HowTo:Invade Fort Dix

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All this could be yours!

Fort Dix is one of the most strategic bases in the United States. It is located between Philadelphia, the state capital, and the New Jersey shore, all of which will make it a key location in your plan to take over New Jersey. It will be important to capture New Jersey in your plan to conquer the United States not only because New Jersey is the most densely populated state in the nation, but because other major cities such as Boston and Washington are within missile range. In this easy guide, you'll be able to learn how to invade Fort Dix just within a few hours (NOTE: The authors of this article, if you fail to capture Fort Dix, are not your conspirators. If you DO capture Fort Dix using this guide, at least mention us in your "acceptance of Fort Dix" speech).

Things you'll need[edit]

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Feel free to bring as much things as you want, but these are the things we highly recommend:

One of the many uses of a Furby
  • Plenty of duct tape and a dirty sock
  • A Furby to torture people with
  • Something to bribe guards with, like money, drugs, or sex
  • An affiliation with a terrorist group to make getting all these things easier


Joining a terrorist group[edit]

The most important part of this is preparation. After all, Mao Zedong didn't just randomly wake up one day and decide on starting a people's revolution of China. The first thing you need to do is search for your local terrorist organization. If you're lucky and live in a third world country, there will be so many to choose from you'll be overwhelmed. For some reason, most terrorist groups are Islamic militant or jihadist groups. Don't be too bogged down about having to be a Muslim; being a Muslim isn't so bad since all you have to do is accept the beliefs of the Qur'an and bomb anyone who has a problem with it. If you're unwilling to convert to Islam, you're next best alternative is to become a Communist and join a Communist terror organization. Here are some notable terrorist organizations:

Islamic groups:[edit]

Leaders of Hezbollah at a foreign affairs meeting along with their hot Lebanese babe

Islamic groups are the most fearful of all terrorist groups. Islamic terrorist groups are responsible for the majority of terrorist acts, and consider jihad to be the sixth pillar of Islam. Nobody wants to mess with an Islamic terror group, since they know that they'll get blown up or beheaded if they do. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden have already imprinted the heartlessness of terrorist groups on average Americans, and make people afraid to go to the grocery store without a missile blowing their house up.

Islamic groups make hating Jews as much of a habit of hating Satan. In Islam, the practice of Judaism is punishable by getting all of your limbs slowly and painfully cut off, and once your body becomes dull to the pain, getting your eyes cut off and your head cut off. Islamic groups practice Holocaust denial as a key belief and don't even recognize the existence of the state of Israel. Islamic groups actively advocate the "destruction and obliteration of Israel, and all people directly or indirectly associated with them". Islamic groups are great for Jew haters, and there are plenty of Jews in New Jersey. Besides, who doesn't hate Jews?

The only obstacle in joining Muslim organizations is you will have to submit yourself to the beliefs of the one and only last true prophet, Muhammad. Your whole family, all of your friends, and their friends might have to convert to Islam also for you to avoid being considered an unfaithful Muslim by the head sheikh. You will also have to learn Arabic and memorize the first 500 pages of the Qur'an.

Communist groups:[edit]

Shining Path poster celebrating Abimael Guzmán's wonderful leadership

Actually, communism isn't all that bad. Communism gives peasants and homeless people hope about one day being as wealthy as Bill Gates or having as much success as Oprah Winfrey, while having to do the least amount of work possible. Sure, a bunch of people might die in the process, but I would gladly accept having most of my family die for having as much ownership in McDonald's as the CEO does. If a dictatorship of the proletariat succeeds, O.J. Simpson might even become the dictator of world one day.

Just because the groups have communism as their main ideologies doesn't mean there aren't wealthy backers of it. Most communist groups are organized political parties, and have the advantages of being heavily funded and having influential supporters. Since communist groups support a people's revolution, there will be members experienced in military strategy, and they'll help you convince other people of why they should invade some military base located in the depths of New Jersey.

