Dragon Age II
Dragon Age II AKA "Drag Queen Age 2" is a Japanese text-adventure visual novel of the eroge genre, and the gay sequel to Dragon Age: Origins. You play as Hawke, a depressed illegal immigrant/centrist who finds himself and his family stuck in the middle of a maelstrom of political upheaval after having been deported to a country with a wall.
After battling hoards of Dykespawn and settling into the city-state of Cuntwall, Hawke finds himself swept up in the brewing storm of gay rights, Islam, abortion, and bathroom policy; he quickly learns that being a fence-sitting dumb-ass will solve nothing and is forced to choose a side. It was released in March 2011 for Gaystation 3, Sexbox 3-Shitty, Sega Saturn, Atari Jaguar and PC despite it originally being developed for the Commodore 64.
Prologue
The game/story opens up with a midget being dragged into an underground sex dungeon by a burly male female dominatrix Mormon Church interrogator. The midget is bribed with vodka and porn and relates the tale;
The story (as told by the midget) follows Hawke, a drag queen pariah fleeing his hometown illegal sanctuary city of Loathering due to being an undocumented resident illegal alien , and while fleeing meets a female to male transsexual named Aveline or "Abe" (as he prefers it) and his "husband" fighting more dykespawn. Along the way he is saved from the horde by a drag sorceress named Phlegm and he/she offers to fly Hawke and his friends to safety if he agrees to smuggle some cocaine in his anus, knowing that he is an undocumented worker illegal alien and was probably already smuggling drugs anyway.
After arriving in the city of Cuntwall, Hawke and his friends get jobs working for a drug cartel and manage to earn enough white privilege money to enter the city and live with their abusive, alcoholic, pedophile-inclined, chronic gambling, prostitute beating, drug-addicted uncle in a shack in the city's slums (yay for privilege!)
Story & Plot
Like its predecessor the story revolves heavily around sex and the use of mind-altering and psychedelic drugs in order to gain access to the fade and to talk to dead celebrities, as well as acts of political lesbianage.
In Act 1, in order to get out of the slums and away from his molestery uncle, Hawke must secure a large sum of cash and undertakes various odd jobs around Cuntwall (such as prostitution, dealing drugs, corralling drag queens, and reading to the deaf) in order to satisfy the attention of a midget mafia don, in the end they all end up getting jobs at walmart in order to make ends meet.
Later Hawke brings his sister or brother (whomever did not die of contracting AIDS in Lothering) to the dykespawn-infested deep roads underground. Eventually Hawke & friends discover some ancient blighted cocaine and the Mafia midget turns on Hawke and his brother, locking them in a room filled with all sorts of bling, pimp chalices, gold bars, jewels, and the originally lost Kardashian sex tape. After getting some help from Indiana Jones and a confused warlock, Hawke and friends manage to escape the underground and return to Cuntwall.
In Act 2, tensions are rising between the communist islamic elf/rhinos and the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints and the inactive bisexual-count, who refuses to grant the Mexicans amnesty while the Gay-Lesbian wars are happening.
Matters only worsen when the mormons abduct the Bisexual-count's S-J-W son and murder him in a plot to frame the islamic rhinos. This angers the leader of the communist/islamic Rhinos who kills the Bi-Count for being a "cuck". Hawke and friends rush to the Bi-count's Keep to free the brainwashed captives, but learn that the real reason the communist rhinos are invading is because someone stole their leader's diary which had very angry, sexually-explicit fantasies involving Justin Bieber and a zucchini.
Later in Act 3 Cuntwall has no leadership and tensions between the Alt-Right and the Leftists has boiled over with the latter taking control of the city and enforcing martial law; severely hampering the addicts' supply of porn, crack and anime. Eventually Hawke is called in to mediate things and his gay/schizophrenic roommate blows up the local LDS church for no reason because they do not allow gays. A lot of people are pissed off to the point of rioting in the streets, complaining on yelp and joining the Church of Satan in protest. The champion is forced to pick a side but regardless of which side he chooses, he is forced to lipsync against the alt-right Kekistani leader and the deranged Gundam-mecha driving Leftist leader, who is high off blighted cocaine.
Main Characters
- Ethan Hawke
Voiced by James Woods
The Hero of the story; Hawke or "cum dumpster" as he wishes to be called, is a perpetual fence-sitting 'undecided voter' and mediocre drag queen with very poor fashion sense from the bottom of the lowest common denominator. He becomes uncontrollably suicidal after his dog of 10 years breaks up with him and he needs to be consoled by a midget with beer. he has the power to summon an inflatable blow-up dog in combat and can freely change genders at will by simply tucking his penis between his legs and wearing a wig.
