Rabbit
“"It's Wabbit Hunting Season!"”
A rabbit has two front legs, one back leg, and laser eyes that can hit people up to 6 metres away. One of their distinguishing features is their large ears. Being frequently interpreted as the epitome of cuteness, rabbits have a misleading reputation and are almost as likely to attack and kill everything that moves. Male, as well as some female rabbits can expel Urine, with keyhole accuracy, at distances exceeding four feet. Varying in size from 3 to 6 meters, these vicious predators are one of the most feared creatures. Brought forth from the seventh circle of Hell, they are surprisingly well-versed in the waltz and swing dance. Their fur is actually made up of fine shards of children's teeth (and you wondered why the Tooth Fairy paid so well). They are not good pets for children because of their over-sized brains which come out of their large ears as a gooey liquid substance which eats everything in its path.
Upon reaching old age, a rabbit will sneak into humans' homes and lie still and quiet, pretending to be a stuffed animal.
Attempts at invasion and political violence[edit]
While incidences of rabbit-on-human violence are rare across the world, the United States Central Intelligence Agency tracks rabbit extremist groups. The Southern Poverty Law Center classifies the American Rabbit Breeders Association as a "probable hate group". Overall likelihood of being attacked by a rabbit is low, rabbit spokespeople are quick to point out, though there have been high-profile incidents, including the April 20, 1979 guerilla assault [1] on U.S. President Jimmy Carter's presidential fishing expedition. The planned nature of this attack, coupled with the fact that it occurred conspicuously on "4-20 day", has created much backlash against the rabbit community by the general public. Scholars of the rabit holy text 'Watership Down' are largely in agreement that rabbits are inherently peaceful, though it remains a topic of fierce debate among skeptics to this day.
In other parts of the world, the rabbit (as powerful as it might be) has had many predators they grouped together and planned to go to Australia to be safe. The rabbits had a wonderful couple of years terrorizing the Australians and stealing all their food, then the Australians finally fought back and built a fence. This ruined all their plans and the rabbits went back into hiding. In the predicted invasion it is thought that the rabbits will be equipped with elite fence cutters.
Habitat[edit]
They are mostly seen in brothels but this is not their natural habitation, scientists have confirmed through rigorous landscape analysis that rabbits in fact live in the branches of trees. While in the trees they will often piss on passers-by. They are seen in brothels only because of the continuing destruction of forests by humans. So it's YOUR fault the poor rabbits have to live in dark, smokey crack houses all their lives.
Fortunately, there are several artificial rabbit sanctuaries located in Kentucky, Korea, Pandora, and Azeroth.
There are also a much larger breed of Rabbits that are expected to come to earth in 2022. These huge bunnies come from a planet that was once like a huge carrot, unfortunately much of the carrot has been eaten and most of the planets surface is now coated in a thick layer of ice cream (that's why they're going to invade earth).
Life Cycle[edit]
Metamorphosis[edit]
Once the rabbit has depleted all of its foodstuffs, it makes its way to the exit of the hive, relying on feeling of wind on its whiskers to guide it, as it has not yet seen light of day. Once it has become acclimated to the world of vision, it spreads its wings for the first time and glides to the nearest living tree. It lives among the treetops for the summer and fall, traveling from tree to tree feasting on leaves, nuts, fruit, and anything else edible, building muscle and learning skills that will keep them alive over their immense lifespan. Once the leaves start to turn, the rabbits take their last flight, gliding down into a nearby river.
Here the unique composition of the rabbits wings comes to play. Eight to ten feet above the water, the rabbit wraps its wings around itself, streamlining its form and giving it the momentum to plunge to the bottom of the river and stick in the mud. The wings then begin to decompose from the inside out, forming a hard shell in which the pupa rabbit lives out the winter months and makes the transformation to the larval stage. This shell absorbs minerals from the river mud allowing it to take on the color of the riverbed and camouflage the rabbit. For all outward appearances, the shells look like river rock lying at the bottom of the stream. In addition, this shell is semi permeable and allows carbon dioxide to pass out and oxygen to enter. Under the water, the rabbit's metabolism slows and it enters a form of suspension in which bodily resources are conserved.
The rabbit spends from mid-November to about mid-February in this shell, transforming into the larval stage. This time varies depending on the climate. In a warmer climate, the rabbit is in the shell for a shorter period of time, and the metamorphosis occurs much more quickly. While in a colder climate, the reaction is slower and the rabbit is in suspension for a longer period. Thus, a warm climate pupa arrives at the larval stage smaller and fatter while the cold weather pupa creates a large lean larva. Because of this, the cold weather larvae tend to fare much better and more live to reach adulthood.
