HowTo:Online Jihad

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Clothes optional during Online Jihad.

Are you a Muslim extremist on the run? Do you not find enough time to complete your traditional duty of Jihad? Today's muslim on the run finds very little time to actually do what the mighty Allah requires of him, hurting his chances of getting to paradise where he will live forever with his 72 virgins, and no self-respecting muslim wants that!

So what can you do to make time for this ever-important right to Jihad? Follow this guide, and you will How To Online Jihad.

Online Jihad?[edit]

Online Jihad is a tool that many Muslim businessmen and workers use, because their time is so constrained by their daily activities. School, work, and smiting the infidels are all very time consuming. Muslims these days just can't commit to the hours or days even that it could take to Jihad just one thing.

Online Jihad is a very tricky business to get down, but once you master it, you will do all the Jihad-ing you want, without letting it cut into your busy lifestyle.

Aww, three generations of Muslim beauties.

Steal the Infidel's Bandwidth![edit]

The infidel's bandwidth is the most sacred of relics, making it one of the highest priorities of the successful Online Jihader. Despite being incredibly valuable, it is very easy to cripple to your liking.


Images take up tons of bandwidth. Just take that album of you and your family on your Pilgrimage to Mecca, and upload all those pictures to a fileshare website such as ImageShack. Once you have uploaded the entire album, do it again. Continue to do this several times until you receive a message that says you have been banned. You have completed your duties as a Muslim.

But if that is not good enough for you, you can use the previously uploaded images to further your Jihad-ing. The images you uploaded can be used for the next section...


Spam everything! Blogs, websites, even the Infidel's wall on Facebook! Spaming is the easiest, and least time consuming activity on the Online Jihad criteria. Spam easily pisses off the Infidels to no end, making it the most efficient form of Online Jihad.


Once you have spammed everything you can find, spam it again! Spamming is very fun for the spammer, but drives the spammee insane. So copy all of those pictures down again, and post them to everyone's wall again.

If the task of spamming becomes tedious, you should make a game out of it. See how many different things you can spam in an hour, then try to beat that record. Some Islamic internet meeting grounds can give you targets to aim for, and may even award prizes and hold weekly or monthly tournaments to see who is the greatest spammer on the Islamic internet.

Ideal avatar for Online Jihad-ing internet forums.

Destroy the Infidel's Web-Forum[edit]

The Infidel's web-forum is the land where he can roam freely, expressing his ideas about false gods and heretic scriptures. We simply cannot allow these activities to continue. The first step in destroying said web-forum in to sign up. Pick a username that has something to do with the mighty Allah or his prophet Muhammad, blessed be Muhammad. This, along with your choice of avatar will make the inhabitants of the web-forum aware of where your beliefs lie. If they do not understand you are an agent of the prophet Muhammad, they will label you as a n00b and ignore your Jihad-ings.


Just like in the last section, Spam is your most powerful weapon. Rants about how your religion is the one true religion are powerful tools, and even better, rants about how your sect of Islam are excellent tools. Nothing gets to a fundamentalist christian faster than talking about current events in Sunni culture.


Another idea for the destruction of the Infidel's web-forum, is to, once again, spam. You must understand how truly valuable spam is to your cause now, don't you? Using short messages to your advantage is crucial. Posts like 'Xmas sux!' and 'Allah would rape Jesus in a fight!' make great arguments. However you can also take advantage of various other little things that will eat away at anyone.

Saying things like 'Arabia FTW!' and 'I Iran!' will not only piss off the christians, but any American Infidels who happen to be reading the web-forum at the time. Be sure to target the Americans, recent polls show that 96% of all internet users are Americans. Those fat lazy slobs.

Do you want to add 5 inches to your Penis?[edit]

Phrases like those are very common to avid Online Jihaders. Beware! The following suggestions are only for experienced Online Jihaders, who have enough time, or computer smarts to get the necessary programs. The Email is the most secure of the targets of Online Jihad, but it also give the best awards. Prep time for assaulting the Infidels email can vary from several hours, to a couple of days.

Subscription to[edit]

The quicker way to your goal is to sign up to, which will automatically use your e-mail to mass mail hundreds of thousands of Infidels. The Koran does not specifically say anything against this form of Online Jihad, however most modern day Islamic leaders frown upon the practice. They feel that it is a cheaters way to get quick Jihad points with Allah, and has been confirmed to lower your virgin count from 72, to 36. It is strongly suggested you take route 2 for assaulting the Infidel's email, which is, of course...



Need it be explained? Spam is, of course the most valuable asset in your arsenal. The downfall to spamming email is, you must actually find enough email addresses to spam. 1 or 2 is definitely not enough. You must spam at least 20 email addresses to achieve the Jihad status.

Further Reading[edit]

The suggestions above are mere guidelines, and definitely are not the only choices that you can use. Various Islamic web forums give good ideas that you can try out for yourself, and if you choose to, you can even create your own methods to share with others.

Online Jihad is only one in several Islamic duties now available on the Internet. Online Fatwas are becoming increasingly popular among the Internet-savvy Muslim. Try visiting a Cyber Islamic Environment to meet and chat with other Muslims about various things that Muslims enjoy, like complaining about Infidels, praising Allah, and fasting during the period of Ramadan.