- Varric
Voiced by Vladimir Kulich
A midget mafia don and a poet, he runs an illegal sex-trafficking ring throughout Cuntwall and has connections within the midget underground. Several midget jihadists have taken a fatwa against him due to his blasphemous views on the Stone (religion of midgets) and religion in general. He loves blighted cocaine, beer, marijuana, hookers and does not care for Asians very much.
- Aveline
Voiced by Dom Delouise
A female-to-male post op transsexual Aveline or "Abe" as he likes to be called, joins up with Hawke while fleeing from Dykespawn with his straight husband Wesley. Unfortunately he has to kill Wesley due to him contracting a fatal and incurable STD and decides to become the guard captain of Cuntwall and accept bribes and favors in the form of pizza and liquor. He has gained a reputation for being "prejudice" as he has arrested more people of color or "POCs" in Cuntwall than any other race (according to a 2006 poll), and often guards the docks with a loaded shotgun, a 'MAGA' hat and a satirical sign exclaiming to outsiders to return to whence they came featuring Garfield the cat.
- Anders
Voiced by Don Knotts
Anders or "Fucking Psycho" is a schizophrenic cross-dresser and former gay-warden hiding out in the slums of Cuntwall. He used to be funny and liked cats but now he hates everything and blows up churches. He also used to work at Walmart and has some slight 'S-J-W' tendencies. He grew up in a strict Asian famiry, and as such had no friends (except for the ones in his head) and was not allowed to have any fun as doing homework, more homework, and not getting beaten were to be considered fun. Like most everyone else, Anders blames Ethan Hawke for his problems rather than doing the sane and rational thing of blaming and killing his parents. He is also a huge opponent of the "gay conversion bill" that the Templars have been trying to pass.
- Merrill
Voiced by Connie Chung
Merrill is a anorexic elf/hooker/pariah on the run from ancestral ghosts, who are angry at her for selling their offerings for drug money. Like most prostitutes Merrill is addicted to crack, cocaine, ecstasy, angel dust and a few non-descript fictional ones. She was kicked out of her pikey tribe for procuring large quantities of marijuana and not sharing as well as nicking some of the keeper's personal cocaine stash. Merrill is extremely jittery and twitchy and the slightest movement can send her into a chaotic frenzy of violence and cannibalism. Unlike every other companion, Merrill does not blame Ethan Hawke for her misfortune, instead she blames the Jews.
- Fenris AKA Cloud Strife
Voiced by George Takei
Fenris is a brooding, mentally-retarded emo/goth kid that was originally meant to serve as the primary protagonist of Final Fantasy XIII, but was placed in Dragon Age II when they decided that it was sexist not to have a female lead. He hates mages and loves fisting. Fenris, like Milo Yiannopoulos is a troll and an edge lord and often blurts out shocking and irrational ideas/opinions at inappropriate times in order to get a reaction from others. He often acts very pro-leftist and is greatly offended by the idea of mage freedom and openly embraces Islam. Despite having grown up and lived life thousands of miles away, Fenris blames Hawke for a majority of his problems and takes a lot of his pent-up frustration out on the homeless male prostitutes behind the tavern. He also applied to work for the Thalmor, but was turned down for being too black. Fenris is a huge proponent of the "gay conversion bill", hoping that if such a bill passes that all of the "dangerous faggots" will stop stealing his wigs.
- Isabela AKA Captain Jack Sparrow
Voiced by Cathleen Turner
A pirate captain/hooker, Isabela's ship was destroyed when she thought it was a good idea to play a game of seaside-chicken with a communist rhino dreadnought. When not ravaging the seas she is usually ravaging the bedrooms at the local bordello where she spends 90% of the game. It comes to light that she was in fact personally responsible for all of the bad things that occurred during the second act when she admits she stole the diary of the Islamic-Communist Rhinos to sell on Ebay for 100 bucks, but hey she has a nice rack and is easily the least annoying companion in the game.
- Bethany
Voiced by Fran Drescher
Bethany is Hawke's sister and a mage. She fled Lothering with her brothers and mum because of a dykespawn invasion and took a job as a hooker with her brother acting as an enforcer/pimp. She eventually either dies while down in the deep roads or after having contracted a fatal and incurable STD after propositioning many darkspawn (she had sex with an ogre), otherwise she is forced into the gay wardens or into the Alt-Right Circle-Jerk.
- Carver
Voiced by Gilbert Gottfried
Carver is Hawke's brother and an alcoholic. He turned to hard liquor after his dad died from a botched sex reassignment surgery and he blames his brother for it. If he didn't die while fleeing 'Murica Lothering, then Carver eventually joins the Gay Wardens, dies or joins the Leftist Order under Knight-Sponsor Hillary Clinton in Cuntwall, and still blames his brother for his alcoholism.
