HowTo:Catch a predator

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This page is about the HowTo Article. For the TV Show, see To Catch a Predator.

Why Teenagers?

To catch a sexual predator is not an easy task. Most young teenage boys and girls are reluctant to give up their source of adult booty. Some teens see banging an adult as a sort of prize or trophy, likewise as an adult sees banging the young, provocative flesh of an adolescent boy or girl as the sweetest, most delicious nectar that can be obtained. The consequences for obtaining the precious, baby soft warmth of a teenager can be as minimal as a high five to as severe as the death penalty.

This is one reason why. Got to have that cherry pie.

Let’s face it. Teenagers are more horny, willing, & plentiful than adults are. It is also a matter of the human anatomy. The fact is that after the teenager’s 18th birthday, the female Skene’s gland and the male prostate secretions turn to a bitter taste making oral sex between two otherwise healthy adults very unpleasant. Being that the teen has not fully developed physically, their receptors that decipher bitterness are unaffected from the bitter taste of the reproductive glands due to immature taste buds. For men, it can also be due to the fact that the younger body frame reminds them of an old fling or that they never were laid as an adolescent. For women, it is mostly because adult men like to follow the "Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am" and "One Night Stand" policies, which results in a very unfulfilled and unsatisfied woman.

Bait Them

Figure A. Click on the image, print, and cut out. Instant teen girl.

To catch a predator you must have a computer, access to the internet, some sort of messenger service, and a sexy screen name. Examples of useful screen names are:

• LuvU4s3x
• SpreadMyHotButter69
• NotACop_Badge#324
• Cockfetish1994
• ~*XXX_naked_horny_teen_ISO_perverted_old_person_XXX*~

With your sexy screen name registered, it is time to lure the predator out of lurking from the chat room into an IM (instant message). Find some pictures of a sexy teen on Google and post it on your profile. Be sure to print out the image in Figure A for the confrontation with the predator. Seeing how teenagers cannot read and write well, you will have to type as if you cannot either. Here are some translations:

• You = U, For = 4, And = N, In real life = irl, Oh my God = omg, Laugh out loud = lol, Roll on the floor laughing = rofl, Got to go = G2G/GTG. For a broader variety of their complicated language, refer here.

Once you are in the IM, tell the predator that you are lonely, your parents are gone for the weekend, anything that you yourself would want to hear from a young, succulent teen. The predator will most likely ask if you are a cop. Always respond with "r u 4real lol no im 14 <3". Give the predator your home address so the final trap can be set.

Set the Trap

This 12 year old girl was dumped by her 12 year old boyfriend for cartoons. She is in search of a man that won't leave her for cartoons.

Get some rope and tie it to a log to create a battering ram and set it up at your front door. Obtain some sharp pieces of wood and attach them to a flexible board that will strike the predator upon crossing a trip wire. Use grenade launcher rounds to construct exploding arrowheads. Then, dig a hole in the middle of your living room and put long wooden spikes at the bottom to ensure that the predator will become immobile upon falling in. Finally, let out your best war cry to alert the predator that you are ready to initiate mating.

The Interrogation

When you have the predator inside, act as if you are going to go get something in another room and will be back in a minute. Take off your clever disguise that you have printed out from Figure A and return with a list of questions and scripts of your chat with the predator. Here is one of the many conversations that have been obtained:

 An Interview With A Sexual Predator 

The famous interrogation. The rare and elusive female predator. Chris Hansen: What are you doing here? Predator: I came to get laid, homes! Chris Hansen: Who are you here to meet and how did you meet them? Predator: This fine ass 14-year-old girl. Her body is kicking. Yo, I met her on the internet. Chris Hansen: How often do you meet up with 14-year-old girls? Predator: As often as possible, I can't get enough of their sweet cherry pie! Chris Hansen:Cherry pie? Could you explain this to me? Predator: All you need is 1 recipe pastry for a 9 inch (22.9 cm) single crust pie, 2 ½ cups (591.5 milliliters) of pitted sour cherries, ¾ cup (177.45 milliliters) white sugar, 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour, 1 tablespoon (14.79 milliliters) of butter, & 1 pinch of salt. Line a 9 inch pie plate with pastry. Mix sugar, flour, and salt; toss with cherries, mixing well. Pour cherry filling into pie shell, and dot with butter or margarine. Weave strips of pastry into a lattice top. Bake at 400 °F (205 °C) for 40 minutes., dawg. Chris Hansen: Do you know the consequences of your actions? Predator: I get a head job and tear that pussy up, yo! Chris Hansen: How do you find them? I have a hard time on Yahoo due to all the bots. Predator: Listen, you have to just lurk in the background. If anyone types in the main chat area then they are a bot. You have to find the quiet ones, B. Chris Hansen: Did you send her any pictures or webcam videos? Predator: Oh yeah, I sent her pictures of my dick and masturbated for her on webcam, skeet skeet skeet! Chris Hansen: Isn't it inappropriate for a 14 year-old teen to be subjected to viewing pictures of your genitalia? Predator: Have you ever seen what they show on the Discovery Health Channel? It came with the children's package deal with my cable subscription. Chris Hansen: What do you thinks going to happen to you now? Predator: I's going to knock her boots, ya feeling me? Chris Hansen: Do you ever watch Dateline NBC's: To Catch a Predator? Predator: ... No... Why? Do they gots some fine hos to hookup on there too? Chris Hansen: Will you ever do this again? Predator: Fo'Shizzle!

Now What?

After you have caught your predator, the humane thing to do is to let it loose back into the wild so it can continue its search for cherry pie. There is a predator within us all and in the end; you are just setting yourself up. Help us save the predator from extinction by donating an old computer, old webcams, your adolescent kids, but most importantly your money to the Save the Predator Foundation.

See Also

• Uncyclopedia:Sex Offender Registry
• Sexuality
• Oscar Wilde
• Woody Allen
• Teenagers
• Priest
• Yahoo
• AIM
• MSN
• UnNews:Host of NBC's "To Catch a Predator" arrested for attempted rape of a minor

External Links

• Debra Lafave, a fine piece of work.
• Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator
• Actual Video of the Predator Getting Busted