- You may be looking for The Republican Party and not even know it!
- Oh, hell. You may be looking for any Goddamned Religion and not even know it!(No pun intended.)
“Joining one is as easy as drinking a syringe full of grape-flavored Flavor Aid!”
“A cult is any religion that isn't ours.”
Cult is a term loosely circumscribing any religion too poor to afford an organ or piano for hymns. The term is also sometimes used to describe religions that have leaders, such as Catholicism, the Republican Party or Wikipedia, even if those religions can afford an organ or piano.
Cults are often misunderstood. Most cults are attempting to do good, while simultaneously functioning as a Ponzi Scheme or a tax shelter. The best cult is Cult Jack on Facebook.
Cults are also often mixed up with other entities, such as Fascist governments, Matt Groening, the Jonas Brothers, or apparel lines aimed at teens, such as Aeropostale.
How to tell if your church is actually a cult
To quote the words of Stephen Colbert: "If you have ever asked yourself if you're in a cult, the answer is yes". However if you are still not sure, here are some warning signs:
- Does your church call itself the "Church of [INSERT LONG ASS FUCKING NAME RIGHT HERE]"? For example, the Church of the Latter-Day New Orleans Saints: does that sound like a real church to you?!
- Does your church regularly use a guitar during services, and not just to be hip to the young people?
- Does your church follow a leader who wears a funny hat of any type?
- Are the females of your church encouraged to please your leader by removing juice from a tube with their mouth?
- Do other members of the church call your leader "The Leader"? You may not be in a cult. You may just be working at Apple.
- Does your church make you chant a mantra over and over again? You may just be at an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting. If so, please consider asking for a suicide pill should they run out of donuts before they run out of coffee and cigarettes.
- Does your church worship a gold statue of Chuck Norris that the merest look at causes you to be magically roundhouse kicked? then it's not a cult, it's just really FREAKIN' AWESOME!
- Does your church tell you lies while continuously asking for your money? This is also a good way to tell if it is a church.
- Do you know the first rule of Project Mayhem? Good work. Not quite a cult. It's just a passing phase. You'll eventually grow up and get a job. Although, like it or not, Robert Paulson is dead.
- Is your church a church? If so, it's definitely a cult.
- Does your minister believe that in order to have salvation, you must fire a laser out of a giant mechanical ring in space that will destroy the universe? Then you must be a member of the Protestant church
- Do they all wear Snuggies and admit to being in the church?
How to tell if you're not in a cult
I hate to disappoint you, but you're probably not in a cult right now. Sometimes, you're going to feel like you're in a cult, but when the meeting's over, you're just going to walk behind the building, burn a joint and go back to downloading porn.
However, in the spirit of due diligence, please ponder this:
- Does your church have symbols with spooky shit on them, like floating eyes above pyramids? Well, you're not in a cult. Around these parts, we just consider that a form of government.
- Does your wife constantly prattle on about the Mark of the Beast? If so, you're probably just a fucking Envagelical Christian, which is like the little brother with Down's Syndrome to a cult.
- When you wake up, do you crave the supple bodies of teenage virgin bride slaves? Well, you totally wouldn't have that problem... if you were in a cult! Dumbass.
- When you read the Bible, do you immediately turn on CNN to see if you can spot something happening from the Book of Revelations? Nigga pleeeeease! That's just life after September 11th.
What to do if you are a member of a cult?
First, evaluate the pros and cons.
- Does your church encourage sex with multiple teenage brides? Has potential. Let's see how this pans out.
- Does The Leader hog the best teenage brides and leave you with the butterface teenage brides? Time to leave... or kill and eat The Leader and... BECOME THE LEADER!!! Oh, wait... that's Klingons, not cults... fuck. So close, man. So fucking close.
- Does your church own an arsenal of weapons that suggests The Leader played Doom 3 one too many times? Fuck yeah!
- Is your church leader Britney Spears? Or does he/she/it like Britney? You win some, you lose some.
- Does being massacred by the United States government bother you? Pussy. Suck it up. Take one for the team.
- Are there enough teenage virgins in the church to perhaps build a human shield that you could use to absorb tank rounds while fleeing the burning compound? Stick around. Could be a book deal when it's over.
- Does the church have positive cash flow, a low debt load, a weak valuation against future predicted worth and a moderate P/E ratio? Value investing says you should stay put.
- Do you think the Kool-Aid Man is off the hiz-ook? Of course he is. Moot question.
- Does your church require you to cut off your penis before you can ascend to the alien's flying saucer full of Eternal Bliss? Woah! Stop the fucking projector right there, Tyler Durden!
How do you get out?
Please contact tech support, using the following phone number: 1-866-545-1234. Tech support is open from 9am to 5pm Pacific Time, Monday through Friday.
Another idea would be to either press control+alt+delete or trying to find the lucrative escape key...
No, seriously! How the fuck do I get out?
Ask The Leader. He knows all. He cares for you. He will guide you toward His Truth. Have no fear. The Leader loves all his Blessed Creatures1.
- 1 Except moths.
The Leader wishes to see you in private.
Where's that suicide pill?
The Leader has it. Go to him.
Accepting your fate, and totally learning to love The Leader
Understand: you live in a society already run by leaders who have you repeat mantras. "I Pledge Allegiance"? What's that shit? To a flag? Bah! To a fuckin' cult!
"The Uncola"? Also a cult!
"That damn Wikipedia"? Cult.
"A Diamond is Forever"? Cult.
"Army of One"? Cult.
The Meow Mix song? Nah... that's just selling cat food.
Look... if it's any easier, The Leader has a nice family already arranged for you. They're way better than your original family. I mean, shit, if the old lady doesn't do the dishes, you don't even have to bitch slap her!! Just tell the Leader, and that bitch will be thrown into a rape circle faster than you can say, "Abu Ghraib".
It's better this way. For example, outside the compound, you had to worry about work. Here? Shit, all you have to do is give the leader all your credit cards and the fucking Pyramid Scheme we're running does the rest!
What about Dawkinism?
Goin' to hell. Like fucking duh! As if. Nuff said.
Do we hate the Jews?
No. That's Osama's job. Right now, we have to help the Jews by building Israel. Why? Well, see, it goes like so... if Israel catches fire and begins to burn high enough, God will totally see it and want to come make Smores with us.
Don't you wanna have Smores with God? Of course you do. What kind of chicken shit question is that, anyways?
Well, shape up. Because our cult loves God's chosen people.
So, do you have anything to drink?
Thought you'd never ask. Here, have some refreshing Kool-Aid. Now, let's start reviewing the rules for Project Mayhem again.
- Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
- Dragon Age
- Hannah Montana
- Heaven's Gate
- Jim Jones
- Political parties
- The Polyphonic Spree
- Sound Is Compressed; Words Rebel And Hiss