UnScripts:Trapped at Sea
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After the success of movies like Open Water and Floaters, that other one that everyone presumes is actually the same movie, the British film industry decided they wanted a slice of the same low-budget-low-losses pie and came up with the imaginatively titled “Trapped at Sea”. As suspected it was a flop but not one that broke any records. Critics received it surprisingly well describing it as “drivel” and “one of those unintentionally hilarious movies you make your friends watch”.
Scene 1: Ext. Deck of an Expensive Yacht - day.
- Man: (to Man #2) Did you hear about that genetically enhanced shark that escaped and ate Ellen MacArthur...?
A group of twenty or so twentysomethings are having a party. All around them there is nothing but ocean. It’s a bit foggy.
MARLINE is a ditzy blonde. Her expensive looking dress is on backwards and she is wearing armbands. As she makes her way over to MARTIN her glass of champagne gets sloshed over everyone because she’s having just such a safe time yah!
- Marline: I’m having just such a safe time yah! It was so wonderful of Daddy to lend us his yacht for the day, yah!
- Martin: (Looking past her) Yeah…
- Marline: Oh my God Martin you should so totally dance with me, yah! It’d be so safe!
- Martin: (Looking past her) Yeah… No! I can’t, sorry. Athlete’s Foot. Too sore.
- Marline: (Horrified) I’ve heard that can be pretty nasty!
- Martin: Oh absolutely. I could die.
- Marline: (Still horrified) We can’t have that at all! (She crouches down to stroke his foot) You better get all better very soon, yah! Can’t keep this lovely hunk of man away from me for too long.
- Martin: It’s the other foot.
- Marline: (petting Martin’s other foot) Well you better get all better very soon, yah! Can’t keep this lovely hunk of man away from me for too long (she looks at him in a slutty fashion).
Marline dances off to go get more champagne. JASON sits beside Martin and leans in to talk quietly.
- Jason: You don’t have Athlete’s foot at all, do you?
- Martin: (trying to keep a straight face) Should I?
They laugh at Marline’s expense.
- (Fade to)
Scene 2: Ext. Deck of an Expensive Yacht - day.
All of the twentysomethings are playing Twister except for Martin who is spinning the spinner thing.
- Martin: Left hand red. Go on, Mark, it’s probably not gonna bite.
MARK’s hand navigates its way to wards the nearest red which happens to be where Marline’s vagina is.
- Marline: Oh I wish you were playing, yah, Martin it'd be so safe.
- Martin: Really.
There is some laughter at Marlines expense and then out of the mist comes a great big wooden galleon. Martin stands up and points.
- Martin: Guys look at that!
The conglomeration of twister fans simultaneously turn their heads and gasp. They all fall about themselves while they try and get up. A voice comes from the ship.
- Captain Ginger Beard With One Eye: Arr! I be commandeering this ship, the noo, maties!
Suddenly pirates start jumping from their ship and landing on or around the expensive yacht. Everyone except Martin has lost their head and starts running around screaming. The pirates begin to slay everyone in creative and unnecessarily violent ways, occasionally Martin winces. A man with a ginger beard climbs down a rope ladder and steps out in front of Martin. The man draws his sword and points it at Martin who stands up. Marline runs between the two of them and throws herself over board, screaming.
- Captain Ginger Beard With One Eye: Arr!
- Martin: Hello.
- Captain Ginger Beard With One Eye: Arr! I be Captain Ginger Beard With One Eye
- Martin: You have two eyes.
- Captain Ginger Beard With One Eye: Aye. Yee be walking the plank now lad.
- Martin: (looking at where Marline just jumped off) But I have Athlete’s Foot. I can’t get it damp!
- Captain Ginger Beard With One Eye: I dinnae care lad, off ‘e plank with yee now.
- Martin: (tuts) Fine…
- (Cut to)
Scene 3: Ext. Ocean - day.
Martin and Marline are treading water as they watch the pirate galleon tow the expensive yacht away to treasure island.