The rabbit then comes to a new stage in their development Known as the Nymph Stage. This stage in their development is short lived but necessary for without this stage the life of the rabbit, the rabbit would surly drown at the bottom of the river. Once the transformation is complete, the rabbit shakes until loose of the mud, and the shell bobs to the surface. The rabbit then breaks open the shell with its claws and swims to shore. The larvae are similar to what most people think of when they think of rabbit. At one point the stereotypical rabbit was the most populous species of Lepus, however, due to Lepus carnivorous and other predators, all species of rabbit except for Lepus carnivorous are nearing extinction.
Larva Stage[edit]
The Nymph rabbit crawls out of the river, and if it it makes it past the swarms of flying catfish, it hops up onto a rock and dries; After drying it has entered the larva developmental stage. Now it is about a foot in length and is fluffy, cute, and all such things as it should be. The larvae eat most anything they can reach, plants, fruits, and especially other larvae bunnies, which taste delicious. The bunnies stay in this stage for many years, sometimes never making it to adulthood. Many kinds of predators, especially Flying Purple Hippos, like to catch them and eat them, or as the hippo does, pull their heads off when mad. It is possible to capture a bunny at this stage and keep it as a pet. However, if not properly tamed and cared for the bunny can become a danger to those around it, so until it is trained, it should be kept away from babies, small children, and other small pets. When kept as pets they stunt out and never change size. The larvae come in a variety of colors, white, brown, black, and are often a combination of these. In addition, there are blue larvae, but they are rarely seen. There is a theory in Lepus circles that the blue variety is so rare due to their unique flavor. It is said that these bunnies taste as vibrant blue as their coats are. This has made them a favorite among many predators and greatly contributes to their scarcity.
Reproduction[edit]
This is also the stage where bunnies reproduce. They mate seventy thousand times a day, all at the end of summer. The mother lays her eggs (think Cadbury Bunny here folks), and the parents take turns protecting them and constructing the nest inside the tree. Once the nest is built, the parents climb up the inside of the tree using grips they gnawed, cradling the eggs between their bodies and the wall. They then pack the eggs into the hive and leave. The hive can be repaired and reused year after year as the bunnies and their offspring return to mate. Much of this process is the same in the grasslands; the bunny’s other natural habitat. One of the main differences is due to the lack of trees in the grasslands, the hives are built in burrows, and the larva parents stay near the hive to protect the pupa from predators, such as the lobster.
Sadly many of these bunnies never take flight, instead using their hard wings like armor to protect them from predators. In addition, the grassland bunnies tend to be larger and faster than their woodlands compatriots are, as food is more scarce and harder to catch, leading to a small population of strong bunnies. These are more likely to become adults because of their increased size and strength, but they are much less numerous than the woodland bunnies.
Adult Form[edit]
The least is known about the adult stage of development. Much of what is reported here is based on the conjecture of the leading scientists in this field. The metamorphosis into adult bunny is a long process. The chance to begin the metamorphosis arises the summer after the bunny first reproduces. If the spring was especially bountiful, the bunny will begin to grow, feasting over the summer and growing at least a foot. In the fall they will start to grow long front claws and dig a burrow. They will fill this burrow with food and gorge themselves over the winter, building up reserves for the long trek ahead of them. The adult bunnies live in the open desert, and the bunnies instinctually know where the nearest desert that is large enough to support them is. Over the course of the trek to the desert, which can sometimes take up to 2 years (the bunny winters in the warmer southern parts of the country), the bunny can double or even triple in size.
Once in the desert they use their claws to disarm and disassemble cacti and eat the juicy flesh on the inside. Using substances in the cactus, they begin to change in physical makeup, they become longer and their skulls become much more pointed, giving them long faces and larger jaws.
Eventually they begin to secret an oily substance that allows them to slide across and through the sand. They then begin to tunnel. They travel under the sand using powerful muscles to slither through it and propel themselves along. At night when it’s cool, they come to the surface at bodies of water to drink, or to eat of the cacti. In addition, they take advantage of their enormous jaws to rise up out of the sand and swallow prey whole. If that region of the desert already contains a bunny, then they will battle for the region, often kicking up sandstorms.