- Sebastian Vael
Voiced by French Stewart
A (closeted) gay acolyte from Spankhaven, he was molested repeatedly by all of the clergymen, which elicited no official response from the church, until one day his parents were murdered by homosexual devil-worshiping deviants and he was sent off to an LDS temple in Cuntwall, to pray the gay away. Seb is the most privileged member of Hawke's party and is a mix between an Alt-Righter and a Leftist/S-J-W, but only extremely religious. He believes in God, miracles, freedom of speech, the Easter Bunny (is actually true) and all sorts of other tall-tales and is openly Christian, unlike the majority of Cuntwall who are either Mormon or Satanist. Like Fenris, Seb has a habit of acting irrationally and saying stupid things such as "clearly the earth is flat" and "that offends me!" He mistook a missionary for a prostitute and asked an elven girl how much to watch her pee ($30 in case you're curious), and as a result everyone in Cuntwall hates him.
- Doug
Voiced by Christopher Lee
The very best companion in the game, Doug is a faithful mabari dog/hound that traveled with Hawke from Loathering into Cuntwall and acts as a bodyguard/therapist. Doug is also an experienced underground fighter and has won several MMA titles, and is regarded with high-esteem among fellow cock-fighters. He is adept at sniffing out drugs like blighted cocaine and outing gays, which is why neither the mages or templars like him and want him dead and taken several fatwas (hits) out on him.
Other Characters
- Tallis
Voiced by Ellen DeGeneres
Tallis is an openly lesbian, Islamophile who was once a member of the church of Stan in proud standing. She comes to Cuntwall seeking Hawke in order to team up and rob a gay Frenchman of his valuables, she is later revealed to be a mole for the Russians and was using Hawke to find an infinite phone book of Celebrity IPs and Addresses.
- Duke Prosper
Voiced by John Madden
Duke Prosper is the reigning duke of France, and hosts lavish orgies with gay men and expensive prostitutes to hold cheese and operate sex swings. Despite his vast wealth, luxury and "lit parties", the Duke himself is very much a "buzz killington".
- Corypheus
Voiced by Andy Dick
Corypheus was a famous beauty model back in the early days of Thedas, however he/she/it was caught using black market plastic surgery and was promptly disqualified and sealed in a fiery dark hell-void in the sky. She/He/It returns in one of the 5,000 EA-commissioned DLC that is required to be bought in order to advance the story.
Corypheus is the ELDER ONE, you know; THE ANTAGONIST OF THE NEXT DRAGON AGE GAME!
may follow. Read on at your own discretion.
- Bi-Count Dumass
Voiced by Alex Trebek
Dumar is the Bisexual-Count of Cuntwall. He is at least 80 years old and has a retarded adult son. He has been ruler of Cuntwall for many years, however he has shown himself as incompetent and indecisive leading many to push for his resignation.
- Saemus Dumass
Voiced by Justin Bieber
Saemus is the mentally-retarded adult son of Bisexual Count Dumass. He has extreme S-J-W leanings to the point of being rebellious, and instead of being a sane, intellectual he chooses to embrace Islam and communism and announces plans to convert to Isis and transform Cuntwall into a new caliphate replete with Sharia-law.
- Ariskok
Voiced by Don Rickles
The Ariskok is the homosexual leader of the communist muslim rhinoceroses that are loitering stranded in Cuntwall. He has an affinity for young boys, and wrote an auspiciously long, sexually-charged and psychosexual rant diary involving such topics as; hating women, why men are better than women, why penises are great, why vaginas are scary, the teletubbies, Justin Bieber, and an organically-grown butt plug. He later oversees a plan to conquer Cuntwall and convert everyone to Islam, while sodomizing and killing those who refuse. He challenges Ethan Hawke to a duel only to have his ass eaten by Hawke's dog and contract AIDS and die.
- Grand Cleric Elthina
Voiced by Roseanne Barr
Elthina is the leader of the Cuntwall Morman Church, she enjoys being indecisive, inactive, relying on miracles, and tithing in order to "pimp out" her temple and acquire more bling and throw "lit parties". All throughout the game she is found lecturing others while being completely hypocritical over the church's history, droning on about her gross geriatric sexcapades and does nothing about the invading islamic/commies, Alt-Right circle-jerking and the insufferable leftists. Eventually she, along with the entire LDS church is blown up by a psychotic/schizophrenic cross-dresser.
