Wonderbra
“They call it a Wonderbra because when I take it off, Freddie wonders where my boobs went.”
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This article is a flimsy excuse to get pictures of tits on Uncyclopedia. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
Wonderbra, a subsidiary completely owned and operated by Wonder Bread ("We build sound bodies 12 different ways") is designed to lift the spirits of men and to separate the girls from the women. Available in three styles, the Specialty Wonderbra, the Lightly Lined Lift (Triple-L) Wonderbra, and the In-Your-Face Push-up, Wonderbra, this wondrous product will make a woman out of even someone as mammary challenged as Twiggy, Selma Blair, Alyson Hannigan, or Sarah Michelle Gellar. Even men (transvestites and transsexuals) benefit from wearing them, as do so-called supermodels with boyish figures and chests to match. It's truly a miracle in lingerie, making mountains out of molehills, as it were, and providing support even when no foundation garment is actually needed. A husband who meets a woman in a Wonderbra while he is in the company of his wife is apt to be chastised by his bitter half as follows:
- "TIT was wonderful to meet you?"!
Specialty Wonderbras[edit]
From a distance (i. e., up to 10 feet for those with 20/20 vision), the flesh-colored, strapless Specialty Wonderbra creates the appearance that the woman (or man) who is wearing it is topless (i. e., nude from the waist up, not headless). The company claims that this "naked effect" is "unintentional," to which everyone but infants in strollers (or cribs or high chairs or playpens) sneers, "Yeah, right!" For women (and men) who are not as brazen, the company also makes strapless Specialty Wonderbras in black, white, and two-tone. To keep observers' eyes on target, the bras are not festooned with ribbons or decorated with lace. "For the Wonderbra woman," company spokeswoman Boo Bee declares, "her tits are all the 'decoration' she needs."
Lightly Lined Lift Wonderbras[edit]
The company is as adept in lying as it is in visual deception, claiming that the purpose of its LLL Wonderbra’s three-inch-thick “light lining” is merely to create a “smooth appearance” rather than to accentuate the positive (or, in the case of such women as Blair and Hannigan, especially) to convert a negative into a something-up-there look. None of the LLL bras is strapless, because the women (or men) who wear them need all the help they can get, including the little extra lift that straps provide. To further disguise a lack of decent boobage, the LLL Wonderbras do use silk, ribbon, and lace for extra flounce and bounce.
In-Your-Face Push-Up Wonderbras[edit]
For the girl who wants to get ahead, the In-Your-Face Push-Up Wonderbra really gives its wearer a head start, creating “extra” cleavage and thrusting the breasts out in an “aggressive” and “demanding” fashion, according to Bee. “This bra doesn’t just enhance cleavage,” the spokeswoman maintains, “it creates it!” For the small-breasted woman (or man) who doesn’t dare to bare it all and wants to make a promise, as it were, that she (or he) can’t deliver, the Push-Up Wonderbra helps her (or him) make a good impression on guys (or gals) who like their women {or men) with a “little something extra,” Bee says. Sarah Michelle Gellar (known in the industry as “Barely There Gellar”) wears an In-Your-Face Push-Up Wonderbra with good effect in the movie Crude Intentions, seducing not only Blair but also her own brother!
Wonderbra "Magic"[edit]
Women (or men) to whom nature, fate, chance, God, or whatever had been unkind, leaving them without breasts or with boobs the size of beestings, used to have to resort to wearing T-shirts bearing such messages over the chest area as “Under Development,” “Stop Looking At My Breasts!” or “I Wish These Were Breasts!” Now, instead of making themselves laughingstocks to get the attention they so desperately crave (“and deserve,” Bee maintains), they can simply don a Wonderbra and, as if by magic, “they will have big, bold, beautiful bosoms, at least until they take off the bras, which, Bee advises, should be done only in the dark, with a breastform in place.
Ever the droll and ironic wit, Wikipedia observes, with tongue planted firmly between the cheeks:
- In the United States, the debut of the Wonderbra garnered a large amount of attention [1].
Duh!
Testimonials[edit]
Women claim that their lives have been changed by wearing Wonderbras, and the company publishes these testimonials as advertisements to show the satisfaction that its customers enjoy as a result of purchasing and wearing its product. Here is a sample of typical testimonials.
“This is the most wonderful bra I’ve ever worn. I loved it so much I’ve replaced my whole bra collection with more of the same. Tit smoothes and shapes me, all at once, making me look as if I have tits and giving me, like, INCREDIBLE cleavage! Before I wore Wonderbra, I was a nobody, a nothing--but, now! Just look at me. I can’t stop touching myself! ”
“I divide my life--or human history, actually--into BWB, for “Before Wonderbra,” and “AWB,” for “After Wonderbra,” because the first time I wore a Wonderbra is when life started for me. Before then, there was nothing, just this gaping abyss of depression and despair, but, now, AWB, I am a changed woman, I have tits! I have a personality! I have a life! I have tits!”
“Before I wore Wonderbra, I was all into myself; now, with the self-esteem, self-confidence, and positive self-image that I’ve gained from having really big-looking boobs, I am totally into other people, and I have a whole gallery of awards and plaques and certificates to show just how altruistic and magnanimous I’ve become, and I owe tit all to my good sense in selecting a high-quality product that was good enough for me. Next stop, the White House! ”
“I went from a B cup to being a tempest in a D cup, thanks to Wonderbra!”
Even the movers and shakers in the entertainment business swear by the magic of Wonderbra:
“Wonderbra takes our client--who now is nothing at all--and it makes her a star, potentially. Suddenly, the Sarah Michelle Gellar space is meaningful.”
Community Service[edit]
Bee says that Wonderbra spends "a sizeable amount" of its revenues in promoting sports for girls to show them that "life is as much about the inner girl as it is the outer girl."
Yeah, right!
Gender Challenge[edit]
To avert another all-out gender war, the male community has been largely silent and may seem to be at a hard loss as to the best response a male can give to the wonderbra phenomena. For women to have greatly advanced their traits and assets without men providing a competitive answer is a long controversy that even men disagree among themselves. Functional men will argue that they already possess naturally woven wonder muscles to stick their points out. Older men argued that Viagra requires no uncomfortable gimmicks.
Interestingly men in Papua New Guinea has long lay to rest this question by adorning penis sheaths but Greenpeace has patented them to avoid been exploited for mass production. Entrepreneurs then settled down to design their own penis enlargers that are now well distributed in sex sites.