- Marline: Oh my god, yah! What’re we going to do!
- Martin: Drown I should think.
- Marline: But they killed everyone one, yah!
- Martin: They didn’t kill me.
- Marline: (looking at Martin like he might be the second coming) But you came to rescue me, yah!
- Martin: (sighs) They didn’t kill me. (Begins to cry) Why didn’t they kill me?
- (Fade to)
Scene 4: Ext. Ocean - day.
Marline is holding her phone above her head.
- Marline: Oh my god, yah! I can’t get a signal!
- Martin: That doesn’t surprise me.
- Marline: And the screen isn’t working, yah!
- Martin: Again, that doesn’t surprise me.
- (Fade to)
Scene 5: Ext. Ocean - day.
Martin and Marline are treading water.
- Marline: (Screaming) Oh my god, yah! I saw a shark – I saw a shark!
- Martin: (calmly) It’s the English channel. You did not see a shark.
- Marline: (Still screaming) But I saw a shark!
- Martin: (Still calm) No. No, you didn’t.
- (Fade to)
Scene 6: Ext. Ocean - day.
Martin and Marline are treading water.
- Martin: And if it couldn't get any worse. I just pissed myself.
- Marline: Eugh but Martin! What're we gonna drink now!?
- (Fade to)
Scene 7: Ext. Ocean - day.
Martin and Marline are treading water.
- Martin: I didn’t say you could come, did I?
- Marline: (Begins to cry) Oh please don’t leave me Martin!
- Martin: Don’t worry, I can’t… The guilt would just eat me up.
- Marline: (smiles) Oh you’re so lovely, yah…
- Martin: No. I’m not.
- (Fade to)
Scene 8: Ext. Ocean - day.
Martin and Marline are treading water.
- Marline: Oh Martin! Martin! It's getting dark!
- Martin: So it would seem.
- (Fade to)
Scene 9: Ext. Ocean - night.
Martin and Marline are treading water.
- Marline: (Screaming) Oh my god, yah! I saw a shark – I saw a shark!
- Martin: (calmly) It’s the English channel. You didn’t see a shark.
- (Fade to)
Scene 10: Ext. Ocean - night.
Martin and Marline are treading water.
- Marline: Martin! I can't sleep, yah!
- Martin: Neither can I, Marline. Neither can I.
- (Fade to)
Scene 11: Ext. Ocean - day.
Martin and Marline are treading water.
- Marline: We’re going to drown aren’t we, yah!?
- Martin: It seems likely, yes.
- Marline: I’m really glad you came to stay with m-
- Martin: (interupting) I didn’t – they pushed-
- Marline: (interrupting) I love you, yah!
- Martin: I fancied your brother!
- Marline: (disgusted) Eugh! Eugh! Get away from me, yah, bumboy.
Marline swims away.
- Martin: Shit. Was that all I had to say…?
- (Fade to)
Scene 12: Ext. Ocean - day.
Martin is treading water.
Suddenly there is a rumbling noise and the water around him begins to ripple. About sixteen naval vessels and five helicopters appear out of the grey mist as it clears. Martin has been saved. Wearily he climbs aboard the “HMS Happy Ending” and then gets a ride home on the helicopter “Cliché”.
- (Fade out)
(Alternate Ending)Scene 12: Ext. Ocean - day.
Martin is treading water.
Suddenly Martin jerks and screams in pain. He is dragged underwater and then a plume of blood flowers on the surface of the water. A row of blood stained shark's teeth break the water. On the shark’s forehead the words “Sad ending” are tattooed. Then A whole horde of harpoons get embedded in the shark.
Marline and a naval officer are standing aboard “The Mediocre”
- Marline: Oh Yah! I’m so glad you destroyed that evil genetically enhanced shark, yah! You’re my hero!
She clutches the naval officer who looks down at her.
- Naval Officer: Do you have a brother?
- (Fade out)
Splashing noise.
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