". His first hit, "Put the 'Hap' in Happy, You Happy-Headed Ho" was followed by the double-platinum smash hits "Louie, Louie", "Million Man March Boogie", "Ugly Woman", "What Can You Get a Whitey for Christmas, When He Doesn't Even Own a Comb?", and "Brown-Skinned Gal". With a wild sense of style, Louie redecorated some of his closest celeb friends' homes and threw wild parties there; coincidentally, each of these homes later became a private casino. Despite his anti-Semitism, he can play Mendelssohn real tight on the steel drums.

Louis-ing His Religion[edit]

In 1981, Lil' Louie departed from Christianity after learning that Jews were God's "Chosen People"; his last words to G-d were, "I ain't no Hebrew, bitchass." He then took over the Nation of Islam, a radical Islamic sect which preaches that the Blackman is the original man of planet Earth, and that Caucasians were created in a selective breeding process by billion-year-old big-brained black scientist Yakub. Whiteys were allowed by God to dominate the world for 6,000 years, before the NOI was founded and began to wrestle back control to the true black owners of the Earth.

On October 24, 1989, at the J.W. Marriott Hotel in Washington, DC., Farrakhan claimed he had a vision of being abducted in 1985 by an invisible pilot in a UFO and carried up on a beam of light to a "human-built planet" known as the "Mother Wheel". There, the voice of Elijah Muhammad informed him that President/Lizardman George H.W. Bush and the Joint Chiefs of Staff, under the direction of Gen. Colin Powell, were planning a war, which Farrakhan said he later came to realize was "a war against the black people of America, the Nation of Islam, and Louis Farrakhan." "I saw a city in the sky," Farrakhan said, after which the UFO "brought me back to Earth and dropped me off near Washington; over to Tyson's Corner and Fifth Street I think...to make The Announcement." His entire inspiration for the 1995 Million Man March, he says, is based on this "vision of being swept into a UFO that took him to a larger mothership."

In 2005, Farrakhan held another Million Man March. Whether complimentary bowties and copies of Dummies' Guide to Being a Quasi-Muslim Heretic were handed out has yet to be determined. During the March, the NOI wooed white bystanders into joining in their fun of watching Hotep Jesus (instead of Glenn Beck) and eating seasoned foods (instead of unseasoned foods); everyone was surprised by the high turnout.

Political views and controversy[edit]

Among Louie's other ingenious pieces of revelation are that Judaism is a dirty religion made up of termite swindlers, Malcolm X's assassination was deserved, Hitler, Mugabe, and Castro are great men, vaccines, AIDS, and ebola were created by whites to wipe out the black race, Aretha Franklin is the true Queen of Soul (no objection there), and FEMA's cockup of Hurricane Katrina was intentional so they could wipe out New Orleans's black populace (well, he may be onto something with that one, but he still talks like a crazy person). Farrakhan is also within the statistically 0% of black Muslims who support Donald Trump as President.

Lovin' the Deep Dish District[edit]

Never much of a hit with the ladies, Louie resides alone in a Home for the Formerly-Famous in Chicago, Illinois. His applications to appear on VH1's Behind the Music have been rejected hundreds of times, second only to his good friend and indie folk musician Alex Jones.