UnNews:Militant atheist decides her car keys never existed

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22 October 2006

An artist's depiction of keys to an automobile, which Russo calls "a projection of all our insecurities."

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania -- Following a brief search Sunday morning, 27-year-old atheist Miranda Russo said she realized the "sheer illogic" of believing she owned keys to her 1999 Saturn.

"I planned to meet some friends on the South Side for lunch," said Russo, a social worker who lives in the Squirrel Hill neighborhood. "This was based on a naive belief that I had a 'magic' device that could get a lump of metal, rubber and plastic to take me wherever I want to go."

However, Russo said a five-minute analysis of her apartment showed the self-evident fallacy of the idea.

"You can search for something all you want, and you can believe it's there, but it's not," Russo told reporters. "Smart people eventually conclude that there's no invisible daddy who'll take care of all your problems, or miraculously move you five miles in ten minutes."

"Car keys are concepts by which we measure our pain," she added.

Russo became an atheist while an undergraduate at Duquesne University and tells friends and colleagues to put logic and reason above imagination. Russo later called friend Laura Johnson, 28, to cancel the meal plans, and lectured her about "all the crimes committed in the name of car keys."

"She reminded me how many people had died in road accidents, and how much money big corporations made off the sale of automobiles and 'so-called gas'," Johnson said. "I can see her point, but it's hard for me to give up my car. I guess it's kind of a habit."

In the last year, Russo has ceased to believe in McDonalds, the tuna in her supermarket and ex-boyfriend Charles Scott. Russo is unapologetic.

"Seeing is believing," she said. "Am I going to cede my own empirical judgment to some hierarchical old man with his head in the clouds, forcing me to trust his malignant and biased description of things I've never seen? I think you know the answer."

Across the street, militant Methodist Theodore Shabowski said he was "eagerly awaiting" Publishers' Clearinghouse to show up at his door.

"Jesus said 'Ask and ye shall receive,'" said Shabowski, a financial adviser. "I'm incredibly grateful that Jesus will make me a millionaire."


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