Low self-esteem

Why are you even bothering to read this page? It's not like it's going to make things better. In fact, knowing you, it will probably just make things worse. [Much, much worse.] Everyone else knows you're a failure; why can't you accept it?

The Problem Isn't Everyone Else. It's You.

You know, I really don't understand why you have to be so lame. But, since you are a complete and utter moron, looks like I'm going to have to spell it out for you. In general terms--and for God's sake, try not to get all weepy on me--here are your problems:

1. You're extremely ugly.
2. You've never been out on a date.
3. I apologize, I take that back. You've never even spoken to a member of the opposite sex.
4. Your parents hate you. Or hated, if they had to do something radical like kill themselves to be rid of you.
5. Remember in third grade, when you got a B on that science project? The one where you had to build a volcano or something equally lame? That was the highlight of your academic career right there.
6. You lack self-confidence.

So, What can YOU, Mr. Incompetent, Do About It?

Probably nothing. Let's face it; you are, without a doubt, the most hopeless case on the planet. But, because I pity your wretched form, here are a few specifics. Of course, I'm only kidding myself that someone of your dubious intelligence would be able to understand them, but you never know.

Actually, wait: I do know. You're a moron. Here are my suggestions, for no earthly reason other than you COULD, at some point in the future, suddenly shoot up a few IQ points. (Also, I could win the lottery.) Although honestly, at this point? I think maybe even doubling your IQ wouldn't make much of a difference.

Try not to move your lips when you read these:

1. You're extremely ugly.
   • True. I'd elaborate, but there's no sense in beating a dead horse, I've always said.
2. You've never been out on a date.
   • I'm not going to waste my precious time with this one either. See below.
3. I apologize, I take that back. You've never even spoken to a member of the opposite sex.
   • How do I know this? Let's review:
   1. I'm not a moron (i.e. "You").
   2. Because I've seen you. And that's really all the proof I need.
4. Your parents hate you. Or hated, if they had to do something radical like kill themselves to be rid of you.
   • Have you ever watched television, Sparky? (Yes, I'm talking about the "moving picture box.") Ever seen those commercials where happy families gather 'round the dinner table, the parents happily gazing upon their smiling children's faces? Ever wondered why that never happened to you? Take a look in the mirror.
5. Remember in third grade, when you got a B on that science project? The one where you had to build a volcano or something equally lame? That was the highlight of your academic career right there.
   • The truth is, your teacher was hung-over at the time and just felt really, really sorry for you.
6. You lack self-confidence.
   • It's not my fault you're a spineless coward.

Honestly, I Don't Even Know Why I'm Still Trying To Help You

Now that I think about it, I'm floored you even stumbled onto this page. What, did you bang a rock against the keyboard? Maybe you had a lucky trip over your own humongous feet and accidentally landed on the mouse. God, I'm embarrassed for you.

If you still can't believe what an idiot you are, here are the facts. In the following study, 100 people were polled. After being given a complete rundown of your life, they were asked to sum up their feelings for you in one phrase. As you can see,

Statistics don't lie, but you do.

• 74% of those polled exclaimed Oh God, my eyes! or some variation.
• 21% compared you to Newt Gingrich. (Which may just be the highest praise you ever get. Don't get used to it.)
• 4% were Strongly opposed to you--your entire life, everything you stand for and everything that you hold dear.
• And 1% thought you smelled bad. (Note: The respondent who chose this answer was blind, but assured us that, had he been gifted with sight, he was sure you would have been one ugly sunnavabitch.)

In addition, several people offered additional commentary on you:

• That's why I cry at night. -Gladys, 27, mailman.
• I once had a dog that looked like that. Finally, one day I just took the damn thing out back and shot it. Now both of us are out of our misery. -Frank, 31, serf
• That's a shame. A real shame. -George, 55, paperboy

Everything is Your Fault

I suppose that some people believe in lying to incompetent buffoons such as yourself. Not me. The truth is, you are responsible for every Bad Thing. Just give up already.

See also

• Self esteem
• Narcissism