HowTo:Become a Playboy Bunny
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So, you want to become a Playboy Bunny and have Googled your career ambitions which have brought you to this article. Well, you certainly have set your aspirations high. Not every woman has what it takes to become a Playboy Bunny. Do you have the drive and desire to take yourself from your work-a-day life to the ultimate glamour that is Hugh Hefner pawing at your supple skin? Do you have the stamina that it takes to participate in endless nude pillow fights, and the skins that one must need to perform naked on a trampoline?
I thought you didn’t when I first laid eyes on you. So let’s begin right away because you are going to take a lot of work and time is money, savvy?
OK, lets start by standing up, shoulders squared back, stomach in and chin out. If you are in a motorized Jazzy Chair, this first exercise has eliminated you from this job classification and you may stop reading now and return to your golden years.
Now that you are standing erect, remove your shlong from your trousers. If you have done so, you too have been eliminated from applying at the Playboy Mansion, as being a Playboy Bunny is a position that is held exclusively by women.
If you are still standing and your breast are lower than your stomach, or your nipples are pointing at your feet, you too may sit down as the Playboy Mansion has no swimsuits which possess the type of suspension system that your pendulous mammaries would require to make them perky.
By law, the there is no maximum age requirement to become a Playboy Bunny, but if you are older than 26, then you really are too old to frolic about and run amuck as required, so you too may sit down.
If you are between the ages of 18 and 25, have hair that bounces and behaves, all of your teeth, an hourglass figure, your hymen is intact and a love of kittens, welcome to your interview.
If you have made it this far, congratulations. You’ll need to prepare for your interview and audition.
For your interview, think about:
- Why you love (but are not in love with) Hugh Hefner.
- What is it about him that is a turn on?
- What is it about him that make him so appealing (HINT: Not his money), so vital?
- How you will give yourself to him so he has the delight of breaking your hymen?
- What are your hopes for bringing peace to the peoples of the world?
- How you understand that no one woman can have Hef for her very own because that would be selfish to all of your hutchmates.
For your audition be prepared to take the following tests of skill and agility:
- Topless pillow fight (HINT: be playful – this about bonding with your sister hutchmates, not about cleaning their clocks)
- Topless pillow fight on a trampoline (HINT: know when to stop bouncing – when a girl stops bouncing, her sister hutchmates should also stop bouncing because it is a invitation to playful wrestling.)
- Chicken fights in the pool (HINT: The point is not knock the other players over, but to remove their bikini top)
- Demonstrate the ability to give CPR as a result of your stunning beauty, childlike sexuality or stamina (HINT: Do not break Hef's sternum, this would be a very bad thing)
Those who interview with Playboy organization for the coveted role of Bunny also receive special bonus points in their interview if they are innocent, nubile, childlike and have made sure that the “carpet” matches the “drapes”.
On site and in bed
If you do make it to being a bunny for Hef, remember that your job now is to have fun while being part of Hef’s harem. You may or may not be selected to share his bed.
If you are not selected, you may pout for about a minute, but not much longer. A short pout represents disappointment. Pouting longer than one minute is a pain for everyone to deal with.
If you feel that the Hutch is being reviewed for his pleasure, it is best to play the role of “Sexual Awakening”. For this, you will need to discover something about yourself that is erotic. For example, you may discover that you have a nipple erection, and that swirling it with your finger moistened with a bit of your saliva feels good in an odd, unexplainable way, causing you to pursue your full, bee stung lips and softly coo “oooh!”
Before you know it, you will be Hef’s Playmate of the Moment!
If you are chosen, remember to keep your “Footloose and Fancy Free” attitude about you. Your side of the bed is on top, or underneath of Hef. If you and Hef have sexual intercourse, you job will be to orgasm (pretend or real) before he has a heart attack. In the event that he does have a heart attack, remember the CPR training that you had back at the YMCA. Hef’s turn “ons” include fun and frolic. His turn-offs are bad vibrations and insecurity.
You may also be chosen to participate in a three way with another Bunny. If this is the case, you will need to dial-up your bi-sexual desires.
Knowing when to leave
Bunnies have a relatively short life cycle at the hutch. If you do not get chosen to be a Playmate of the month, or asked to do a front magazine layout (which is kind of a b-side assignment), your final hope would be as back magazine spread, which means that you would share the photographers lens with a very good looking, very gay, man as one of Playboy's Loving Couples. They use gay men because an erection in Playboy is a big no-no: erections are for the Playboy readers and the last thing that a Playboy reader wants to see when they are whacking off is a guy in a photo shoot getting a boner. If you have a fear of horses, get over it fast because every Loving Couple rides a horse in the nude, bareback.
If you are chosen for neither of the above mentioned spreads, and you fail to interest Hef beyond toss in the bed a time of two, its time to go. Pack up your g-string, steal an ash tray as a memento and remember the send off that your other Hutchmates give you as you reenter the real world and look forward to your next career as a pole dancer, super model or trophy wife.