HowTo:Hate the British

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Britain - the Whore of Babylon

The evil overlord of the British empire herself, here, seen gloating after finishing a fine meal of baby kittens and ducklings.

So, you've finally come around to seeing the light. You've had enough of the swarmy island nation and their Queen. The tyranny of these so called "people" has irked you for the last time. You are now ready to categorically hate all things British.

Brits. Brits are horrible people, not even native to their own land, who for centuries have found it necessary to invade other areas of the world, infect the indigenous people with smallpox, enslave the native population, and force them to use their language. Some would say that the British do have some redeeming qualities; these people should be summarily shot on sight.

Now that you have decided to hate the British, you've taken the first step. Following this simple guide will instill in you enough British hatred to make George Washington himself look like a pussy.

Step One - Know Your Enemy

While it may seem ridiculous to learn as much as you can about someone you are supposed to hate, it is actually pertinent to hating them with as much vigor as possible. Specifically, you will need to learn everything you can about what the nasty, devilish British people have done to your specific Geo-Political group. This is rather simple for someone from America, South Africa, India, or France. If you are from, say...well, I can't really think of a country the British haven't totally fucked over. Of course, your humble author is American, which explains a lot.[1]

As depicted in this photo from South Africa, just about every area that the English scourge has set foot has endured some sort of resultant racial segregation. This can be a valuable source of your hate for the British.

You will want to start with a complete historical breakdown of all interactions your country or nationality has had with the Intergalactic British Empire. You may want to consult wikipedia, your country's national archives, any Captain America comic book, or have a telephone interview with Ted Nugent. Ted is well known for his hatred of anything un-American, and the British are especially un-American.

Once you have done this, compile a list of things you hate about the British relevant to the horrific acts they have carried out against your people. You don't want to look like an ignorant racist, so be specific. An example for Americans would look something like this (abridged):

The Stamp Act, The Boston Massacre, Valley Forge, Benedict Arnold, King George, Taxation without Representation, Fish and Chips, Poor Dental Hygiene, Croquet, Cricket, their stupid accent, The Battle of Lexington and Concord, The War of 1812, Calculus, Rolls Royce, using dumb words like "flat" for their house, and "boot" for the trunk of their car, price fixing in the Cotton Industry during the 1800's, the burning of Washington, D.C., the Beatles, Winston Churchill, killing Humpty Dumpty, calling cookies "biscuits", bombarding the world with tabloid news about their so called "royal" family, pursuing the pirate Jack Sparrow, BBC, and powdered wigs.

Seriously, Calculus? Screw you guys, Calculus freakin' sucks. The whole world should hate you for inventing Calculus alone.

As you can see, you should be able to compile a rather extensive list of reasons to hate the British regardless of your nationality. The key to the list though is fully knowing the background of the British irreverence towards your people or culture, and being able to convey a short, concise message detailing glaring instances of British impropriety. This is imperative if you are going to convince your audience to join you on your drunken odyssey of British hate.

If you are ever having a problem coming up with something quick to insult a Brit about, you can always rely on your superior heterosexuality and point out the fact that your people don't look like this.

Step Two - Get genuine hate in your heart

This is harder than it sounds. In order to get genuine, blind hatred in your heart for the British, you're going to have to meditate on your hatred for them. There are several useful exercises in developing your hatred for the British:

Drunken Hate - the Mel Gibson method

Drunken Hate- It is sometimes useful to get a bottle of Old Crow Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey and let its fiery spirit spark in you an almost incomprehensible amount of hate for the British. Often, you will want to do this while watching some truly patriotic film, such as Mel Gibson's "The Patriot", or "Braveheart". These films accurately portray the British as literal spawns of Satan, and the bourbon you are drinking will most assuredly set your heart on the proper path of hatred for the British. It is widely speculated that Mel Gibson uses this method himself in cajoling his seemingly illogical hate for various ethnic groups. Be careful with this method though, as is the case with Mel Gibson, if you don't have a coherent reason for your hate, you may be confused with a racist.

Gibson is a clear example of why you need an intelligible principle to found your hate upon. You never want to be labeled a racist.

Group Hate - the Fox News method

Group Hate- Some individuals feel the best method for developing hatred for any ethnic group is an idea called Group Hate. In Group Hate, you join together with other like minded individuals and help each other develop your hatred of, in this case, the British. This method has been useful in the past for such groups as the Ku Klux Klan, Nazis, the Republican Party, Fox News, and the Catholic Church. This method is also effective in developing propaganda and recruiting mechanisms to further the group's hate of a particular people or nation. Again, be careful with this method as you run the risk of being labeled an "extremist group" or a "hatemonger".