Communist groups can be found throughout Eastern Europe, East Asia, and Latin America. To actively engage in one, you might have to learn another language, but the returns will be great once you understand what the people are actually saying.

Other groups:[edit]

Various Irish Republican Army movements - Irish sure must enjoy fighting, since even though there are only 6 million people on the island of Ireland, there are countless terrorist organizations. It must be all of that Irish whiskey. Notable Irish Republican Armies are the CIRA, PIRA, RIRA, and the original IRA. There is also the Irish National Liberation Army and the Ulster Defence organization. You sure are fortunate if you are Irish or British!

Babbar Khalsa - An Indian group calling for the formation of an independent Sikh state. If you have any clue about what a Sikh is, this might be a good group for you since I have no clue either.

Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam - A Sri Lankan group advocating formation of a Tamil state. Sorry, but there's no actual tigers here, only secessionists. If you're under 18, you'll like this group because it also features a child soldier division.

United Self-Defense Forces of Colombia - A Colombian paramilitary group that fights against other insurgency groups. Also a great place to get cocaine from.

Getting your weapons[edit]

If you joined a good terrorist organization, you now have what you need to get the weapons for the mission. Even though you might start out with nothing but knives or Glock 17s, you'll get more powerful weapons as you move up in ranks and get backing from more powerful individuals. Since most terrorist organizations are Anti-American, people will be eager to help you in your cause and give you what you need to succeed.

Now that you have access to the weapons stockpile, you need to pick out the weapons you need for the mission. Don't just pick out any weapon, since the more weapons you pick, the more you'll have to carry. And it would be awfully difficult to walk around with a 400 pound backpack and 100 pound suitcase while you're being pursued by forty guards. So be smart; for example, don't take sniper rifles because by the time you finally kill someone, several helicopters will be firing away at you. Don't even think of taking that boom box, since even though it would look cool and intimidating if you were blasting rap music at full volume, you can fit thousands of more songs if you brought an iPod instead. Also, remember it will be complicated and awfully suspicious to ship the weapons directly to New Jersey, so bring something that won't be a hassle.

You can either attempt to sneak the weapons into the United States or purchase the weapons once you get there. Smuggling the weapons into the United States is more challenging, but looks cooler in action movies. Be sneaky about it if you decide to do so. If you just simply mail the goods in, they'll most likely be intercepted, and George W. Bush will get permission to listen in on all your future phone conversations. Instead, what you must do is sneak the weapons across the Mexican border. This is actually easy, since all you need to do is ship them to Monterrey, and pay some Mexicans to sneak them across the border to Texas. Once they're in Texas, pay a group of stereotypical white people to drive them to New Jersey.

Recruiting people to help your cause[edit]

As most scholars say, a person is only as good as the people around them. That statement applies to this situation, and you'll need to find the best terrorists out there. One way you can recruit people is by posting signs in Arabic and Chinese advertising your cause, and by having tryouts to decide who will help command your mission. Recruit as much people as possible, since if you bring overwhelming numbers, the Americans won't stand a chance against you. As a guideline, remember one experienced gunman is equivalent to ten grenade chucking rebels.

Step 1: Entering the country[edit]

There is a chance that you are already so notorious internationally, you won't be able to get into the United States legally. This means your only other option is to enter illegally.

If you already live in the United States, then congratulations on completing the first step. If you aren't American, then you'll probably find this the most challenging step. People in America have a paranormal fear of men who aren't of European descent, especially those with a lot of facial hair. Americans are most fearful of people who are Muslims and/or don't speak any English. The best way you can raise as little suspicion as possible is by dressing up like a typical American tourist. To look as American as possible, dress up in a brightly colored t-shirt, along with khaki shorts, sandals, and a New York Yankees baseball cap. You can make it look like you speak fluent American English by memorizing phrases you'll probably use, such as "I would like fries with that" and "I have no bombs".

