UnNews:Oh, so THAT's what this leading candidate must have been thinking!

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Wednesday, September 27, 2023, 04:50:59 (UTC)

Oh, so THAT's what this leading candidate must have been thinking! UnNews Logo Potato.png

26 August 2023

This could be the candidate.

WIKIA CITY, California -- UnNews Senior Editors have discovered what a leading candidate in the 2024 U.S. Presidential election must have been thinking, according to most opinion leaders who want him dead.

The discovery follows a shocking change to the UnNews Style Guide. According to UnNews Editor-in-Chief Morris Greeley, all articles must henceforth have headlines styled as riddles, so that the reader cannot tell what the article is about without clicking on it.

The move aligns UnNews with leading U.S. conservative blog sites, such as BetterRedThanDeadState and TownHall's up-to-the-minute DipSheep. Greeley said it may be just the thing to goose UnNews's traffic, and hence its rating on websites such as Google Analmetrics.

To further parrot the right-wing blogs, UnNews articles are encouraged to "illustrate" themselves with tweets, mostly posted by the same person who wrote the UnNews story. As well as "breaking up the text," this gives the vital impression that more than one person believes this crap, or that the author is capable of actual scholarly research.

The candidate in question might be Florida Governor Ron DeSantis who, when Disney went beyond welcoming children to Disney World with men wearing beards and skirts, to lobbying against him, put the theme park under the control of two separate county planning boards (while remaining the champion of small government).

It could be newcomer Vivek Rubadubby, the only candidate in the recent Milwaukee debate with the freshness and courage to say that weather is a hoax, everyone else on stage is corrupt, and Donald Trump was (or is) the best President ever, a point Rubadubby can only make by running against him.

It could be even more unknown Doug Sorghum, Governor of a Midwestern state UnNews Editors have never heard of, who says, "I know beet farming. The country needs a President who knows beet farming. And comes from a town of 300 people and no Negroes."

It could be Nikki Haley, Governor of the Donbass region of Ukraine, who says, "If you want actions and not just words, look for tits. I've got 'em." Or Chris Christie, the former Governor of Dunkin' Donbass, whose own man-tits actually dwarf Haley's.

It could be the Orange Man himself, though he was not at the debate at all, but sat down with former Fox News sole attraction Tucker Carlson for 90 minutes of softball questions on pressing national topics such as the mysterious death of Jeffrey Epstein. The two broke no policy ground, but did feed Carlson's never-Trump ex-employer a quarter-pounder bleep sandwich in the ratings department.

It could even be ostensible U.S. President Joe Biden, who unfortunately called one of his "lids" of press unavailability just before the wildfires on Maui, set to last days, or until Sheldon Adelson runs out of banana-blueberry smoothies at his Tahoe mansion. The champions of the Women's NBA, who came to the White House expecting to be honored by Biden, cut their griping, earlier this year, that Dr. Mrs. Biden suggested also inviting the lily-white runner-up team, and instead stewed at being met by a couple of fellow black women instead of the Big Guy.

As for which candidate was thinking what, and who said so, editor Greeley says the answer is deftly hidden elsewhere on the UnNews Front Page, and invites the Dear Reader to click everything (twice) until stumbling onto the answers.


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.