- Knight-Sponsor Hillary Clinton
Voiced by Joan Rivers
Knight-Sponsor Hillary is the Alcoholic leader of the Templar Leftists of Cuntwall, she like other leftists is prone to being offended by anything and everything and has the belief that opposing views should be "locked up" and "forgotten about" (i.e. "censored" and "banned"). She has a tense and bitter rivalry with Jerry Sandusky, the leader of the Drug-Addled Alt-Right Circle-Jerk. After repeatedly being denied leadership over Cuntwall, she finally announces martial law and declares herself the defacto leader after the bi-count's death. Later it is revealed that she has been snorting blighted cocaine and became seriously addicted, to the point of insanity. She is prone to calling any who disagree with her "sexist/misogynist", "transphobic", etc.
- Edward Cullen
Voiced by Richard Simmons
Knight-Captain Cullen is a sparkly special vampire in the guise of a human male. He spends his time hunting prostates and gays, while brooding and moaning in the Gallows of Cuntwall. He is surprisingly the most level-headed and reasonable of all of the Leftist Alcoholics, and more or less pardons Ethan Hawke and his band of misfits at the end of the game.
- Worst Enchanter Jerry Sandusky
Voiced by Morgan Freeman
Worst Enchanter Sandusky is the leader of the Cuntwall Alt-Right Circle-Jerk, mostly he spends his time bitching and moaning on Twitter about the level-headed and justifiably correct attitude of Knight-Sponsor Hillary. He also enjoys spamming the local forums with Pepe the frog memes and accusing anyone who disagrees with him of being a "snowflake". Secretly he supplies fellow alt-righters with red-cocaine and necrophilia magazines, both of which are his fetish.
- Keeper Marethari
Voiced by Danny Devito
Marethari is the leader of the local band of gypsy/elf devil-worshippers. They came to Cuntwall after leaving being deported from Ferelden in Dragon Age: Origins. She helps Hawke to enter the fade and communicate with several dead celebrities in order to convince a young epileptic mage from getting a sex-change surgery. Her position is "keeper", as she is referred to as the "keeper of the coke"; having amassed a large horde of cocaine to keep for herself.
- Cumlen Amell
Voiced by Christopher Walken
Cumlen is the perpetually drunk, drug-addled, prostitute-hounding molestery uncle of Hawke and his siblings. He lost The family estate to a drug lord from Tevinter in a game of gay chicken, forcing him to live in a shack (former outhouse) in the Cuntwall slums.
He has at least one daughter (that he can remember) named 'Charade', which is accurate considering his relationships with women is often described as such. He is also the father of Stephen Amell, who voices his daughter Charade.
- Leandra Hawke
Voiced by Bea Arthur
Leandra "Alejandro" Hawke is the mother of Ethan Hawke and his siblings Carver & Bethany. She is the sister of Cumlen Amell and grew up with him in a fancy mansion in Cuntwall. When she was eighteen she ran off to Ferelden with a prostate mage, and lived on the "down-lo" as a man named 'Alejandro' and even had a baby with Lady Gaga. Eventually she is deported to Cuntwall once her transvestite son's status as an illegal alien is discovered and a wall is built. She also may have been kidnapped, beheaded and turned into a zombie-monster/prostitute by a retarded alt-right mage.
- Lesbiana
Voiced by Melissa McCarthy
Lesbiana (of Dragon Age Origins) returns to the game while investigating a barrage of anti-mormon behavior. She investigates the Cuntwall LDS temple and decides that the city is doomed and that it should be burned to the ground. Also finding zero lesbians inhabiting the city, she leaves disappointed.
- Cassandra
Voiced by Ed Asner
Cassandra is a secret emissary of the LDS Church and is investigating several mysteries surrounding the City of Cuntwall; the arrival of blighted cocaine, the implosion of the Communist-Islamic Rhinos, the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks, the 2016 Presidential Election and Jimmy Hoffa. She interrogates Varric at integral points of the story and garners more information about the degeneracy of the City of Cuntwall, demanding answers while performing sex acts with a whip and gimp-mask.
- Phlegm
Voiced by Rupaul
Phlegm is a mysterious hooker/drag queen/sorceress/bitch of the wilds. Like her transgender/shape-shifting daughter from Dragon Age: Origins, she too can shape-shift into anything besides heterosexuals. She also suffers from severe Homophobia and refuses to allow a gay man to ride on her back to another city (which is odd considering her profession). Early in the story she helps Ethan Hawke and his family flee to Cuntwall by judging a lipsync battle between he and another homosexual family, to which the losing family was burned at the stake.
