HowTo:Make a sandwich

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“Sandwiches are heavy, doc!”

~ Marty McFly on sandwiches


“Sandwiches, you say? Why, what a delicious idea!”

~ Oscar Wilde on having a sandwich for lunch


“Sandwiches are futile. Your bread will be assimilated.”

~ The Borg Collective on the futility of sandwiches


“Give it up human food! Your Sandwich-grenades are no match for our Makron, and his super-lacerator-hyperblaster-obliterator-automatic railgun!”

~ The Strogg on harvesting earth for stroyent

Constantly confused as to what side of the bread the condiment goes on?[1] Don't know the order for the meat and cheese? Not sure whether a Reuben has ham or turkey? Not sure whether peanut butter & jelly contains turkey or not?

If any of those things sound familiar, then this guide is for you! In this guide, we'll go over all of the very important (and mundane) steps to making a sandwich, from getting the mayonnaise out of the fridge to taking a bite of the sandwich to yelling at your dog for eating it when you go to answer the door because the kids next door got a football stuck on your roof again.[2]

Overview to Making a Sandwich[edit]

  1. Decide what kind-of sandwich you want.
  2. Follow the easy instructions in this guide.

Types of Sandwiches[edit]

There are many types of sandwiches, and we'll explain how to make most of them in this section. In addition to sandwiches, there are also "non-sandwiches", which are kind-of like sandwiches, but aren't. They're like a sandwich's retarded younger brother.[3]

A lunchmeat sandwich.

Lunchmeat sandwich[edit]

A lunchmeat sandwich usually consists of meat and cheese on some sort-of bread (be it a kaiser roll, sliced bread,[4] or a submarine [5]). Some people put vegetables on such sandwiches, but they are not required. However, it is recommended (by the USDA), in the name of safe sandwiches, that you use condiments.[6] Non-use of condiments may lead to sandwich-transmitted diseases (especially in the case of eating sprouts).


The Steps[edit]

  1. Pick out your bread.
  2. Slice the bread.[7]
  3. Pick out your lunchmeat.
  4. Remove it from your Fridge.
  5. Pick out your cheese.
  6. Remove it from your refrigerator.
  7. Pick out any possible condiments you want.
  8. Remove them from your refrigerator.
  9. Pick out any vegetables you might want on your sandwich.
  10. Remove them from your refrigerator.
  11. Slice the tomato.
  12. Place the lunchmeat on the open side of the bottom half of the bread.[8]
  13. Place the cheese on top of the meat.
  14. Dump a ton of condiments on top of the cheese. If you have chosen no condiments, skip to the next step.
    A photographer's rendition of your dog after eating your sandwich.
  15. Put your vegetables on top of the condiments. If you have chosen no vegetables, skip to the next step. If you have chosen a tomato, go back four steps.
  16. Masturbate and ejaculate on it (only if it is for someone else).
  17. Put the other piece of bread on top.
  18. Take a bite.
  19. Answer the door.
  20. Go outside, get the ladder out.
  21. Get the football off of the roof for the Hitler Youth.
  22. Come back inside.
  23. Yell at Snoopy for eating your sandwich.[9]

Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich[edit]

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich consists of peanut butter and jelly.[10] Peanut butter & jelly is always eaten on sliced bread - if it's not, you are breaking the law.

The Steps[edit]

  1. Take out two pieces of sliced bread.
  2. Take out a jar of peanut butter.
  3. Take out a jar of jelly.[11]
  4. Using a knife, evenly coat the top side of a piece of bread in peanut butter.
  5. Using a spoon, put some jelly on top of that.
  6. Lick the knife and the spoon.
  7. Put more jelly on your sandwich. Don't use a new spoon - that is a waste of dishsoap.
  8. Put the other piece of bread on top.
  9. Take a bite.
  10. Enjoy.

Jelly & Peanut Butter sandwich[edit]

A jelly and peanut butter sandwich consists of jelly and peanut butter.[12] Jelly & peanut butter is always eaten on sliced bread - if it's not, you are breaking at least five international treaties.

The Steps[edit]

  1. Take out two pieces of sliced bread.
  2. Take out a jar of jelly.[13]
  3. Take out a jar of peanut butter.
  4. Using a knife, place some jelly on the top side on a slice of bread.
  5. Using a spoon, dump some peanut butter on top of that. Try your best to spread it around a bit.
  6. Lick the knife and the spoon.
  7. Put the other piece of bread on top.
  8. Take a bite.
  9. Enjoy.

Tuna and Sweetcorn Sandwich[edit]

An unassuming sort of sandwich, the sort of sandwich that you don't think of as anything special, but is always there for you, to keep you warm and soak up all your tears; the big friendly sister of the sandwich world.

