2024 United States presidential election

The 2024 U.S. Presidential election comprises the United States campaign leading up to the national vote on November 5, 2024. This will be the 60th quadrennial Presidential election, according to Wikipedia, which counts such things. The central issue is whether Joe Biden will remain the U.S. President, or whether Donald Trump will emerge from the ashes (and handcuffs) and do another Grover Cleveland thing to emerge as both the 45th and 47th President.

Primary campaign

The two major parties in the United States are the Democratic Party and the Republican Party. The Democrats are presumed to renominate Biden (because only Republicans eat their own). This assumes that Biden can get across the finish line without either forgetting how to swallow or char-broiling the entire nation in a nuclear war.

Democrats

The nomination of Biden is not a sure thing. That is why his party needed to dump on Iowa and New Hampshire, which are both too white to want him be truly representative of the nation. As they did so well in the Coronavirus outbreak, the Democrats ignored a plethora of state laws and decreed that shuck-and-jive South Carolina would have the first primary election. (We are not telling you what you can do, only that if you do it, your delegates will have their mouths duck-taped shut at the Nominating Convention.)

Republicans

The Republicans are virtually certain to nominate ex-President Donald Trump. However, as the out-of-power party, they will defer this foregone outcome while engaging in a nominating process good for a lot of their cherished Gala Banquets and fundraising appeals. Voters can consider the appeals of successful governors of states they have never heard of, a businessman barely able to qualify for the post, several candidates whose only appeal is how glibly they can trash Trump, and even a woman and a Negro. (With apologies to James Watt, the field this time includes neither a Jew nor a "cripple.") To out-niche the Democrats, two Republican candidates had vague ties to India.

Independents

The election may be influenced by the presence of independent candidates. One of the U.S.'s favorite parlor games is debating whether any third-party or independent candidates will suck votes away from the Democrats, suck them away from the Republicans, or simply suck. There are two notable independent candidates for 2024:

• Robert Kennedy, Jr. is a highly touted independent candidate despite having a voice that elicits reactions faster than a cat clawing a chalkboard. However, he has a famous name, so he is in the race no matter whether he is capable of any of the family's signature womanizing. He is a staunch leftie who can charm Republicans by espousing several of their most ridiculous conspiracy theories, notably, whether someone is making a quick, illicit buck off the Coronavirus or the war in Ukraine.
• Cordell Hull has gotten a legal name change to Cordell West and is also running for President. He will not get many votes, but is likely to get a tax audit.