Watership Down

Retarded rabbits

Watership Down is a book written by Richard Adams. It was a brave stab at creating a humorous story about rabbits. It was later made into a popular film, which Adams infamously disowned as it was, in his words, "too pornographic".

Plot

After his companion Tenner starts receiving doom-laden visions of their warren being buried by stale cakes, Poison Ivy decides to rally his friends and leave their home before it is too late. However, because they all suffer a serious genetic complaint, they do not make it far before they hilariously all start rolling around, dribbling and making guttural noises. Several more slapstick situations occur, mainly centred around Blackberry's inability to stop hitting himself, before the fun is curtailed by the appearance of a large, hungry fox.

Film

Allegedly deciding that the book was too soft and childish, film director Jerry Bruckheimer inserted several intense shoot-outs and a harrowing ending. That finale incorporated a Hitlerian fox, and revealed the rabbits to be hidden Jews, whose "burrow" was disclosed to the Herr Hassenpfeffer for a small reward by a Lithuanian farmer. The rabbits were gassed onsite; the farmer received permission to plough under the field and erect a profitable crematorium. This children's classic was thus transformed into a timeless tale of horror, depravity, and vicious venality. The BBC runs it over and over and over again at Christmas time, where it has been re-titled: "It's a Hun-derful Life."

Lagomorph Mongoloid Syndrome

Published in 2003, a veterinary report by Dr. Fuckalugge from the University of Your Mum, Uzerbahhakhedjihad described a genetic retardation in rabbits that was named 'Watership Down syndrome' the name was changed to 'Lagomorph Mongoloid Syndrome' (LMS) when Jerry Bruckheimer complained that Dr. Fuckalugge was "totally rippin' on moi skillage film, innit?" Now follows an extract from Fuckaugge's paper on LMS.

"The rabbit was clearly in some discomfort. It repeatedly made strange uuuunngeee!!! noises, wrinkling its eyes up making facial expressions similar to that of an orang-utans. It then did a backflip and calmly stated that it wished it was a punk rocker with flowers in its hair. Apparently, 'it was born too late into a world that doesn't care, oh it wished it were a punk rocker with flowers in its hair. When the head of state didn't play guitar,' it continued, 'not everybody drove a car when music really mattered and when radio as king, when accountants didn't have control and the media couldn't buy your soul and computers were sill scary and we didn't know everything.' The rabbit was then joined by another who began to eat its own fur, masturbate openly and then began to flail around, screeching 'Wicked, wicked. Jungleist massive. Wicked, Wicked, jungleist massive.' The disagreement between song genres soon descended into an all-out tiff, then an argument, then a row before the two rabbits began fighting; the second rabbit with a knuckleduster, the first rabbit with flowers in its hair. The rabbits were separated with a stick and told to behave. One did, the other one was shot and fed to a Burmese python with autism. The python wasn't sure how to say thank you and wondered why it had no friends. True story."

Characters

The main characters of Watership Down, in case you weren't paying attention, are retarded paranoid rabbits who can only count to four and think every other animal is trying to kill them. Unsurprisingly, they all die at some point.

• Fiver: The character responsible for this whole shit, he is a clever, manipulative and psychopathic bunny who convinces the other rabbits to leave their warren to go to a "better place". His actual intention is to have everyone killed while searching for such place, a plan that would have succeeded had the rabbits not found Watership Down. He has false visions that help him achieve his murderous goals, until they backfire when he is fooled by himself and falls off the down.
• Hazel: Fiver's stupid, naïve and gullible older brother who always believes what his beloved little brother says, even if he says a flock of seagulls is flying in the sky. He is the leader of the warren (since all the other rabbits are even stupider), until Fiver convinces him to kill himself after failing to kill everyone else. He later joins El-ariallah (see below) as one of his sex toys in the rabbit hell.
• Bigwig: Formerly a guard, he went from a respectable and important rabbit to a lower degraded insanely retarded member of the gang. In the TV series he looks like a lion, whereas in the original material he has a tuft of hair on his head.
• Kehaar: A pathetic whorish bird who follows the rabbits in the hope of feeding on their rotting corpses. Poor idiot didn't know the bunnies became carnivores...
• General Woundwort: The villain, he is the ruler of Efrafa, a brothel rival to Watership Down. He constantly rapes the rabbits that try to escape his prison, and ultimately fails because the rabbits from Watership Down steal his money makers. No longer capable of being a pimp, he becomes an alcoholic and fox food.
• Blackberry: The most intelligent character on this shit, but that's not saying much. He went through a sex change in the TV series because gay rabbits are sent to Inlé, and the poor ignorant rabbit who he has a relationship with (Campion) doesn't even know that his "girlfriend" was once a guy! Probably for the better, as if that was revealed to Campion, Blackberry would have to become a male again to please his fiancé.
• El-ariallah: A story tale character that absolutely doesn't exist and it's all a farce created by the rabbit church to have plenty of money. He was the first bunny created by Da Frith, a drug-addicted deity (aka God) who lacks imagination for creating such a useless race as rabbits.
• The Black Rabbit of Inlé: Hades's bunny who got stuck in WD to kill mortal rabbits.