In the event you need to take a gun with you during your airplane flight, don't worry. Security guards won't ask any tough questions or act like you're a criminal. In the U.S., you're allowed to bring as much guns as you want as long as you declare them to the airport. America has some of the highest gun ownership rates and most liberal gun policies in the world, and Americans consider their right to bear arms as important as their right for trial by jury. Again, just don't do anything that will give George W. access to your personal phone conversations.

Step 2 : Getting ready for the invasion[edit]

Now that you made it into the United States, you can relax a little. Go down to Atlantic City for some addictive gambling, or go up to West Philly for some hardcore hunting. Or go to Camden to fuck up some prostitutes and get some crack. But don't celebrate too much. You're here not because you want to party, but because you're on a mission. You can't party until you've shown the United States isn't invincible, and instilled fear into the average American citizen.

Once you've checked into your hotel, it's time to account for your weapons. If you decided to buy all of your weapons once you get there, then just go to the local gun store, or go to North Philly for more sophisticated guns. Retrieve your weapons if you shipped them to the United States. If you followed our instructions and imported your weapons into the United States indirectly through Mexico, make sure you still have all 14 of your guns. Mexicans will steal anything left out in the open, whether it's your underwear, your gum, or your toothbrush. Make sure you have all of your supplies, including your duct tape and your Furby. Actually, maybe it wasn't a good idea to ship your weapons through Mexico, though it's not like you had much of a better option anyway.

Step 3 : Time to attack Fort Dix![edit]

This guy just can't wait to kill people! Can you?

Now is the time you've been waiting for the past month. You finally get to fuck some niggas up! Hopefully, you didn't do anything stupid like post a profanity filled Youtube video containing footage of you cursing out the military. If you did, you'll probably come face to face with the FBI when you try to break into the building, and I'll personally beat you up. But I'm assuming you're not that stupid, and the U.S. military still doesn't even know you're coming.

Once Jackie Chan arrives to help you break into the building, it's time to put on the camouflage gear. Remember to also have your bulletproof vest on since you never know what can happen. Either you can haul your weapons and stuff there yourself, or you could have someone transport them into the base for you. It's recommended that you hire someone to drive them into the base because if you get a hot woman to do it and the gatekeeper's male, the gatekeeper will be so distracted by thoughts about having sex with her they'll forget to check for weapons.

Step 4 : Cutting the power[edit]

Now that you've entered Fort Dix, cut the power to cause chaos and to interrupt communication between base officials. Finding the power source can prove challenging, but if you follow where the power lines lead to, you'll eventually come to the power generator. Don't attempt this step until you're completely ready for the full scale invasion. The next step is to back away as far as possible, and throw a grenade at the power generator. This will cause a massive explosion, and a hundred guards will come running out of nowhere in search of what triggered the explosion. Run the hell out of there, and once you rendezvous with Jackie Chan, proceed to the next step.

Step 5 : Sabotaging the ammunition supply[edit]

Right now, the soldiers will be put on alert, and will be hurrying to get their weapons. You must now sabotage their supply of ammunition. Rush to the ammunition storehouse, and if you encounter any guards, bribe them with money or by promising you'll have sex with them later. Most guards will succumb to your bribery.

As soon as you find the ammunition, steal enough ammunition to finish your mission, then sabotage it by launching grenades at it. The ammunition will be hard to destroy because the buildings it's stored in are made of concrete, but keep on trying because if you don't destroy it, they'll be using it to destroy you. You better get running because by the time you complete this step, the guards will definitely know it was you, and will be in full pursuit of you.

Step 6 : Time to kill people![edit]

Typical U.S. soldier in a marijuana disguise, one of the most effective disguises in combat.
Just remember one thing - don't go near the shiny objects in the sky.