No one knows how long they can live out in the desert as no researcher has survived in the desert long enough to fully document the life span of a bunny. It is estimated that they can live for hundreds of years if they find enough food. Adult bunnies usually grow to be around 40 feet tall, (as tall as a human) but the largest bunny ever reported was estimated to be 60 feet tall. This staggering bunny was witnessed by the brave Russian zoologist, Valentin Danilov. Sadly, it is believed that the aforementioned bunny killed both the valiant researcher and his assistant as only his notebook was found in the wreckage of their camp. It is rumored that even the sandworms in the book Dune by Frank Herbert were based on a bunny sighting. Some bunnies have flamethrowers hidden under their ears. Many People believe bunnies were responsible for the Chernoybl disaster. Another theory suggests that they crashed a meteorite into the Earth and called it World War 2, blaming it on Adolf Hitler and the Nazis, who were actually really nice guys to straight, blonde racist people.
History[edit]
Before 1528, rabbits were the world's dominant species. durring the Cretaceous Period the T-rex was mercilessly hunted and eradicated by the Rabbit. Also take note that carrots were at that time grown underwater by the rabbits so nobody could steal them. Many queried that fish would eat the carrots, but it has since been proved that fish are indeed allergic to carrots. Carrots also send out electric impulses that deter any approaching creature. Rabbits would harvest their carrots by fishing for them with anti-electric rods.
Humans hated rabbits as they wanted to be the dominant species. They had tried many times, but the super smart rabbits had defeated them every time. Then, in 1526, Oscar Wilde devised a cunning plan to defeat the rabbits. He sneakily stole all the carrot seeds from the rabbits and planted them in the ground. The following harvest the rabbits went to collect their carrots, but couldn't find them. They started to spend all their time staring out at the sea and lakes looking for their sacred carrots rather than studying and educating their young. In addition to this, the rabbits became confused as they tried to think of where else the carrots could be, and gradually became dumber and dumber. Then, in 1528, rabbits became stupid again.
In the Napoleonic wars, during a moment of rage, Admiral Nelson stuck two fingers up at Napoleon. The mad French sailor was looking through a telescope at the time and mistook Nelson's hairy fingers for a giant rabbit. This lead to the superstition where French seafarers are not allowed to mention rabbits.
Hares are still super smart, but they prefer not to show it as they are very shy and are currently plotting world domination of Luxembourg and making Total War Center go off line.
Pre-1528 rabbits manage to still today steal carrots by simply traveling through time in time machines made from giant genetically altered carrots and a fishing hook. They then cast out their lines, steal your carrots and fly off again.
Recently, it was discovered that Rabbits have also built various object we think today as common, such as the Eiffel Tower, the Pyramids, and the Moon.
Diet[edit]
Rabbits have large, canine teeth which are used for hunting. A rabbit hunts by tricking its prey into thinking it's a cute, fluffy, and tasty meal. It will attack when the victims bends down to pet or trap it. then it slaughters it by means of spiking up its fur until it stands on end.
Victims have been found with spleens removed, so it is assumed that rabbits eats the spleen. Rabbits have also been known to swallow toothpaste tubes whole, and digest them completely.
Diet includes kimchi, gaegogi, small children, wolves, moths, and various forms of perfume (indeed, the whole point of this industry may be as a dietary supplement for these brutal beasts). The myth that bunnies love carrots is in actuality a fallacy as they are in fact allergic to the orange fruit.
Not much else is known about the rabbit's diet, but it is commonly thought that it may actually eat souls.
Habitat[edit]
Rabbits live in what is known as a hutch, or rabbit hole, a large tunnel in the ground. At the bottom of the tunnel, a large box of baby milk bottles can be found. This might explain the Great Baby Bottle Kidnapping of 1987.
Rabbits live in temperate climates, with long winters and cool summers. Except for Hugh Hefner's rabbits, which have been known to live in magazine racks right around the world.
Use[edit]
Up until 1986, the scream of a rabbit was considered an aphrodisiac in Nicaragua. People would get into the mood by enticing a rabbit to scream. The only problem was that the painful scream of the rabbit did not work, only the frightened scream. So instead of torturing the rabbit (which was the custom in Prussia) they would force the rabbit to watch a scary movie, such as "Nightmare on Elm Street", the "Friday the 13th" series (excluding "Jason takes Manhattan" which was meant to be a comedy) or "Forrest Gump". These movies frightened the rabbits so quickly that they would scream at almost all of the frightening scenes, enhancing the mood so that the relations could commence.
