Baldwin Brothers

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“It's a cold day, Edith; we'll need a nice fat Alec in the reactor to stay warm this week.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Baldwin Brothers

Baldwin Brothers are extremely dense radioactive pieces of matter, formed at the beginning of the universe with their counterparts, the antimatter particles known as Wayans Brothers. When a Baldwin Brother and a Wayans Brother are brought together, they explode in a massive deluge of primordial pasta, which can be converted quickly to natural gas by most bacteria.


Alec Baldwin decay particles made visible in a bubble chamber demonstration

Baldwin Brothers were first discovered in 1957 by CERN researcher Simon van der Meer in a particle accelerator experiment that was attempted to disprove the existence of God. The Baldwins were raised in the laboratory until an adoptive family in California took them in 1964. Since then Baldwins have been applied to a variety of entertainment, industrial, and military purposes.


  • Nuclear power: Baldwin Brothers are made out of heavy radioactive elements and make excellent fuel for nuclear reactors as well as nucular explosives. North Korean president Kim Jong Il uses Alec Baldwin for 84% of his nuclear warhead material.
  • Armor plating: The Baldwins that are unsuitable for nuclear power, namely Stephen and Adam, are still extremely dense substances that can be used as armor plating for tanks. Baldwin plated vehicles can only be harmed by either chaotic adamantine weapons, or Baldwin-tipped projectiles.
  • Munitions: Artillery shells tipped with Baldwins is the best way to harm a Baldwin-plated tank, or anything else for that matter.
  • Wayans-Baldwin Reactor: It is generally agreed by most physicists that this is the ultimate source of power attainable by humankind. This requires equal amounts of Wayans and Baldwin brothers.

The Baldwins[edit]

The Four "Elemental" Baldwins[edit]

Each of these Baldwins has properties associated with one of the four classical elements, in addition to their common radioactive heavy metal properties.

Rumor has it that when all of the baldwins are in the same room.....the Earth will blow up!!

Apocryphal Baldwins[edit]

  • Adam Baldwin: While biologically unrelated to the Baldwin Brothers, he nevertheless has almost all of the same chemical and radiological properties, and so for all scientific purposes may be considered a Baldwin.

The fifth Baldwin brother James was recently unfrozen form his hibernation. He immediately asked for fried chicken, Kool Aid and watermellon.