UnNews:Trump insults another land, only 3 left to go

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Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, December 21, 2024, 12:54:59 (UTC)
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10 May 2018

The dark clouds of war now gather over Scotland rather than the run-of-the-mill batches of dark clouds.

EDINBURGH, Scotland – US President Donald Trump has banned the iconic Scottish soft drink Irn-Bru from his Trump Tunnyberry Hotel just weeks before his vacation there. He has also tweeted that he is considering a stiff tariff on all exports to the US and has threatened building a wall around Scotland specifically to contain "the Irn-Bru menace to carpets in the free world that is real big". While Scots apparently don't mind a wall per se, the idea of receiving a bill for it has outraged most of the population.

Hotel manager "Scottie Mac" Llewellyn explained "Bru stains the carpets likes nobody's business. The boss spent 150 pound buying it second-hand from that Saddam Hussein fellow. Money dinnae grow on trees."

Washington politicos who wish to remain anonymous and alive note that Trump hates anything orange. Reminded that the president's hair can be a brilliant orange in places and at times, the pundits replied as one that they were never allowed to identify his hair color as orange but instead were instructed by White House staff to describe it as "the glow of a yuge star, a supernovel".

Reaction has been swift and extensive, igniting Scottish nationalism as never before. Pink Floyd's Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving With a Pict is now being played hourly on Scottish radio. B.B. King's Caldonia often follows, as the kid sent to Sainsbury's bought the wrong thing. Barricades of Irn-Bru cans have been set up in the streets but the people manning the barricades tend to drink them up, leaving the empty cans to be blown about by the wind. Farmers are attaching quadcopters to pigs so that they can "dump on Trump" as he walks round one of his two golf courses. Several Glaswegians were asked for comments but experts were not able to finish their translations before publication of this article.

Protesters have threatened to shut down all McDonald's restaurants north of Hadrian's Wall. This would leave the president with absolutely nothing to eat in Scotland and would potentially cancel the visit. France's President Emmanuel Macron has offered to deliver Big Macs from Paris, but it is well known that Trump hates cold take-away. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Theresa May has been practising cowering behind the furniture in anticipation of Trump's visit.

Internationally, Iran has recently ordered 500,000 cases for their nuclear weapons development program, back on the rails thanks to Trump. North Korea and Venezuela have followed with large orders also. However, until an exchange rate for kimchee has been worked out with the former and empty air magically turns into real money for the latter, no shipments can been made. Russia has not commented, though its licensed Irn-Bru bottled locally has Cyrillic scribbling on it so nobody in the West knows what it is.

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