This is where having Jackie Chan really comes in handy. You didn't hire that Chinese guy for no reason; Jackie Chan has a black belt in karate, and you should see him when he has a gun. While fighting his enemies, Jackie Chan has the incredible ability to distract his opponents by shouting insults at them, since by the time they can comprehend what he just said they'll get killed. The blows he inflicts with his gun are as accurate as the blows he inflicts with a roundhouse kick. Be prepared for one insane battle!

To make things easier, you should start a jailbreak at nearby Fort Dix Correctional Institute. Have someone start a riot at the prison, and blast a hole in the jail to make it easier for all of the inmates to get out. The prison houses over 4,000 inmates, and it would be awfully hard for them to stop you with that much rowdy prisoners on the loose.

Now, you should head to McGuire Air Force Base to take control of the control tower. No more bribing guards; now, you should just simply shoot at anyone who gets in your way. Guards will shoot back, but they'll be so distracted with trying to hit Jackie Chan they'll totally forget about you. If you see any helpless civilians, shoot them because the military will have to tend to the wounded people to avoid having a lawsuit for inhumane actions. Even scatter around a few smokescreens to make things more entertaining and humorous.

When you finally reach your control tower, find a way into it and storm the tower by force. The door inside will be locked. Jackie Chan will probably jump kick down the door for you to make things easier, but if he doesn't, use one of your less powerful grenades to blast a hole large enough for you to enter, but small enough to keep the building intact. Kill any guards who try and block your way to the top of it, and ascend to the top. You'll probably find three cowering air force members, but don't kill them. Instead, these are your torture victims. Strip them naked, wrap them up in duct tape, and gag them with the dirty sock. You can also stuff something up their buts to watch them groan and talk about how much their asses hurt, and place a juicy cheeseburger so it is just out of their reach for added torture. You'll ask them questions later, but right now you still have more shooting to do.

Get out the machine gun, and hopefully you have plenty of ammo because there's going to be a lot of people to shoot. Have all of the other people you hired to help you at machine guns too. Recruit a bunch of civilians also, or threaten to torture people who won't help. If you brought any animals, preferably rabid, unleash them on the soldiers. Guards will be running at you in all directions, and a few might sky dive out of planes. At first, you'll see sparse amounts of soldiers, but as you see denser clusters, throw in some grenades to kill soldiers more effectively. Use smoke bombs to disorient soldiers, who will trample over dead bodies as they try and shoot you. They may even shoot their comrades by accident.

Don't give up because there's still 3,000 people to shoot. In rare cases, you might see some tanks and artillery, in which case you'd just be screwed, but the military most likely won't do that because that would give them an unfair advantage. Eventually, the soldiers will run out of ammunition, or the military will run out of soldiers.

Step 7 : Establishing control of the base[edit]

Congratulations on successfully invading Fort Dix! With the chaos created by your actions, the Fort Dix personnel will face little chance but to surrender due to the lack of nearby reinforcements. There aren't any major bases within the area, so there's ample time to make Fort Dix a place of your own. Maybe you should rename Fort Dix to something cooler, like "Jihadville". No, actually "Hitlerpolis" sounds better. Remove the gags of the soldiers you took hostage, because you have some torturing to do. If your victims don't comply, threaten to leave them in a dark room with nothing but a full-sized Furby. Keep the questions pertaining to relevant things, but occasionally throw in a few trick questions to increase the amount of torture. Some trick questions you can occasionally ask the soldiers as part of the torture are "Which came first, the gun or the ammo?", "Which came first, my left fist or my right fist?" (And then punch them in the head as hard as you can), and "If I had a penny for every time someone asked a stupid question, how rich would I be?".

With all of the information you discover from the interrogations, you should discover a wealth of information, but what's important is you learn how to access the weapons stockpile and the airplane arsenal. It's only a matter of time before the U.S sends reinforcements, and you'll need to be prepared for when it happens. You also need to learn what kind of missiles the base has, and how many. But for now you can relax and party. Schedule a march in honor of your conquest of Fort Dix, and don't forget about mentioning us in your upcoming speech.

See also[edit]

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