Ape-Shit Crazy

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In my time, a few people have asked me about ape-shit craziness. Even though those people were later rushed to hospital, all missing several pounds of flesh, there are a few things one needs to know...

“It's crazy.”

~ Captain Obvious on ape-shit crazy

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There is an alternate version of this article at Ape-Shit Crazy/Old.

People used to call me ape-shit crazy when I got really lathered up over some minor slight or disagreement, which inevitably and quite quickly caused me to pull out my big ol' Smith and Wesson and fire indiscriminately into the crowd of lazy bystanders who just happened to be unlucky enough to be out shopping that day. "Serves 'em right for coming to the mall before noon, dammit!", I would shout as I rained my hail of golden slugs into a gaggle of Sex and the City-esque women. "Fuck yall motha fuckin haters daaaawg!" is what I'd say to the children I'd mow down without the best part of a minute's remorse.

My mate Boris nicknamed me ape-shit crazy when I was a poor little tyke, but then I got bigger and it wasn't so funny anymore! One day I went into his room and smashed up all his stupid sex gear, which seriously pissed him off, but I didn't care! "Ha ha ha! Fuck him! I'm ape-shit crazy!" Of course, when the bobbies came over to see what the bloody hell was going on, only to find me gnawing at Boris's mangled genitals, they were pretty fucking determined to lock me away in one of those prisons they have on Discovery Channel. But I said "No, guys, I'm not bat-fuck insane, I'm just ape-shit crazy!" and they just sent me to one of those normal prisons! That taught them not to mess with anyone whose blood-alcohol level is probably something like 70 percent or higher, heh heh!

Gorilla toy.jpg

Ape-shit crazy might even refer to someone who has a fetish for gorilla feces but let's face it, there aren't many of those people around. So screw 'em! Though, come to think of it, you might not want to screw them since they probably smell disgusting. The term may also imply a social phrase used in prostitution by a man (or woman) who would theoretically be requesting a particular service which would consist of being shat on in the face by a woman that looks vaguely like an ape.

Twenty five bucks and you got it.

Ape-shit craziness in popular culture. That saved some time.

Sometimes when I affiliate things on the Internet with each other, I get so angry and upset that I just want to smash the computer but I know it's not the computer's fault so I smash something else (usually my own head against the fireplace) but that just causes pain so then I write things like this and post them to various interactive websites but I usually just get a lot of abuse for doing that and let's face it the satisfaction is rather short-lived so the best thing to do is get in the car and head for the freeway where I can drive at a hundred and ten miles an hour and flip people off just for the hell of it and if the cops come after me so what? You can all just bite me!

Historically, those considered to be ape-shit crazy have long been assumed to suffer one or more debilitating mental disorders, such as paranoia, schizophrenia, and low self-esteem. However, recently-published research in this area suggests that most ape-shit crazy individuals today are predominantly attention whores, whose mode of "whoring" differs from the norm by virtue of the fact that ape-shit crazy individuals are mostly males under the age of 25, have large amounts of money, have no appreciable moral or ethical standards, and drink heavily. Considerably more research is required, but in the United States, recent Federal budget allowances for ape-shit crazy research have dropped by as much as 90 percent in the last five years as part of budget cuts — making it much more difficult for people like scientists and Scientologists to get the big bucks they need to do whatever they want, no matter how badly in need of jail time they may be.

Individuals deemed "Ape-Shit Crazy" by the rest of society are occasionally put in special institutions for their own protection. These institutions, known as "Wal-Marts," are usually quite large and filled with cheap, foreign merchandise (especially around the 4th of July). The ape-shit crazy individuals are instructed to stand near devices known as "cash registers" and take money from visitors, also known as "customers." Some of them are also strategically placed near the entrances of these facilities in order to more accurately gauge the intent of each visitor with respect to violent tendencies, lustful sexual desires, or extremely copious appetites for chocolate ice cream.

Many ape-shit crazy individuals have been known to overcome their condition and achieve surprising degrees of personal success in "normal" society.

"Jo-jo went ape-shit crazy over the ripe watermelon."

Ape-shit craziness was included with Windows 98.

See also...

“Man, the food in here is shit! Can I have a coke?”

~ Someone in an asylum on ape-shit crazy