UnNews:Mideast talks Grind Gears
|Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?||✪||UnNews||✪||Friday, June 9, 2023, 17:25:59 (UTC)|
|Mideast talks Grind Gears|
29 July 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
The Brief version:
- Condy Rice arrives with her Uncle Ben in Israel to help flare up tensions during an instant-rice dinner
- Hezbollah chief says Israel failing to beat Gorillas in the Mist of Zaire
- Israel rejects 72-hour humanitarian cease fire because Jews are not in vain
- Hezbollah agrees to stop using current weapons and wait for more powerful weapons to arrive from Iran
- Construction of properties nobody can afford have resumed in the “Paris of the Mideast”
- George Clooney was seen in Beirut still trying to figure out the plot details of the movie Syriana
- Some other stuff is going on in the world, and who cares about Iraq anymore anyways?
The longer version:
Conversation about the heat wave in the West and Midwest USA resumed in Israel today. The Hezbolla chief, Hassan Nasrallah, was more concerned with the heat advisories in Iowa than the people in Lebanon being bombed into oblivion. Condy also brought up that the heat wave was moving East, and it was likely to hit 100 degrees Fahrenheit in D.C. early this coming week.
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert suggested that relief efforts for the displaced Lebanese people be diverted to the USA to help the people sweltering in the heat. Especially those who are too stupid, poor, cheap or stupid AND elderly to buy an air conditioner for their vermin-infested ghetto apartment.
Lebanese Prime Minister Fouad Siniora (also known as Frank Sinatra) dropped a bomb-shell when he announced a track for a magnetically levitated train will be built between Beirut and Tehran, Iran. The train will bring war supplies at 250 miles per hour from Iran so various Muslim extremist organizations can fight Israel from Lebanon or nearby locations for many years to come. Recent high approval for Hezbolla in Lebanon is making this train possible.
The train track will go from Beruit, through Syria (the land of Muslim retards), and also through Baghdad. Iran, primary financier of the rail system, is convinced that the US Marines will have no cares to destroy the track because they are too busy torturing and killing Iraqis in secret, with the approval of Donald Rumsfeld. The US Air Force will likely not notice the track being built because the fun of blowing up civilian structures would be more fun anyways, especially with night vision. Finally, military commanders are too busy playing "hide the sausage" with George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld to deal with a MagLev train track crisis.
In other news, German Chancellor Angela Merkel has left for the USA to join George Bush in Lubbock, Texas. The trip is for "personal business". Coincidently, Laura Bush is on the road throughout the USA being too nice to people. Speculation on the activities at the ranch will likely exceed speculations about the activities at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Say tuned for further updates.
- Robots at CNN "Mideast talks gear up". F-ing Suck CNN, July 29, 1806
- Big Brother "Bush's Backrub of Merkel Makes her Horney". Fox News, only read by Republicans, July 29, 1806