The World is Burning[edit]

  1. Go to Sandwich. This is the most important step. Google maps might help you, and if you're short of cash, this [link] guide to selling an organ will help you pay your bus fare.
  2. The next most important step is to burn all other wheat and bread so that your enemies cannot make their own sanwiches. You will need a band of highly-trained ninjas for this step, or, in a pinch, you can muster an army of rebels by creating a Sandwichian Nationalist Party and stirring them up into a patriotic frenzy.
  3. As you pillage and burn, don't forget to plunder yourself enough bread to make a sandwich with.
  4. Dangerously strain the natural balance of sea life by trawling huge amounts of tuna with a trawler net.
  5. Throw away all the tuna you don't need, but keep a bit of one of them as your filling. See if you can find some sweetcorn somewhere, too.
  6. Cut off the crusts.
  7. Put filling in between two bits of bread.
  8. Celebrate your victory with your rebel/ninja band.
  9. Take over the world (optional).

Reuben[edit]

Paul Reubens expresses his distaste for the sandwich named after him.

Nobody eats these disgusting things, not even Paul Reubens, for whom the sandwich was named. However, in the name of curtailing sandwich ignorance, we will give some information.

A reuben sandwich is made up of swiss cheese, corned beef, sauekraut, and Russian or Thousand Island dressing on rye or pumpernickel bread. It is served usually grilled or toasted. A side of potato salad is a common side.

The Steps[edit]

  1. Own an expensive panini grill. If you do not, skip this entire section and go fuck yourself.[14]
  2. Place the meat and kraut on the bread.[15]
  3. Place the bread on the grill.
  4. Take the sandwich off.
  5. Eat.[16]
An artist's rendition of a shit sandwich.

Shit sandwich[edit]

Not an actual sandwich, just a figure of speech.

Chopped steak[edit]

A chopped steak is also known as a cheese steak. They also come on a submarine roll. Varieties include ones with fried peppers, onions and mushrooms; lettuce, tomato and mayo; and a mixture of the two. Sometimes, people put peas on them. And corn. And potatoes. And bacon. And breakfast cereal.[17]

Common cheeses used in a chopped steak sandwich are cheddar, provologne, American, gouda, mozarella, pepperjack, moterey jack, Dubliner, parmesan, cheddar, provologne, American, Swiss, sardo, testouri, caravane, yunnan, chenna, sakura, jameed, goat, camel, rat, yak, dog, cat, mouse, deer, pig, human, baby, monkey, sharp cheddar, provologne, American, amek, achuza, marble, beauvoorde, and American.

The Steps[edit]

  1. Pick out a nice sub roll.
  2. Slice the roll half-way through from the side.
  3. Take some beef or chicken out of the freezer.
  4. Thaw the meat.
  5. Fry it in a frying pan.
  6. Add cheese to the cooked meat in the pan.
  7. Let the cheese melt.
  8. Place the meat & cheese mixture on the sub roll.
  9. Eat.
  10. Go into cardiac arrest.
  11. Call 911.
  12. Attempt again in a few weeks, after your cholesterol is under control.

Chopped liver[edit]

Chopped liver sandwiches are the worst.

  1. Find two people that nobody cares about.
  2. Sit between them.
  3. Do not enjoy.

Woman[edit]

Good luck with this one, most men never achieve such greatness.

The chemical diagram of roofies, a common component in making this sandwich.

The Steps[edit]

  1. Find a local drug dealer.
  2. Buy some roofies.[18]
  3. Place half of them in a woman's drink.
  4. Place the other half in another woman's drink.
  5. Take both of them home.
  6. Get them both naked.[19]
  7. If you can't figure out what to do now, you aren't using the internet for its intended purpose.

Types of Non-Sandwiches[edit]

A non-sandwich sandwich.

Non-sandwiches is a category comprised of food that is of similar meat-cheese combination as lunchmeat sandwiches, but is not served on a roll or bread.

Notes[edit]

  1. ↑ Or how to put the condom on? Try our sex-ed article!
  2. ↑ Those little fuckers! This always happens! When are they going to learn?
  3. ↑ To use an analogy, if sandwiches were Alec Baldwin, then non-sandwiches would be Stephen Baldwin. While both are related, the former is far superior in many ways.
  4. ↑ Widely accepted for many years as "the best thing". Recently ousted by The Colbert Report.
  5. ↑ Called a hoagie in some north-eastern cities. Incidentally, a new movement has come to fruition, which demands that women are never placed on subs.
  6. ↑ It's the only way to be sure.
  7. ↑ If you are using sliced bread, skip this step.
  8. ↑ Sliced bread does not have a bottom half or an open side, technically.
  9. ↑ You can easily skip this step by putting liverwurst on your sandwich, not even dogs will eat liverwurst.
  10. ↑ Jelly - not jam - as jam would just be wrong.
  11. ↑ Or two jars of different flavors, if you're feeling particularly naughty.
  12. ↑ We use the word "jelly" as only a Yank would be dumb enough to even consider making one of these sandwiches, and for everyone else, jelly and jam are just as horrible in combination with peanut butter anyway, so in all respects that matter to this article they are the same.
  13. ↑ Or two jars of different flavors, if you're feeling particularly naughty.
  14. ↑ Literally.
  15. ↑ By kraut, we mean sauekraut, a German delicacy (okay, so it's actually not that great), and not a condiment spread made up of ground-up German citizens.
  16. ↑ Caution, this sandwich may be hot.
  17. ↑ And fruit bats, too.
  18. ↑ WARNING: This is illegal.
  19. ↑ Sometimes easier said than done, depending on how much you've been drinking.
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