UnNews:Taliban vows to wipe out literacy in our lifetimes

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25 April 2009

Put that down! Stop reading that!

KABUL, Afghanistan -- Officials of the Taliban Press Corps released a statement today which outlined several goals in their new 15 year plan. First on the list is literacy, a bane to the very existence of the Taliban:

"We find ourselves attacked on all sides from the infidels. They read books and the internet, learn new ideas, achieve self determination in their lives, and next thing you know, you can't control them anymore. Allah gives us children to kill infidels; obviously a child who can think at all is of no use to Him, blessed be His Name."

Many children starting at age 5 are routinely kidnapped, bought, traded, or coerced into attending training schools for potential suicide bombers. A well-known illiterate Imam who runs a madras in Ballsona' Mybak southwest of Kabul spoke with Unnews senior Spiritual Reengineering correspondent Zimbat Scalamichci about trying times for Taliban recruitment:

Steve Irwin trained the first British special forces deployed to Afghanistan in the wily ways of the Taliban.

"We're just not getting the volunteers like back when the Soviets invaded. Advertising was stepped up and bonuses offered, in the hope of making Taliban enlistment more appealing. In the end, stealing children is the easiest and cheapest way to swell our ranks with soldiers for Allah, blessed be His Name."

"The initial phase of this war on literacy is almost complete. Most womens' schools have been destroyed, and and most women know better than to try learning to read at home. Next, there will be a systematic hunt for all books other than the Koran and Sharia Law texts. These will make excellent fuel to keep the drafty, decrepit Taliban hovels warm."

"Soon all will commit Koran and Hadith to memory on pain of death, so we can do away with any need for reading," said Mahmud Saba Kashani, a villager and professional spelunker from Nimroz. "For everything else, the Taliban announces what is permitted and not permitted on radio, so life has an element of certainty. I like that. So you Americans can go home now."

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