Gameplay
Unlike its predecessor, Dragon Age II focuses less on visuals and more on walls and walls of text and paragraphs of descriptions. The only real porn to be found in the game is in the text itself, word porn galore.
Most of the time the player must read and re-read large, overly descriptive walls of text in order to learn about certain parts of the game & plot. The player must then type in extremely-specific commands in order to progress the story (i.e. "touch cop" or "kick homeless").
Critics of the game have blasted the overly elaborate text-driven nature of the game, stating they "had a hard time imagining the characters naked" during the sex scenes.
Development
Dragon Age II was in development longer than its predecessor, a fact that alludes many people. Development for Dragon Age II began back in 1714 When Sir Isaac Newton decided he wanted to build a way for others to be bored and angry AND be able to wear girls' clothes at the same time. Though being that it was in the 1700's, and video game consoles were not introduced until the early 1800's he gave up and went to Taco Bell instead.
Later in 1850, Mark Twain picked up Newton's original template and spiced it up by writing a new script sprinkled with era-appropriate racial epithets, rants against women and gnomes, and a 3,565 page manifesto on why homosexual relationships are superior to dolphins (he was later assassinated by Kennedy).
In 1922 Thomas Edison reviewed the script while working on designs for his new (at the time) Xbox 120 and liked the idea so much that he decided to make sure that the game was made. He shipped off the revised script and framework to Mao Zedong in China, where the game spent several decades in development hell as many Chinese developers (at the time) could not speak English and did not know what an "Xbox" was, also they were too involved with the remake of Final Fantasy VII at the time.
In 1972, finally having been fed up with the slow development, Chairman Mao sent the game with a convoy of 1000 Eskimos to Kim Il-sung in North Korea, where the game was quickly produced in a matter of days, only to be erroneously sent to Japan by mistake. Richard Nixon, then U.S. President at the time demanded that the Emperor relinquish the game to the American public, however the Emperor being the head developer of Squaresoft (now SquareEnix) knew that the game could be improved upon and make them hundreds thousands millions lots of yen.
Finally in 2011, after World War III and several French Revolutions later the game was fully released in 2D for the Japanese Super-Visualbox, costing an estimated 200,000,000 yen or 20,000 McNuggets to produce.
DLC
After decades of waiting, Dragon Age II; a game literally no one wanted was released simultaneously everywhere March 8, 2011 for Commodore 64 and Sega Saturn consoles. EA, the money-hungry gluttonous Shin-Ra like organization demanded that the soulless husk of a development company, Bioware create and release 5,000 more DLC in order to keep the already decaying and putrid carcass of Dragon Age on life support for as much as possible. And because it wouldn't be a shitty anti-consumer thing to do without hiding ALL OF THE IMPORTANT STORY CONTENT BEHIND A PAYWALL, which is exactly what Shin-Ra/Bioware did. The context of the 5,000 remark was never clarified however, many former Bioware employees suggested that the "5,000 more" comment could simply mean 5,000 more hours of game play or perhaps 5,000 more chapters of content, later an EA executive actually did confirm that the "5,000 more" content was referring to "5,000 more sims" as the president believed that they were working on a new "the Sims" game at the time, and when it was clarified that they were indeed not working on a new "the Sims" game he lost interest and the 5,000 more prerequisite was quickly forgotten.
Reception & Advertising
Upon release the game was met with lukewarm reviews with many resorting to suicide, homosexuality, and devil worship in response. The game itself launched the United States and Japan into a series of mass suicides, hysteria, futanari and lesbianism. Shirley Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church is quoted as saying; "This game accurately describes the vile and indecent nature of the Japanese, which is why we need to burn more books. Also God hates fags."
In late 1980, in anticipation for its release Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron produced a 900 minute documentary about the banana and why the release of Dragon Age II was signaling the apocalypse. Dark One Cthulhu has been quoted to in response, "these claims are egregious and hurtful and I have zero designs on the mortal plane until Game of Thrones is over."
In early 2011 Madonna co-produced a music video with the Insane Clown Posse and Elton John to herald the release of the game. The video depicted Hawke hooking around the streets of Kirkwall with Ethan Hawke portraying himself, Anne Ramsey portraying Aveline, The Big Show as Varric, Ben Stiller as Sebastian, Jennifer Lopez as Isabela, Cher portraying Flemeth, Stephen Amell as himself, with Matthew Perry portraying Anders and Kelsey Grammer as the Arishok.
Mike Hunt of the Blind Gaming Circle declared that the game was a "masterpiece (of shit)" of 2011, while Anita Mann of Feminist Video Blog described the game as being a "step in the right direction for social decay and new-age degeneracy (basically meaning leftists and single men really like it)."