Hell desk

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Helen hexamines a handset for herpes

A hell desk is basically a call centre full of bitchy operators (called "associates") who act as babysitters for people who are too stupid to figure out how to use a computer.

The Hell Desk Associates are not given a computer, and have to walk the customer through a maze of menus just to solve a simple problem. Usually these are problems that someone with an IQ over 60 can figure out on their own. The Hell Desk Associates have to use the RTFM method to make sure that the customer knows what to do.

Sadly, it is found that Hell Desk Associates can be hired for less money in India and other nations, for the fraction of the salary of bitchy operators in the USA, UK and other nations. The only difference seems to be that these Hell Desk Associates speak with a much better and clearer accent.

Origin of Hell Desk[edit]

The origins of Hell Desk are vague, but many $cientologists believe that Hell Desk may have started when the first caveman could not remove a bone from his hair. As he writhed on the ground, the other cavepersons stood around waiting to cannibalize him once he died of convulsions.

Hearing the commotion, Satan sent his angel, Barbara Bush, to see if he could speed up dinner. Herr Bush grunted questions unrelated to the problem at hand. When the incapacitated caveman was unable to answer fast enough, Herr Bush grunted rude and unhelpful suggestions to the delight of the cave onlookers. Finally the caveman gave up and went bald.

As technology advanced, so did the fledgeling Hell Desk.

Location of Hell Desk[edit]

Hell or Afghanistan, depends on who you ask

Originally Hell Desk was located in a cave in the Tora Bora region
of Afghanistan, but had to move to a bigger location to accommodate
the increased work load.

Currently, Hell Desk is in the 666th Circle of Hell,
Hell's Most Popular Tourist Destination.

Technological Advances Attributed to Hell Desk[edit]

  • sarcasm
  • on-hold music
  • touch-tone routing systems (Press '1' for English, etc.)
  • Government Paperwork
  • the exasperated sigh
  • databases
  • spyware
  • the annoyed sequential finger tap (pinky, ring, middle then index fingers over and over and over again)
  • Voice-Mail Hell
  • the dial tone
  • exclusionary lists that include loopholes (ie: The do-not-call lists that all businesses are supposed to honor, but telemarketers are exempt from.)
  • the "bullshit" cough
  • personality tests
  • The "I an't He r Y u Phone", a device that only breaks up when not in tunnels
  • The Translator Phone, a device that automatically changes the language of the person talking into a language the person listening does not understand.
  • The Slippery Slope, a phone that only rings when a person is seated on the toilet or taking a bath.
  • The Mealtime Interruptor T.A.K., a phone that alerts Hell Desk when you are having dinner, so an Associate can call and talk to you about your long-distance service.
  • The AT-5000, an auto-dialer that lazy Hell Desk Associates use to do their job for them.
  • drive-thru speaker boxes
  • the NYC subway PA System

Hell Desk Associates[edit]

Hell Desk Associates are known for their cool, calculating manner and skill at abruptly defeating their conversational opponent. It is believed that of the 72 Virgins reserved in Hell for suicide bombers 71 of them are Hell Desk Associates.

  • Qualities Necessary for a Good Hell Desk Associate:
  1. glib
  2. bitchy
  3. impatient
  4. snotty
  5. rude
  6. whore-like
  7. be born with a stick up one's ass or elect to have one surgically implanted
  • Becoming a Hell Desk Associate

Since, the main office is in Hell, the candidate must first be dead. Once dead, the candidate must then fill out applications in triplicate, and toss a few salads before they are even considered for an audition.

  • Hell Desk Associate Audition

The audition process should be quite familiar to anyone who has ever performed for a job. The Audition Couch used for Hell Desk Associates' Auditions has been declared a Supernatural Historical Landmark by Satan His Own Bad Self.

  • Training to be a Hell Desk Associate

There are many skills a Hell Desk Associate must master before being unleashed on an unsuspecting public.

  1. chew gum loudly
  2. ignore a ringing phone
  3. ignore a call on hold
  4. ask vague and increasingly detailed questions on any given topic
  5. do two things simultaneously: one of which should be to ignore person yelling in your ear, the other is whatever you choose to do in order to ignore said person yelling in your ear.
  6. take a break
This is not Katie Holmes
  • Levels of Hell Desk Associate

Perfecting their skills will allow a Hell Desk Associate to move up the ladder to Suck Cess.

  1. Emo
  2. Minion
  3. Biatch
  4. Rectum in Human Form
  5. Fire-Breathing Whore
  6. Celebrity
  7. $cientologist

It should be noted that Celebrity Level, and $cientologist Level Hell Desk Associates are immune from death and can move between The Underworld and Hollywood without paying any duties or tolls. They can bypass the full body cavity search and do not have to be a suicide bomber's "Heavenly Reward."

Famous Hell Desk Associates[edit]

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION NUMBNUTS!?! Didn't mommy and daddy teach you that is NOT a coffee cup holder!?
Ach mein Gott im Himmel! Zere is no "Any Key", just press one ov zee buttons, dumbkopf!!!
  1. Helen (pictured at top of page) (Level 8)
  2. Hitler (pictured at left) (Level 8)
  3. Jerry Falwell (Level 6)
  4. Tina Fey (Level 6)
  5. Barbara Bush (Level 5)
  6. Ann Coulter (Level 4)
  7. Tom Cruise (Level 7, and not gay)
  8. The All-Knowing Oprah and Her Bad Self (Level 6)
  9. Jebus (Level 1)
  10. Lancome Woman (Level 5)
  11. That British Guy Who Mumbles (Level 2)
  12. Your Mom (Level 3)
  13. R. Lee Ermey (pictured at right) (Level 6)
  14. Paris Hilton Hitler (Level -914826582745)

Industries That Employ Hell Desk Associates[edit]

  1. long-distance operators
  2. international operators
  3. 4-11 operators
  4. right-wing radio talk shows phone screeners
Internets Providers
  1. AOL
  2. Dell
  3. Microsoft

  • Big Brother
  1. FEMA
  2. NSA
  3. FAA
  4. IRS
  5. DMV
  6. On-Star
  7. Fox News
  8. $cientology
  • Killers Who Stalk Babysitters