Bashar al-Asshat

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Asshat, shortly after taking power, waves with the one-finger salute to the rebels and Syria's chances of prosperity.

Bashar al-Asshat (Arabic: بشار الأسد‎,, b. 9/11, 1965) is the soon-to-be Former King of Syria and Secretary of the Syrian Ba'ath Party. He inherited the throne in 2000 following the accidental deaths of his brother and father, which removed the burden of having to kill them himself. Since inheriting power he has improved many sectors of the Syrian economy through terrorism subsidies and a "starve the beast"[1] spending policy with regard to social welfare. He is also notable for his brutally oppressive brutal oppression of politically dissident political dissidents and his well-groomed mustache, both of which are compulsory for Ba'ath Party members.

Early life[edit]

To the chagrin of his father, King Asshat I, Bashar was conceived after a passionless one night stand. He dropped out of his mother's vagina nine months later in Damascus and his mother unhesitatingly granted full custody to his father the King, reasoning that she already had thirty-seven burdening children with forty different members of the Syrian Ba'ath Party to take care of.

Asshat was educated at Prop A. Ghanda Primary School, Megalomania Middle School, and finally, at Damascuses prestigious Jenna Side high school. He received excellent marks in his AP Despotism and Syrian Gov't 101 classes, but failed dismally in his Humanism, Ethics, and AP Physics courses. After high school Asshat worked at a Damascus Wal Mart for six years. Despite brutal work conditions, Asshat quickly rose to the position of assistant manager on the night shift. He quit out of disgust in his sixth year upon learning that Wal Mart employees in America could afford shoes and were allowed lunch breaks.

Having failed to acquaint himself with the female genitalia in high school, Asshat went on to study obstetrics at Damascus University in the late 80's. He traveled to London to continue his studies and befriended Margaret Thatcher during his stay. He returned to Syria in 1994 after the death of his older brother Basil, who fractured his skull in an intense game of badminton. Basil, not Bashar, had been next in the royal line to the throne, so this tragedy forced Bashar to uproot his life and begin preparing for royal life. His father sent him to Baghdad to study under Uncle Saddam to ensure he would be properly corrupted and Ba'athtized by the time he became King. After several years of studying he returned to Damascus with an iron fist but an unimpressive mustache.

In mid-2000, Asshat learned of an inherited allergy to latex when his father died suddenly in a femdom BDSM session. He was immediately appointed leader of the Baath-Party and the Army. According to the Syrian Constitution at the time, he was not old enough to be King. Thankfully the Syrian Parliament swiftly voted to lower the minimum age for eligibility from 40 to 34 (Asshat's age when he acquired the throne). He was crowned King on June 10th. Many were worried that Asshat would lack the political experience to make a great tyrant like his father. After all, his only public office was head of the Syrian Computer Society, whose greatest success under his leadership was the introduction of the VHS player to Syrians in 2008. Unfortunately, Asshat didn't care about these criticisms.

Asshat demonstrates his mastery of rhetoric by pointing at things and people while talking about them. "You'd better turn your phones off during this address, or I will have to make phones illegal, which I do not want to do again."


Though Asshat was never groomed for power as his brother was, he managed to abuse it with great prowess early in his rule. His first act as king was banning Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer films in Syria, which was met with great approval. His second act as king was making June 10th a national holiday. His third act as king came in the form of a tax increase for everyone who is not the King of Syria. This was met with strong political opposition, especially from other members within his party who urged him to only increase taxes for those outside of the Ba'ath Party. In response, Asshat arranged an extra tax for those believing the previous tax hike was unfair. Approval for the initial tax hike soared which caused the price of oil to rise.

Asshat has been highly critical of Israel and the United States for subjugating Muslims, a right which he believes is solely reserved for Muslims, especially the King of Syria. The US has avoided caring about Syria or Asshat's regime because of its lack of oil and abundance of terrorists. Nine out of ten Americans cannot point out Syria on a map, and three out of ten believe "Syria" to be a brand of citrus-flavored soft drink.

Numerous human rights groups have accused Bashar's regime of routinely torturing, imprisoning, and killing political opponents. Asshat has denied these accusations by pointing to the lack of political opponents for him to torture, imprison, and kill as his father had already killed most of them by the end of his rule. Additionally, the United States has sanctioned him for beating up their journalists, which has caused the price of oil to rise.

2011 protests[edit]

Syrians collectively decided on January 26th, 2011 that they were sick of Asshat and his regime making their lives miserable. They began protesting and demanding Asshat and his regime go directly to jail, do not pass go, and do not collect 2 billion dollars or live in a Saudi retirement home for ousted dictators. Asshat said he still wanted to be in charge, and that if they didn't want him in charge, he would hold another legitimate, non-rigged election which would surely result in a 90+ percent majority in favor of him. When this failed to satisfy the incredulous crowds, Asshat ordered his military to begin the genocide they had always secretly longed for, which caused the price of oil to rise.


In 2014 Assad came up with the cunning plan to re-direct the terror bearded barmies at ISIS to invade Iraq. Using bribery and bottled water, ISIS took the bait and moved most of their forces out and crossed the border. Now Assad's reputation as bloody handed killer of the levant has been changed by the American government to 'bloody-handed-killer-of-the-Levant-who-happens-to-be-on-our-side-for-now'. This again has postponed Assad's expected fate either as a mob killing (Muammar Gaddafi) or a rigged trial and a hanging (Saddam Hussein).

Syrian Starbucks campaign[edit]

Putin's cousin shows al-Asshat how to mix a latté "al dente."

Bashar has tried numerous gimmicks to gain popularity under the guidance of Vladimir "the Bear Rider" Putin. One week Putin showed him how to serve his fellow citizens enough Starbucks coffee to keep them awake while building weapons.

See also[edit]


  1. That would refer to the Syrian people.