Possible Defenses[edit]
If you are lucky enough to have some form of mythic weaponry available to you on an encounter with a bunny, it is highly recommended you use it without hesitation, as the bunny has lightning fast reflexes and usually goes right for your throat. Holy weapons in particular are believed to have good effect; holy machine guns, bazookas and hand grenades may theoretically be able to stop one of these terrors before many lives are lost.
With the full-scale industrialized production process of the Holy Hand Grenade by the Pope in the basements of the Vatican itself came an end to the reign of terror of the killer rabbit.
Holy hand grenades seem to be the only thing that can stop this devilish mammal except for maybe Keanu Reeves or Adam West.
A recent theory suggests that Bunnies may be dreadfully allergic to carrots, and as such, wearing a heavy grade suit of plate carrot armor may provide the extra few seconds of pre-mauling that might just let you get way. If you're lucky. Which you probably won't be. But feel free to try anyway, we- uh, I mean- the bunnies love a challenge!
Another theory is that the rabbit is really a species of llama that came to earth to eat people because of the food shortage on their planet of FaRmLAAnd. This theory states that the only way to rid oneself of the rabbit is to sing and hopefully distract it long enough to throw nearby objects at it. Please respond if this theory has worked, as so far no one has responded, we're guessing that it actually is a very bad theory.
The Fat Shit Rabbit[edit]
As you can see on the left, the fat shit rabbit is any rabbit that weighs over 15 pounds, regardless of its height. Some can even reach up to 30 pounds, which is even more than some dogs. In other words, the fat shit rabbit can and will eat said dogs. So, if you have a pet rabbit, and it weighs over 15 pounds like this one, take it to the doctor and get its heart checked. If it heart is fine walk its fat ass... FAT FAT ASS. The diet of the fat shit rabbit is generally double that of the normal rabbit, but is slow, so it uses the element of surprise, then muscles its prey to the ground, so it can slowly swallow its prey. They also have poisonous glands behind their tonsils, which are lethal to humans on impact with the blood stream. They should be handled with care. Also, if you own one as a pet, make sure that is pen is made of reinforced steel, with reinforced steel beams to support it. There have been cases of fat shit rabbits escaping from cages in the suburbs of New York City, Los Angeles, Miami, and many other populous cities. If you live in New Jersey, New York (not upstate), or Connecticut, do you remember that huge blackout? A massive pack of fat shit bunnies did that so that they could catch their prey in the dark that night. They are intelligent species of rabbits, so if you ever see them, alert the SWAT teams. In the times of Middle-Earth, the elves, hobbits, humans, and orcs all learned to coincide with these rabbits. As a matter of fact, they rode them in battle. This fact is left out in the movie to add excitement and prestige... I mean, who the $#@% wants to ride a rabbit? Then, the orcs angered the fat shit race by mutilating them in their bases. They had decided from then on their objective was... SLAY ALL NON-BUNNY PEOPLE.
This species bunny has been known to spontaneously explode at the drop of a hat, with a force similar to an atomic bomb. Therefore, it is dangerous to feed or even touch a such a creature, as they are extremely sensitive. Feeding and washing your fat rabbit should be left to a professional handler. It is important to keep your fat rabbit indoors at all times, because even a light breeze can be enough to set off the animal in a nuclear explosion. This is why most fat rabbits are used when most military bombs are manufactured.
Disclaimer[edit]
The author(s) of this article are not responsible for any personal losses resulting from the bunnies' response to your reading this article, and especially not the losses that would result if you were to actually go out and MEET a bunny!
The deceased photographers ask you not to try reproducing the pictures above. As it was, we had to scrape their remains of off the rather mangled cameras, and many of the best shots had teeth marks in them.
As the Bunnies continue to learn and evolve on our planet, they've developed a new weapon against Mankind - Were-Bunnyism. Bunnies born from 1928 and later have a new sort of retrovirus present in Bunny saliva that, when delivered to an open wound (through biting) infects the victim within 2-4 picoseconds. The result is a horrible Man-Bunny hybrid that will roam the world, spreading his wretched disease to all he encounters.
The best known way to destroy a WereBunny is by shooting it through the heart with an Ice Javelin. This renders the WereBunny unconscious, and you can then dispose of the creature by removing its head with a silver-lined blessed scythe. The WereBunny will then explode into a cloud of flaming ashes.
Currently, there are no known treatments for werebunnyism aside from the aforementioned remedy. However, scientists are working diligently on creating a vaccine by killing bunnies en masse.