UnNews:President Bush Outraged at E. Coli, Promises Revenge
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| President Bush Outraged at E. Coli, Promises Revenge | 
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18 September 2006
WASHINGTON DC, US -- President Bush has a new target, in an old war. Today at a press conference, Bush vowed to capture or kill E. Coli, and all of his terrorist allies. The transcript is as follows:
George Bush: "My fellow Americans, yesterday the world has changed again, and we must again change our thinking. We've been attacked, not by planes, but by a wholesome vegetable, grown right here on American soil. We must now be ever vigilant when buying spinach. Our enemies want us to eat spinach, and spinach is now the Islamic fascist weapon of choice against everything good and American.
"Up until now, our government, meaning myself and my fellow Republicans, have been able to prevent a second terrorist attack since 9/11. We just had no idea they'd be creative enough to use spinach as an instrument for their message of terror. For that, I'm truly sorry.
"Our intelligence network already has the name of the head terrorist. His name is E. Coli, and we're working hard, working very hard to figure out his first name. We've already killed his second-in-command, Popeye. While many children may be upset about Popeye's death, we know that with Popeye dead, the world will be a little bit safer.
"Speaking of safe, the world is already safer. Since I took office, other countries have used the opportunity to build up their nuclear arsenal. They'll now be able to defend themselves better than they could have in a pre-9/11 world. When more countries have nuclear weapons, the world will be even safer, thanks to me and my fellow Republicans.
"We're taking other measures to prevent terrorist attacks. My friend at the CIA is almost certain that E. Coli has used anthrax to poison the spinach. I'll be working real hard to link the two together in my third term. My second term must still be spent linking Iraq to 9/11. I might be able to work on it on my next vacation. Next week, I'll be able to relax a little at my Texas ranch, and I'll think real hard on the matter. I'm sure that after I'm done thinking -- just like my last vacation I stopped thinking when it was over -- I'll have proof that E. Coli was able to illegally acquire anthrax, most likely from a Democrat in the Senate or House of Representatives."
CNN Reporter: "Mr. President, are you saying that an elected official in Washington might have provided anthrax to a terrorist organization?"
George Bush: "That's what I said, isn't it? Gee, you must be hard of hearing. My friend at the National Security Agency, and my other friend from the FBI have been able to magically conjure up proof that Democrats are aiding and giving comfort to the enemy. From that proof, we're certain that every Democrat in this country eats steak, and Republicans have a balanced diet, including spinach and other vegetables. As for how we obtained the proof, filling out all the the paperwork takes a lot of time, so we don't really have any good records. Except for John Denver, heheh. That was a joke. I like his music, but I think he cared a little too much about trees, and not enough about keeping America safe."
FOX Reporter: "Mr. President, do you and Republicans already have a strategy planned to capture or kill E. Coli, or any of his followers?"
George Bush: "Oh yeah. And the strategy is working so well, we already had E. Coli in our sights, and he was almost captured. I regret that E. Coli escaped into a group of clowns at a circus. But I promise every American who's loyal to me, we will get justice and revenge. My personal savior and friend, Jesus Christ, assured me just a few days ago that the best way to assure evildoing is done away with is to kill evildoers. Jesus told me that revenge was the best way to keep America safe and to make sure evil from the world is eliminated."
New News![edit]
E. Coli's first name is Esherichia! Now the secret service is trying to discover if his mother was on crack when she named him. We'll keep you posted.
Sources[edit]
- Andy Alt "President Bush Outraged at E. Coli, Promises Revenge". Mental Dimensions blog, September 18, 2006