Religious Hate - the Bin Laden method

Religious Hate- This is one of the most difficult methods employed by historic haters to develop a hate. Probably the most notorious Religious Haters are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or Mormons. In this method, you literally start a religion under some historically acceptable pretenses, recruit members to the religion, and then establish your teachings to persecute an ethnic group, nation, people, or multiple people groups. Muslims have also employed these methods with great success, labeling most of the western world as infidels doomed for hell. The great part about this method is that if people do not adopt your hate, you have the ability to label them as "sinners". As well, most governments recognize freedom of religion, therefore, your group will be protected in its hatred of the British. The downside to this method is it takes a lot of research and process building, as well as recruiting and ceremonial functions. These activities, while useful in developing hate, take away time from other hateful activities that could be more fun or endearing, such as TP'ing Buckingham Palace.

Step Three - Employ your new found hate for the British

At this point, you have developed a cohesive, intelligible hate for the British, and you have sewn its' seeds in your heart, where it is now blossoming into a vibrant Tree of Hate. Now is the time for you to spread your hate, and let the world, and especially Brits know your disdain for their very existence. Below are several detailed methods on employing your hate for the British, but it should be noted, the most effective hate methods are those that are grown from your own desire to hate the British, employing a novel method that will gain you notoriety amongst various haters.

Effigy Burning - the Sinead O'Connor method

Sir Walter Raleigh, a well known pornographer, is widely regarded as the source of the Human Papilloma Virus.

Effigy Burning is the act of burning in effigy some symbol of the British people, such as a picture of the Queen, the Prime Minister, John Cleese, or Sir Walter Raleigh. You may also wish to simply burn the Union Jack in your local village square, while denouncing the British empire as a "Den of Demons". If you are in America, you are in luck, as the Supreme Court has decided that these activities are "constitutionally protected speech". Texas v. Johnson, 491 U.S. 397 (1989). If you reside in a different jurisdiction, you may wish to consult your local rules and ordinances on flag or effigy burning before engaging in the described activities.

Hateblogging - the Perez Hilton method

Hateblogging is a rather simple way of demonstrating your hate to a wide audience, at a relatively low cost. You may simply wish to ramble on about your hatred, quote strange scientific studies that prove the British people's inferiority to all other known races, as well as dolphins, or you may simply wish to report on current news of interest and encourage lively discussion relevant to the topic. Such ideas for this could be articles like Who gives a s#it what Kate Middleton wore to dinner yesterday? or Fact or Fiction: The Queen feasts on the souls of small Arabic children to sustain her incomprehensible longevity. Use your imagination in this area, as the possibilities are endless.

Prince Charles, the prick son of a...sorry, the next despot of England, seen here after a bout of group sex with the Octomom, Guy Ritchie, that black guy on Walking Dead that died (shocker), and the entire cast of Jersey Shore. We all thank the cast of Jersey Shore for taking one for the team, and infecting Prince Charles with the cornucopia of STD's they are all carrying. Hats off to you.

Public Ridicule - the American way

Possibly the most widely utilized and easiest method of hating is public ridicule. This is a method Americans learn at a very early age in the school yard. If there is something different about a person, you point it out, make fun of it, try to damage the person's standing within the larger social setting, and once successful, the ridiculer convinces the larger social setting that the difference in the said person is to be ridiculed, and by not ridiculing the difference, you are condoning it, and will be labeled as a "pariah" along with the ridiculed. The ultimate goal of public ridicule is to induce a deep depression in the said individual, resulting in their suicide. Sometimes, individuals refer to this as "bullying", although bullying would denote some form of physical contact or threat thereof.

The Boston Massacre was started when small children threw snowballs at battle-hardened British "Redcoats". The British Infantry turned on the unruly children with muskets and bayonets, summarily murdering all 7,000 children in front of their weeping parents, who were shackled to donkeys a few yards away in the courtyard.

In order to employ public ridicule against the British, you will first want to gather other like minded Brit-haters, and then go to a public setting where British people are known to frequent. As an American, it is difficult for me to think like a demonic Brit, but from what I understand, these individuals are known to watch soccer frequently, drink tea, drink warm beer in pubs, go to book signings of J.K. Rowling, drive on the wrong side of the road, and watch public executions of pirates, rebels, and distinguished authors. There are unsubstantiated claims that they may possibly attend a church in Des Moines, Iowa run by Russell Brand, where they can peacefully sacrifice doves and llamas to their god Arawn, druid god of the dead.

You will want to be careful in employing this method in large broods of Brits. They will undoubtedly turn to their thuggish and heathen ways and gang up on you if they are in large numbers.[2]

Now go hate a Brit

Well, now you are well on your way to effectively hating the British. Just remember to be original, and be ruthless. Hating Brits is a long and hard road, but it is also a rewarding one. If you hone your hating skills you too can be as effective a Brit hater as any other Brit hater out there, earning your own notoriety for your Brit hating prowess. Now get out there and burn a Union Jack, clothesline a guy riding a Triumph motorcycle, pour sugar in the gas tank of an Aston-Martin DB7, or tape pictures of Prince Charles to urinal cakes. The sky is truly the limit.